West Region:
1. Oregon Ducks vs. 16. Holy Cross Crusaders/Southern Jaguars
The crusades were military campaigns sanctioned and funded by the church, so a vicious cat doesn’t have much of a chance. And a duck? Delicious.
8. Saint Josephs Hawks vs. 9. Cincinnati Bearcats
A hawk against a bearcat would be an interesting fight. A bearcat is like a tiny bear, or maybe a big cat. One of those. This is hard, but given the hawk’s mobility and sharp talons it’s a good bet to go with the hawks.
4. Baylor Bears vs. 12. Yale Bulldogs
Another bulldog. It’s a strong, regal dog, sure, but there are more vicious fighting dogs, no? Where are the Southern State Doberman Pinschers or the Northwest University Rottweilers? Bears. Not close.
5. Duke Blue Devils vs. 13. UNC-Wilmington Seahawks
As much as a seahawk may have a chance against other animals, it stands zero hope of the devious cosmic beast that is a devil.
6. Texas Longhorns vs. 11. UNI Panthers
A panther would maul a cow, no matter how long its horns are.
3. Texas A&M Aggies vs. 14. Green Bay Phoenix
A farmer against a mythical bird that can be regenerated and reborn, obtaining new life by rising from the ashes of its predecessor? Yeah, Phoenix, for all eternity.
7. Oregon State Beavers vs. 10. VCU Rams
Let’s give the one to the ram, who could probably stomp the beaver if they ever got into a fight.
2. Oklahoma Sooners vs. 15. CSU Bakersfield Roadrunners
The Sooners are people who settled the area that became Oklahoma. It’s a boring name, and it’s a group of people. That’s it.
The Roadrunners is a great nickname and while the cartoon roadrunner is always outsmarting the dang coyote trying to eat him, a real roadrunner—while fast—would probably be no match in a fight with a human. Meep Meep, Sooners win.
Second Round
16. Holy Cross Crusaders vs. 8. Saint Josephs Hawks
5. Baylor Bears vs. 4. Duke Blue Devils
11. UNI Panthers vs. 14. Green Bay Phoenix
10. VCU Rams vs. 2. Oklahoma Sooners
This is coming down to two, and it’s the toughest battle in the entire bracket. Let’s clear the decks with the Crusaders over the Hawks and the Blue Devils over the Bears, then the Phoenix over the Panthers and the Rams over the Sooners because, again, there’s no guarantee a settler is going to have a weapon with him. Ah, who am I kidding, it’s Oklahoma!
Sweet 16 & Elite Eight
It doesn’t matter, because the matchup to beat all matchups is the Blue Devils against the Phoenix. How can you beat a being that reincarnates and won’t go away? But it’s a devil. And not just any devil, but a blue devil, which means by the recurring nature of our color-coded feelings, it’s sad. Sadness and pure evil combined? Unstoppable force.
It’s a battle that would go on forever, and while the Phoenix may keep coming back, it can die. Right? The logic states that something can’t reincarnate if it doesn’t, at one point, die. So the advantage has to go to the devil. I think. I may need a mythologist to verify my logic.
West Region Final Four Representative: Duke Blue Devils
The Final Four
The Final Four pits the Notre Dame Fighting Irish against the Iowa State Cyclones and the Miami Hurricanes against the Duke Blue Devils. It’s actually one hell of a Final Four, and while weather would prevail against any Earthbound mascots, the leprechaun and the Devil make it to the title game.
The Phoenix was a far tougher test for the Blue Devil, and while that battle may drain the devil some, it would have enough time to recover for the Final Four bout against the Hurricanes, making it strong enough to face down the Fighting Irish for the title.
Congratuations, Duke. You may be the most hated team in America, but your mascot would win a bracket death battle this year, and every year.
