Twenty-Five (Very Satirical) Reasons For Tampa Bay Bucs Fans To Embrace Greg Schiano

As you’ve probably heard by now, on Thursday morning, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers shocked the football world and tabbed former Rutgers head coach Greg Schiano as their next head coach. After whiffing on Chip Kelly and turning sour on Mike Sherman (like every Texas A&M fan over the last six months, actually), Schiano is apparently now the man in charge of getting the (pirate) ship back on course in Tampa.

As for the hire itself, well, the Crystal Ball Run staff will further break it down further this afternoon, in one of our “Meeting of the Minds,” roundtable discussions. But until then Bucs fans, don’t fret, we’re here for you. Nobody knows college football like we do, and because of it, we’ve decided to supply you with 25 Reasons to embrace Schiano’s hiring. Sure, he was only 68-67 in 10 years on the Turnpike. And sure, the Big East has been lousy for the last half decade and change. Still, cheer up. It could be worse. We think.

Anyway, here are our 25 (Very Satirical) Reasons To Embrace The Greg Schiano Hire:

1. This hire makes Tampa the no-doubt-about-it, clear-cut, can’t miss favorite in the 2014 Chip Kelly coaching sweepstakes

2. Schiano went 5-1 in bowl games during his time at Rutgers. How many bowl wins does Sean Payton have? Huh? That’s what I thought.

3. I mean, it’s not like Tampa was going to the playoffs in the next few years anyway.

4. Schiano is known as a defensive coach, meaning that there is NO WAY the Carolina Panthers will ever again hang 48 points on the Bucs like they did this year. (But 38 points? That’s definitely still in play.)

5. Nobody recruits Jersey harder than Schiano. No-BODY!

6. Sure Schiano’s program may have plateaued three years ago. That also means that four years ago it was on the rise! #GlassHalfFull

7. Look, all those wins against UConn didn’t happen by accident. Know what I’m saying?

8. If Tampa couldn’t secure Mike Sherman, this had to have been the next best thing, right?

9. Schiano + the Florida heat= Comical amounts of sweat. Somebody get this man an undershirt!

10. If Schiano can handle the media scrutiny of the Pinstripe Bowl, then he should have no problem in the NATIONAL…FOOTBALL…LEAGUE.

11. When Ray Rice officially goes over the hill in three years and reunites with Schiano in Tampa, that’ll give Tom Rinaldi a solid three weeks’ worth of material to work with.

12. If Bill Stewart ever gets an NFL head coaching job, Tampa fans will have to feel pretty good about Schiano having the edge when the two teams meet.

13. Before he was better known for getting arrested than catching footballs, Kenny Britt was a Rutgers Scarlet Knight.

14. Ask any lady and they’ll tell you that Scarlet uniforms color truly brought out Schiano’s eyes best anyway. The gray and lighter red of the Bucs uniforms match his skin tone MUCH better.

15. Honestly, he can’t be worse than Raheem Morris.

16. When Schiano does finally get his dream job at the University of Miami, this is going to make the move SO much easier.

17. If you look closely at Schiano’s face, he kind of looks like a young Vince Lombardi. Coincidence? I think not.

18. In Tampa’s defense, anytime you’ve got a chance to pluck a coach who was one game over .500 the last two years, in the Big East of all places, it’s simply a move you have to make.

19. Remember that 2006 Big East Coach of the Year Trophy? Yeah, that sucker didn’t win itself.

20. If Schiano is in a pinch for a defensive coordinator, he’s already got a strong working relationship with Dave Wannstedt from their Big East days.

21. And if Wanny doesn’t work out, Randy Edsall could be in play a year from now anyway.

22. If the folks of Tampa need their football fix, they’ve finally got a legitimate reason to go watch the South Florida Bulls instead. Win, Skip Holtz!

23. For once, Jon Gruden will call someone “this guy,” because he doesn’t actually know his name.

24. This hire gets Tampa one step closer to Matt Barkley in the 2013 NFL Draft. #YesWeCan

25. Ok, I can’t hold it back anymore: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

For all his opinion, insight and articles on college football and beyond, please follow Aaron Torres on Twitter @Aaron_Torres.

About Aaron Torres

Aaron Torres works for Fox Sports, and was previously a best-selling author of the book 'The Unlikeliest Champion.' He currently uses Aaron Torres Sports to occasionally weigh-in on the biggest stories from around sports. He has previously done work for such outlets as Sports Illustrated, SB Nation and Slam Magazine.