It’s 2016. Why are bullpen phones still a thing?
They are almost single-handedly keeping the landline industry in business, much like national football signing day keeps the fax machine business alive. Never mind that both are teetering on irrelevancy.
Shouldn’t the bullpen phone have been replaced by now with a touchscreen app that prompts a reliever into action? Think of the baseball equivalent of Tinder. Swipe Left for the southpaw. Swipe Right for the right-hander.
You can Skype with your aunt who is vacationing in Australia. GPS technology can locate your stolen car. And yet, when it comes to getting pitchers warmed up, the best teams can do is grab a landline.
It would not be remotely shocking if bullpen phones had a rotary dial and required the assistance of a switchboard operator named Gertrude. “Mr. Aroldis Chapman to pitch the ninth? Please hold, and I’ll connect you.”
Even David Ortiz hates the bullpen phone.
Haven't seen Ortiz like that since he put that bullpen phone in a body bag
— Matty Masters (@MattRubino11) May 7, 2016
Purists will tout its old school reliability. Of course, that makes it even more hilarious when the phone malfunctions. There haven’t been any major snafus so far during the 2016 MLB season, but it’s still early. Last year, there were some hilarious memorable moments which never should have happened.
Baltimore manager Buck Showalter purchased walkie talkies because the visiting bullpen phone at Tropicana Field didn’t work. The Pittsburgh Pirates resorted to hand signals when their phone was on the fritz in Philadelphia. Smoke signals apparently would have been a violation of baseball’s anti-smoking policy.
The worst recent case occurred last June. Jeff Francoeur, then a Philadelphia Phillies outfielder, threw 48 pitches during a 19–3 loss to Baltimore. Why? The Phillies tried to get someone to warm up in the bullpen, but there was a problem. When pitching coach Bob McClure dialed for relief, the phone on the other end never rang because it was off the hook.
Somewhere, a teenager is giggling uncontrollably.
The Philadelphia incident prompts a few more questions. Did McClure hear a busy signal? Do bullpen phones have voicemail?
“Hi, you’ve reached the Philadelphia Phillies bullpen. We’re not available right now but your call is important to us. Please tell us the score, inning, the number of outs and the relief pitcher you wish to enter the game. We’ll get back to you at our earliest convenience.
“If you’re calling to grouse about Mitch Williams, please be advised that he is no longer in our employment.”
Sometimes, the bullpen mishaps happen at the worst possible moment with bigger stakes. During Game 5 of the 2011 World Series, St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony La Russa suffered what he described as an “embarrassing” moment due to miscommunication.
The wrong relief pitcher was sent into a tie game in the eighth inning because the bullpen coach couldn’t hear La Russa over the crowd noise. (Can you hear me now? Guess not.) A series of errors led to Texas catcher Mike Napoli (a .319 batter versus left-handed pitchers that season) hitting a bases-loaded, two-run double off lefty reliever Marc Rzepczynski.
The Rangers won 4–2.
St. Louis captured the World Series. La Russa is in the Hall of Fame. He is also credited with being the first to employ modern-day bullpen strategies when he managed the Oakland A’s in the late 80s and early 90s. Still, imagine the fallout if the Cardinals lost the World Series. Technology isn’t fail-proof, but this mistake could have been avoided.
If the right kind of nachos can be delivered to your ballpark seat via the Internet, you should be able to send the right relief pitcher to the mound. Get Elon Musk or Mark Zuckerberg to solve this issue.
Unfortunately, baseball has always been resistant to change. No sport embraces its past more. You have Old Timers Day. Some parks still employ an organist. And you can find fans keeping score with No. 2 pencils they must have squirreled away from their grade-school days.
Even baseball’s pranks are old. The hot foot, shaving cream in the face during television interviews, and the bubble-gum bubble on top of the cap were played out when Bush was running for president.
George H. W. Bush.
In 2013, there was a plan to replace bullpen phones with wireless technology but that idea was tabled.
There is hope for advancement. Baseball has implemented instant replay and a pitch–clock will likely eventually make it to the majors. (It’s already in use in the minors.) Second-year MLB commissioner Rob Manfred appears to be a forward-thinking fellow. He is tasked with revitalizing a sport where the average viewer of last season’s World Series had a median age of 55.6 years old.
Mr. Commissioner, for your consideration: a modest proposal. Replace the bullpen phones with tablets. The bullpen coach, as well as the corresponding pitchers, will be immediately alerted via smartphones. There will be corresponding confirmation emails to ensure there are no errors.
Simple. Effective.
There is one potential glitch. This brainstorm did not consider the possibility of evil-doers. The St. Louis Cardinals were caught hacking into the Houston Astros database. In its defense, St. Louis blamed a rogue employee.
Mr. Commissioner, if hackers compromise the bullpen touchscreens, there should be a swift, appropriate punishment. The miscreants will be immediately imprisoned in a London phone booth with a bat-wielding David Ortiz for a month.
Trust me, they’ll never misbehave again.
