Finding the right Christmas gift for each SEC coach


You either love the SEC or you hate it. There is no in-between. But there is one thing you can't argue with and that is the collection of coaches in the league is second to none. Whether it's pure coaching on the field or sound bytes for the media, the coaches in the SEC bring the goods. For all that they've done for us, let's give them back a little bit. If I had the power, here is what I would give each SEC coach for Christmas…

Alabama's Nick Saban

The run Saban has been on at Alabama has been unprecedented in this era of college football. At this point, he's actually a victim of his own success. Anything short of a National Championship is considered failure by many in the Crimson Tide fanbase. I might have to go into witness protection after this gift but I'm giving Nick Saban an early retirement. Head out to the lake for the rest of your days coach, you deserve it.


Arkansas's Bret Bielema

As expected, it was a tough first year for Bret at Arkansas. Ever since the infamous #karma tweet by Jen Bielema, the Razorbacks haven't won a football game. For Bret, I'm going to climb into my trusty time machine and go back in time and erase the #karma tweet so it never happened and I'm also going to give him first approval on all of Jen's future tweets.


Auburn's Gus Malzahn

What do you get the man who has everything? At least that's the way it seems this season with the rabbits that Auburn has pulled out of their magic hat. Personally, I love a coach in a nice sweater vest and Gus rocks it as well as anybody since Jim Tressel. So let's get Gus the gift that keeps giving all year long, a membership in the sweater vest of the month club.


Florida's Will Muschamp

Muschamp's defense at Florida has been solid. Yes, they had some injuries this season which caused it to go sideways at times but overall the defense has not been his issue. My gift to Will? Giving him an offensive coordinator would be too easy. Instead, I'm giving him a Men In Black Neuralyzer (yep, that flashy thing that erases people's memories). Anytime you see Florida AD Jeremy Foley headed your way, well, you know what to do.


Georgia's Mark Richt

Richt's Dawgs struggled with injuries in 2013. When Todd Gurley was healthy, Georgia was almost unbeatable. The problem was, Gurley struggled to stay on the field. He sat out a few games and missed parts of others. My gift to Richt is a magic elixir that he can use that will keep one player healthy for an entire season. I bet he uses it on Gurley.


Kentucky's Mark Stoops

Bourbon. Lots of bourbon.


LSU's Les Miles

Les has achieved everything that any coach dreams of doing at the college level. For Les, it's time to enjoy life and for him to do what comes naturally to him. We all know about Les's affinity for picking up some stadium grass and having a bite. We give to him a special collection of grass from each of the 14 stadiums around the SEC.


Mississippi State's Dan Mullen

Dan's offense just doesn't run quite the same without Tim Tebow at the helm. Tebow isn't doing much these days so for Dan I give him four years of eligibility for Tebow at Mississippi State.


Missouri's Gary Pinkel 

It was a resounding turnaround for Missouri this year under Pinkel. Unfortunately, like in the Big 12, Missouri came up a bit short. In the video game world, you can buy items for one time use that enhance your performance. For Pinkel, I'm giving him a Championship Game power-up. In case of Championship Game appearance, break glass and it will provide you with a victory.


Ole Miss's Hugh Freeze

Huge Freeze has done a great job at Ole Miss since taking over and made big waves with his recruiting class of 2013. I realize that some of our gifts we are giving will have an impact on the other coaches. For Freeze, it's critical for him to win the Egg Bowl every year and with us giving Tebow to Dan Mullen it's going to be very difficult for him to do that. So for Hugh, we are giving him a Nkemdiche cloning machine. This machine will give Hugh the ability to clone both of the Nkemdiche brothers up to two times. Use it well, my friend.


South Carolina's Steve Spurrier

Spurrier is a writer's dream. He always has that sound byte ready and he's more than willing to use it. Jay Leno's run is coming to an end on the Tonight Show and he's going to be replaced by Jimmy Fallon. Personally, I'd like to see Jimmy wait a year to take over and give the gig to Spurrier for 2014. 


Tennessee's Butch Jones

Have you ever seen the Adam Sandler movie "Click"? Basically, in the movie Sandler gets a remote control and he can fast forward through the boring parts of his life. For Butch, I give him the click remote so he can fast forward a few years and see what it looks like when he's dug the Vols out of the hole they are in.


Texas A&M's Kevin Sumlin

Sumlin looks like he's settled in at Texas A&M for the long haul but there is one thing he's missing. It's called defense. Texas A&M is the home of the "12th man". So for Sumlin, I'm giving him the power to play 12 guys on defense. Maybe that will help keep their opponents out of the end zone.


Vanderbilt's James Franklin

Is James Franklin a great coach? He's certainly done an admirable job at Vandy. For Franklin, I give him a higher profile job for Christmas. In fact, I give him the biggest job on the market. Have fun out in Texas. Let's see if you've got "it".


Merry Christmas to all of the head coaches in the SEC and I hope they enjoy my gifts.

About Kevin Causey

Dry humorist, craft beer enthusiast, occasionally unbiased SEC fan, UGA alumni, contributor for The Comeback.