As we back the proverbial station wagon out of college football’s driveway and wave to it in the rearview mirror, it’s time to turn our attention to the NFL Draft. We’re still in the thick of player declarations, but this doesn’t stop us from prognosticating about where our favorites will end up.
The draft isn’t perfect when it comes to sussing out talent. Every year, excellent prospects fly under the radar. Lest we forget, five-time Super Bowl Champion Tom Brady was a late sixth-round pick in the same draft when Chad Pennington was taken 18th overall. The Pittsburgh Steelers got a steal in sixth-rounder Antonio Brown, likely the most productive member of their current roster. And Seattle Seahawks’ Doug Baldwin, a 2018 Pro Bowl selection, went undrafted.
So I’d like to bring attention to one prospect who has gotten zero media coverage until now. This individual runs a sub-4-second 40, can jump three times their height, never drops a pass, comes with almost no off-the-field issues, and has the intangibles of a Tim Tebow.
The name’s Posey. Everyone’s favorite wide receiver.
At 26 pounds and 25 inches (seated, with one ear extended), she’s admittedly undersized at her position. But her decision-making and mental toughness more than make up for it. And because she didn’t get a Combine invite, she has a chip on her shoulder the size of Roger Goodell’s forehead.
Ok, yes, to state the obvious: Posey is my dog. I don’t mean that in the colloquial way. Posey is literally my dog. But I’ll ask you to hear me out as I detail her performance in all of the relevant combine events.
40-Yard Dash
Not only does Posey run a sub-4-second 40, but she can do so with a frisbee or a dirty sock in her mouth. With this speed, she’s excellent at wide receiver or on special teams. This is the type of versatility that teams can’t overlook. Sadly, Rex Ryan is no longer coaching, because he might have gone for that whole dirty sock thing.
Bench Press
Posey is young, so her muscles are still developing. Bench is not her strong suit, but I think you’ll find that a football weighs around 15 ounces (unless it belongs to one Thomas Brady), and she has no problem with that.
Broad Jump
Having spent her entire life protesting various things (going to bed, sitting nicely, not jumping in people’s faces), her front legs resemble those of Marshawn Lynch. Teams will be more than happy with her productivity on this front. Her personal philosophy is #NeverSkipLegDay.
Vertical
I first realized Posey’s NFL potential when she effortlessly scaled a bed that, frankly, all 5-foot-2 of me still has trouble with. Girl has bunnies and she will have no problem catching passes or defending against interceptions from big-time quarterbacks, or whomever the Browns have next year. Like Wes Welker, Posey’s short stature is misleading.
3 Cone
Squirrels! Leaves! Another dog! Posey’s whole life is about changing directions while responding to new, intriguing stimuli. If given the chance at the Combine, she would ace this category.
Shuttle
With Analysts calling her “Explosive AF,” (Source: Me) Posey is set to make an impact with any team in 2018. Although she eschews a traditional three-point stance for a four-point stance, she shoots out of the gate all the same.
Four-point stance on display:
All things considered, where Posey sets herself apart is her, mostly, lack of off-the-field issues. I say “mostly,” because she occasionally pees in the corner, but frankly, I’m sure Richie Incognito does the same. And with him, it’s probably more than occasionally.
Posey lacks the baggage of a typical college football star: She hasn’t been arrested, she doesn’t grab her crotch in public, she’s an obedience class graduate, and may pursue her master’s in the future. She’s a model citizen and kids would look up to her, except she’s probably shorter than them.
One sort of unrelated but also related point is Posey is named after Buster Posey, the starting catcher for the San Francisco Giants. Buster is a three-time World Series Champ, Rookie of the Year, and MVP. I feel certain that my Posey has championship inclinations based on her name alone.
So yeah. To recap:
** My dog has a shot in the NFL.
** Richie Incognito is a bitch.
End scene.
