LONDON, ENGLAND – JULY 27: A performer depicts the cleaning of a chimney in the era known as the Industrial Revolution during the Opening Ceremony of the London 2012 Olympic Games at the Olympic Stadium on July 27, 2012 in London, England. (Photo by Roger Sedres/Gallo Images/Getty Images)

Here’s a story that can only have happened in the American south, though shockingly it’s not Florida. Instead, it’s from Louisiana, which is sort of like Florida’s twisted cousin when it comes to crimes of stupidity.

Thanks to KCRG, we learned of Matthew Mobley, a charming fellow who apparently fancies himself quite the criminal. He was recently caught breaking into a business. How was he discovered? Well, let’s go to the news:

Employees told officers that when they arrived at the business, they could hear a man yelling. They found he was stuck.

Stuck in a chimney! How do you even contemplate entering a building via chimney, anymore? This isn’t Dickensian London, those things are tight. It’s almost as though Mobley didn’t quite think this plan through. But at least he was cool under pressure, the hallmark of any career criminal:

While officers were in route, police say the man was able to free himself from the chimney. He then reportedly threw a brick at an employee before running from the store.

Sure, why not? The best part, though, is when Mobley’s criminal history is revealed:

This is Mobley’s 77th booking into the Rapides Parish Detention Center. He’s facing charges of attempted simple burglary and aggravated assault.

That’s 77 times in the same jail! When the call came in that some idiot was stuck in the chimney, local police had to figure it was him, right? And how exactly is he not just in jail now? Does Louisiana offer some sort of 83 strike law?

Here’s the thing with criminals: most of the time, smart people realize that it’s smarter to not break the law. So there’s a bit of a selection bias towards stupidity in the average criminal pool, which is how we end up with these sorts of situations.

Also, based on this, there’s no way the Louisiana bad guys in the first season of True Detective would have been that smart.

[KCRG]

About Jay Rigdon

Jay is a columnist at Awful Announcing. He is not a strong swimmer. He is probably talking to a dog in a silly voice at this very moment.