Cam Newton dressed in 27 jackets

The Week That Was In Mostly Terrible Sports Fashion

Sports and fashion are two worlds that currently embrace one another with the unwavering passion of Muggsy Bogues and Manute Bol. They go hand in hand. It works for the player, it works for the brands, and it even works for the fans.

What true naturals like Clyde Frazier once thought was simply “lookin’ smooth” has turned into a giant publicity spectacle, which often leads to various endorsements from brands looking to move that all-important needle. And that’s when things inevitably snowball into an attention-forced abysss, like Danny Kanell impersonating a tragically unconvincing version of a Bond villain or Carmelo Anthony channeling some kind of old-timey war hero in a Tom Cruise movie that earned 17 percent on Rotten Tomatoes.

Carmelo Anthony war hero

But then there’s all of those reliable fans, who — while always clamoring for the camera — never bow to the whims of snooty, highbrow fashionistas. What they do bring is a unique, expressive element of their own choosing, and one that usually coincides with just how bad or good their team is performing.

And that — coupled with athletes, media personalities, and even spirited mascots — is what this very space is here to embrace.

Once again, this week is NFL heavy for very obvious reasons: It was Pey-Pey vs. Tommy XXXIX! Also, expect more Clyde Frazier than usual. He’s in the midst of an amazing stretch run.

*****

Bob Costas

Obviously, not a recent photo. But some spirited soul at the Chicago Sun-Times unearthed this photo of Bob Costas and O.J. Simpson, and it wouldn’t be right to not include it. And good lord, has Costas aged? I’ve ripped  him to shimmery shreds, but I must give this dude props for refusing to fade.

Helpful Hint: Bring back those amazing glasses. TODAY. Brooklyn wants it. Brooklyn needs it.

*****

Russell Westbook

Finally figured it out: Russell Westbrook is constantly playing a different character from In Living Color.

Helpful Hint: A Homey The Clown ensemble might very well inspire or downright force the league to create some sort of NBA Fashio-lete Of The Year award. And even if that didn’t happen, doing so would be well worth the spectacle.

*****

Chris Berman

Free the nip!

Helpful Hint: I’m kidding. Please try and keep your nip to yourself next time, Berman.

*****

Cam Newton’s Shoes

These shoes are absolutely Ric Flair approved. In fact, these might even humble Flair’s entire walk-in closet of $500 shoes.

Helpful Hint: What else can I say, but … WOOOOOOO!

Ric Flair Wooooooo

*****

Nick Saban

Nick Saban in a jacket that is clearly at war with the disruptive tie its paired with goes against everything the Alabama coach stands for, as there is zero synergy here. Saban and a severe lack of preparation just doesn’t add up.

Helpful Hint: Ditch the tie, man. Sure, you’re recruiting. But I’m guessing the recruits are cool with laid back Nick.

*****

Nick Saban, Again

Speaking of laid back Nick, this is more like it. Yes, he’s wearing an argyle sweater that seemingly pays homage to UNC, but he’s also doin’ The Dab. A damn good version of The Dab. Plus, jeans!

Helpful Hint: Buy stilts.

*****

Tyronn Lue

Coach Lue, you’re not supposed to unbutton your shirt and loosen up your tie unless it is 12:03am at a wedding reception or until your press conference is over. But congrats on the All-Star game nod! GREAT STUFF.

Helpful Hint: Next time, before meeting with the press, mentally return to Earth. Or at least try to.

*****

Panthers Fans

This is beyond tremendous. There are no words. And obviously no “helpful hints.”

Sports are amazing.

*****

Clyde Frazier

Is this a jacket designed to look like a paisley vest was thrown over a jacket? The look on Clyde’s face basically says “why yes sirree, it sure is.”

Helpful Hint: Please serve as chief chaperone at every senior prom in America. You’re usually freed up that time of year anyway.

*****

Bill Belichick

Short shorts, socks pulled up, and cleats at the podium. God, I adore this man.

Helpful Hint: Keep going with whatever your heart tells you, Bill. Sometimes being yourself sings the most satisfying melody.

*****

J.R. Smith

JR Smith shoot until my arm falls off

In case you haven’t seen the full shirt, it says “Shoot Until My Arm Falls Off.” And it’s actually a Kevin Durant shirt (notice the logo at bottom right). But it sure as hell feels like a J.R. Smith original. And while this is a photoshop by @NBAonTNT, it speaks volumes that at first glance I just assumed he wore this ensemble.

Helpful Hint: WEAR THIS ENSEMBLE.

*****

Charles Barkley

Charles Barkley Presidential

I never thought I would refer to Charles Barkley as looking very Presidential in a finely tailored suit, yet here we are.

Helpful Hint: Please return to oversized jackets and openly complaining about the programming on the very network that pays you. Because this is far too normal.

*****

Cam Newton’s Cleats

I have nothing negative to say about such undeniable creativity. Under Armour must be the happiest brand in the world right now.

Helpful Hint: For the Super Bowl, can you put a list of things in Kramer’s apartment on your cleats? For the people, man. For the people.

*****

Cardinals Fans

This is here because it might be one of the saddest tweets I’ve ever read when it comes sports. “You’re not alone.” Geez guys, let’s pull it back together. And while it’s not very fashionable to weep in public at a sporting event, it’s even worse to stare at the person crying with a look of genuine satisfaction on your face. This photo has it all.

Helpful Hint: Avoid SportsCenter until March and stick with Netflix. Just don’t watch Making A Murderer. Emotions are already running VERY high.

