CHICAGO, IL – JUNE 12: NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman answers questions from the media at his press conference prior to Game one of the 2013 Stanley Cup Final at United Center on June 12, 2013 in Chicago, Illinois. (Photo by Gregory Shamus/Getty Images)

On Tuesday, Toronto Mayor John Tory was mad online, despite saying he wasn’t, because the Toronto Raptors were left out of an online poll about who would win the NBA title. Nothing says “mayor of a major city” like getting angry about a sports poll on the Internet.

As embarrassing as that was, Tory is not the only leader of an allegedly major body to offer an insecure reaction with a sad letter. Gary Bettman has been the NHL’s commissioner for two decades and there have been times when he has written letters designed to show confidence when it has had the opposite effect.

We here at The Comeback have acquired five copies of angry Bettman letters to various organizations. Just like the case with Tory, this is not a flattering look.

NHL_logo

GARY BETTMAN
COMMISSIONER

December 21, 2010

Executive Director, NHLPA
20 Bay Street
Toronto, Ontario M5J 2N8

Dear Donald Fehr:

I thought I would write to you about the strange decision to become executive director of the National Hockey League Players Association.

The NHL has offered a choice between signing entry-level, restricted free agent and unrestricted free agent contracts for years. We have to assume you will try to do more to help the players earn more of the owners’ money.

I’m not the least bit offended by the idea the players don’t have it good. As a matter of fact, Bill Daly and I were laughing about the NHLPA thinking they can get a better deal compared to the current collective bargaining agreement. We’re not worried it all. It’s funny and we’re not mad.

In the NHL, the fourth-most popular sports league in the world if you ignore like a half-dozen others, we are very excited about negotiating with you and aren’t scared at all about another lockout. We are still laughing. Especially since lockouts were invented by me! You’re welcome!

Please don’t hesitate to have your people call my office to get prime camera positions for when you cave and give the owners all they want!

Yours truly,

Gary Bettman

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GARY BETTMAN
COMMISSIONER

November 11, 2012

Manager, Planet Fitness
265 Hardbody Way
Mahwah, NJ 07430

Dear Chad Brickman:

I thought I would write to you about the questionable decision to raise my monthly fees by $20 and discontinue the hot yoga course at your club.

The gym offered a choice between free weights, cardio, crossfit and other yoga courses but not the heated one. I have to assume that the “other” yoga that results in my sweating through my shorts isn’t important enough for your 28 members.

I’m not the slightest bit offended. In fact, I’m accustomed to turning up the heat in my home and doing hot yoga in my steamy basement. It makes me laugh that I can’t do it at your club anymore. I spoke with Bill Daly about how our hot yoga sessions have been canceled and fees raised and we laughed so hard. We are not mad.

In New Jersey, America’s fourth-best hot yoga state, it’s actually exciting for us to find a new club. Especially since hot yoga was invented by me! You’re welcome!

Please don’t hesitate to have your people call my office to get tips on how certain tight-fitting, light-weight fabrics make the hot yoga experience even better. You can get prime camera positions if you want to see how downward dog is done right!

Yours truly,

Gary Bettman

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GARY BETTMAN
COMMISSIONER

February 26, 2008

Commissioner, KHL
20 Tretiak Drive
Moscow, Russia

Dear Alexander Medvedev:

I thought I would write to you about the questionable decision to start a hockey league that competes against the NHL.

The league offers a choice between the United States, Canada and Russia. We have to assume Russia is a serious place where you would truly consider having professional hockey players exist and compete.

I’m not the slightest bit worried about losing NHL players to your league. I’m writing to tell you that I’m not even thinking about the KHL. It’s just funny. Bill Daly and I were just talking about the KHL and we were laughing. You probably think we are nervous about losing our best Russian players but that would never happen. It’s funny that you think it would.

In America, the greatest country in the world, we are very excited about having the likes Alexander Radulov and Ilya Kovalchuk playing in the NHL. I bet they were laughing too when they heard about the KHL.

If you ever want to attempt to sign NHL players, don’t hesitate to contact me. Hopefully, I won’t be laughing or actively not nervous about how this will affect the NHL.

Yours truly,

Gary Bettman

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GARY BETTMAN
COMMISSIONER

May 13, 2016

Director of Programming, CBS
51 W. 52nd Street
New York, NY 10019

Dear Glenn Geller:

I thought I would write to you about the hilarious decision to cancel the television program Supergirl that doesn’t make me mad.

CBS offered a choice between The Big Bang Theory, NCIS and something called Mom that may not even be a real show. We have to assume the “other” show starring the delightful and talented Melissa Benoist doesn’t deserve your respect despite having 2.8 million viewers.

I’m not the least bit offended by you canceling the show. I’m laughing that you’d think I’d care. Bill Daly and I were just watching CBS and weren’t crying at all about this show being canceled. We’re laughing. We’re not even mad that you’d allow the show to move to a new network. You’re the one that’s mad.

On the NHL Network, the fourth-most popular sports network out of the four major sports in America, we are very excited that we are no longer fighting Supergirl for ratings. I’m not mad at all about the end of Supergirl. Why would I care how Kara Danvers comes to grips with her powers and the responsibilities that come with them? It’s pretty funny.

Please don’t hesitate to have your people call my office to get tips on how many seasons need to pass before you can start canceling things.

Yours truly,

Gary Bettman

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GARY BETTMAN
COMMISSIONER

April 27, 2016

All Thirty Owners, NHL
How do you address this?
Whatever

Dear Owners:

I thought I would write to you about the funny situation involving zero Canadian franchises appearing in this year’s playoffs.

The NHL offered 16 playoff spots to its 30 teams and it seems no “other” teams besides American ones grabbed a spot. I have to assume nobody running a Canadian team wanted to be part of a $2.8 billion league next year and would rather see less revenue this year.

I’m not the least bit offended by this. It’s so funny. In the NHL, we have two teams in Florida and three in California and I was underestimated for years because of my decision to add teams there. In just a few days, the Sharks could be playing the Lightning and it’s funny that you’d think I’m mad about that. I told Bill Daly about this and we laughed because we weren’t mad. Poor ratings don’t bother me. This is funny.

In the NHL, the second-most popular 30-team sport that offers 16 playoff spots, we are very excited about a lack of Original Six teams reaching the second round. I’m not mad that we haven’t heard the one good national anthem between our two countries. It’s funny that I will have to lay off people because of the drop in revenue earned by teams in non-traditional markets. I’m laughing at this right now.

Please don’t hesitate to have your people call my office to get tips on how the new commissioner can redecorate the office after I’m replaced in a few years.

Yours truly,

Gary Bettman