The second round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs and the second episode of this season’s Game of Thrones? Is that a coincidence? Yes! But who is the prettiest defenseman? Is a quesadilla a sandwich? And is hockey better if [enter team here] is in the playoffs? MAILBAG!
1. Hockey Game of Thrones
@davelozo which house would Jagr belong to?
— @lemairewatch.bsky.social (@lemairewatch) April 24, 2016
This isn’t really a mailbag question, but it’s an opening to talk about Game of Thrones and I’m taking it. It’s either this or talking about the Capitals and Penguins whining to the point where it’s ruining the best series of the playoffs so far.
So which characters best resemble characters from the NHL? Glad you, and by you, I mean no one, asked.
Arya Stark is Colin Campbell
Whether it’s a sunset or John Scott as an All-Star, both are incapable of seeing something great right in front of their faces, both have a lot of anger for people they feel have wronged their families and both have wielded a sword of justice with varying degrees of success.
Ramsay Bolton is Zac Rinaldo
One person is a reckless, dangerous, violent loose cannon, capable of perpetrating awful crimes on his fellow humans that make you wish he would stop appearing on your television, and the other is Ramsay Bolton.
Davos Seaworth is Jaromir Jagr
Both were hired mercenaries for a time and have seen their skills diminish, yet can still get the job done with their experience and guile. Later in their careers, they want to be part of an elusive crown and have shown a willingness to go anywhere to get it.
Jon Snow is the San Jose Sharks
A year ago, they were left for dead and forgotten about. They would never rule and it was time to look to someone else to lead. But thanks to some bearded men and help from a red-haired god — Paul Martin is the Melisandre of that locker room — both are back on top again.
Brienne of Tarth is Steve Downie
Both were hired to prevent people from taking liberties with those that are weaker than them, yet the people they are hired to protect continuously fall victim to predatory attacks under their watch.
Podrick Payne is Tom Wilson
Big dicks, both of them.
Joffrey Baratheon is Gary Bettman
Sometimes, the joke doesn’t need to be explained.
Tyrion Lannister is Mats Zuccarello
Seriously, you’re already at the punch line so why bother writing it?
Dorne is the Las Vegas expansion team
Whenever one or the other comes up, you can’t help by wonder why the story expanded to this desert land when you could barely keep track of everything that was happening in the world you’ve come to know. Maybe it gets better after a while, but things are going to be bad and boring there for a while.
Theon Greyjoy is the Department of Player Safety
Both mean well, but are largely ineffectual. For a brief time, they operated with ruthless efficiency in dispensing justice, but both lost their balls a few years ago.
Daenerys Targaryen is the Montreal Canadiens
All she talks about is the long and storied history of her heritage, yet she hasn’t ruled over the Seven Kingdoms in a very long time. The connection is so strong that it’s possible her stupid dragons are the ones who light the torches for Habs’ pregame ceremonies.
2. Norris God
@davelozo Pronman said he may or may not have voted for the Norris based on looks. What's your attractiveness Norris ballot?
— Laurel M. (@ThisIsLaurelM) May 2, 2016
1. Kris Letang, 2. Kris Letang, 3. Erik Karlsson, 4. Kris Letang, 5. Aaron Ekblad
3. Sandwich Pick
@davelozo is a quesadilla just a grilled cheese?
— BenKj (@BenKj) May 2, 2016
This is correct. A quesadilla is a grilled cheese, which is a melt, which is a sandwich, just like a hot dog.
4. Good For The Game
https://twitter.com/BrendanPorto/status/727154380718379008
This is one of the most annoying things a person can say about a sports league. If you’re a sports league, it’s better for you if the teams in the gigantic markets are always good, because it means more revenue for your sports league. No Canadian teams are bad for the NHL in that same way.
But, as a fan, my goodness, why does it matter?
I’m a New York Giants fan. Love the Giants. I think it would be better if the Giants were good because I like the Giants. But is it good for the game? Has anyone felt a pang of sadness during the past three postseasons because the Giants weren’t there? For me, yeah, but no one among the other 31 fan bases gave a crap. And the NFL is making jillions of dollars because it is run with ruthless efficiency.
This year’s postseason with zero Canadian teams has been among the best in recent years. The second round doesn’t have the Rangers, Blackhawks or Kings and it’s been phenomenal. Sure, Sharks-Predators isn’t a ratings draw, but those two games have been phenomenal. If the teams are all very good and the games are all very good, why do I, the fan or media person, care that Toronto isn’t there?
There’s something broken in the system if your thought process is, “I’m only watching if Los Angeles is playing,” instead of, “I’m watching because two good, fun teams are playing.”
Playoff games in any sport are almost always good because they almost always involve the good teams, no matter their city of origin. I’ll never get why the average person gets hung up on nonsense like “big markets” or “Original Six,” but I’m still trying to figure out how Roose Bolton didn’t see his bastard son murdering him coming, so I guess we’ll end this here.
5. Friends Forever
@davelozo what's the best and worst season of friends
— Jenni (@JenniCook94) May 2, 2016
Best: Season 5
Highlights: Monica and Chandler hiding their romance, Joey figuring it out and helping to hide it, the Chandler/Phoebe flirt-off, Ross’ sandwich freak-out and subsequent unemployment, Ross’ attempts at hitting on the pizza delivery woman, the one where they throw the ball around for hours and it all ends with Joey going to Vegas.
Worst: Season 8
Lowlights: The Brad Pitt Thanksgiving episode should be burned so it can never be aired again, everything and anything involving Rachel being pregnant, Joey falling in love with Rachel, Rachel telling Joey her boss wants to buy her baby, Joey gets interviewed by Soap Opera Digest again and man this season was the worst.
And that’s with Season 8 having what I consider the show’s best episode — the one where Ross and Rachel argue over who came on to who(m) and there’s the story about backpacking through Europe. It’s also literally the last good episode in the show’s run.
6. Last One
@davelozo if hockey Twitter was an episode of Survivor, who would you vote off the island?
— Sam Blazer (@Sam_Blazer) May 2, 2016
Everyone but Tony X.
— Tony X (@soIoucity) May 1, 2016