*****

Willie McGinest

Plainly put, a pinstriped jacket and what appears to be an edible, candy ribbon tie is an absolute no-no. This is the perfect example of feuding patterns where everyone loses.

Helpful Hint: Remove the chalk lines from your jacket to make it solid brown and BOOM, you are suddenly well-dressed. It’s really that simple.

*****

Don Cherry

Fun Fact: If you flip Don Cherry’s obscenely large collar upwards, downhill skiing suddenly becomes much more pleasant. Throw in a hat and he’s golden.

Helpful Hint: Give us more split-screen shots like this one. The expression at right says so much without saying anything at all.

*****

Jim Nantz

I have to say, I’m liking the tie which must’ve been sent directly from the Minnesota Vikings marketing department. Brilliant move. Even when they’re out, we’re still thinking about them. Or maybe it was just me thinking about them. I’ll safely go with the latter.

Helpful Hint: Please wear an orange and blue tie during the next Broncos-Patriots game. Trust me, the unreasonable outrage will be well worth it.

*****

Nate Burleson

A “Homie” hat playing off of the Friends logo? Oh my LORD, this is the greatest hate I’ve seen in ages. It’s also worth noting that Nate Burleson is one of the most underrated sports personalities when it comes to stlyin’. The guy also brings it, yet rarely gets discussed.

Helpful Hint: Don’t change a thing. Keep bringing us gifts like that hat, which I will need to search for and order immediately.

*****

Broncos Fans

This Denver fan who looked like a goofy Tony Romo — which is basically, well, Tony Romo — took the cake during the Pats-Broncos game for glaringly obvious reasons. But also for sporting that old school Broncos hat with the script font. I’m pretty sure given the sea of orange we saw on Sunday that no one else in that entire stadium had the same hat.

Helpful Hint: On Super Bowl Sunday, do your best to NOT mimic the posture of Mr. Burns.

*****

Clyde Frazier, Again

Based on what we’ve seen of late, I have a sneaky suspicion Clyde Frazier’s intern has been scouring local retirement communities for the absolute worst curtains out there, and then drops them all on the desk of a very frightened, frazzled tailor.

Helpful Hint: Have someone at MSG start painting your jackets on live TV during these pregame chats with Kenny Albert. Would make for some unusual performance art and could become a game-changer in the sports broadcasting world.

*****

Heath Evans

Love ya, Heath. But if you’re gonna open up that jacket, the tip of the tie must be touching the belt; or at the very least attempting to form a kinship. While this is by no means a Merril Hoge violation, pointing it out in the early stages like I am now is to avoid that very tragedy.

Helpful Hint: Fasten buttons on jacket and we’ll collectively agree this never happened.

*****

Russell Westbrook, Again

Only Russell Westbrook can make the “jacket with a faulty zipper” look come across as fashionable and completely natural.

Helpful Hint: Feels like you’re slippin’, Russ. That hoodie sewn underneath should be seven different colors and you know it.

*****

Cam Newton

Let’s start from inside and go out: A scarf, a button-down, a sweater, a jacket, and another jacket. Even for Cam Newton, this feels a tad EXCESSIVE. And he doesn’t look all that happy about it.

Helpful Hint: Stop trying to appease 27 different brands with the same outfit. We are still well over week from the Super Bowl, dude.

*****

Patriots Fans

Honestly, I’m most offended by the scarf at far right.

Helpful Hint: Place scarf in blender. Press “liquefy.”

*****

Joe Buck

Had these two swapped the sweater for the leather jacket before the photo was taken, we’d be witnessing some true gold here.

Helpful Hint: It was exceedingly nice of you to wear the cardigan sweater someone gave you for Christmas. Just try not do it again.

*****

Peyton Manning

This photo is downright adorable and due to the angle of the photo, it does not allow me to mock what is likely a multi-patterned, confusing getup from Pey-Pey.

Helpful Hint: Next time, prop the little guy up on the podium and allow him to experience Riley Curry-like stardom.

Oh wait, scratch that thought. THERE he is. Awesome. Very cool moment for Peyton Manning and his son.

*****

Matt Patricia

Fun Fact: During the offseason, Matt Patricia is one of the most feared pit bosses in all of Las Vegas and is often flown to Europe to moderate high stakes poker games.

Helpful Hint: Perhaps hire someone to find you a jacket that’s a bit more, uh … flattering? (Sloooowly backs away from computer.)

*****

LaDainian Tomlinson

I have no problem with being colorful when it comes to formal or casual attire, but any tie that looks like it was sponsored by Candy Crush is not something to wear on live TV.

Helpful Hint: Consult your sharply dressed co-worker, Nate Burleson. He shall show you the light.

*****

Clyde Frazier, One Last Time

This man makes Cam Newton look like a straight-laced accountant. Just an unbelievable statement by Clyde in his deep belief of the paisley pattern and everything it stands for. And this is just a guess, but I wouldn’t be surprised if his lavish suit collection could drape the Empire State Building. Twice.

Helpful Hint: Consider wearing Spike Lee as a hat, or perhaps a scarf, just to shake things up. Twitter would eat that up.

*****

Miraculous Fashion Turnaround

As preposterous a photo as this might seem, it’s a remarkable bounce back from what we were privy to above. And it happened in the same post! Nicely done, Joe.


Previous installments of this weekly feature from freelance writer Tim Ryan can be found right here.

Tim Ryan

About Tim Ryan

Freelance Writer, Editor, Humorist, and Fashion Critic. Currently in heated negotiations over the rights to Jack Sikma's striking perm and an authentic mold of Chris Sabo's goggles.

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