The NFL is a place where things chance on a week-to-week basis. It’s just how life is. You’re up one week, near the bottom the next. There are obviously other power rankings around the internet for you to read, but here at The Comeback, we’re going to present your NFL Power Rankings with a bit of a twist.
This week’s theme: New Year’s Resolutions!
The “You know what, I’m just gonna be me” Division
Arizona Cardinals (13-2)
Carolina Panthers (14-1)
Everyone is saying you’re different than everybody else. That you have to do a little more of this, a little less of that. Maybe you’re a team that has an offense led by a 36-year-old QB and a 32-year-old WR. Or maybe you’re led by (gasp!) a running QB. But hey man, it’s working for you. Block out all the other nonsense and keep trucking along.
The “Instead of a getting a new flame, I’m just going to get a dog” Division
Seattle Seahawks (9-6)
You have plans of great grandeur. You once had a great ex who got away and now he or she is getting married. So you’re thinking, “I’ve gotta get married too” right? Whoa. Slow your roll there. What better way to get back at your old love than to adopt a great pup and love life? Go for walks, take in everything around you while they’re stuck in wedding planning hell.
The “I’ve got lots of interesting ideas — I’ll start a blog!” Division
New England Patriots (12-3)
Cincinnati Bengals (11-3*)
Denver Broncos (10-4*)
People may like your thoughts on whether or not Wall Street is to blame or that joke you told about Donald Trump’s hair or how you recommend that one book to that one friend. Those are great things by themselves. Don’t fall into the trap of telling the world all about it. Because that freespirit.blogspot.com address might seem cool now, but in two years when you Google yourself, you’ll realize how sad it actually was.
The “This is the year I’ll stop using Facebook” Division
Kansas City Chiefs (10-5)
New York Jets (10-5)
Look, everyone thinks about cutting the cord with Facebook every year. You’re sick of seeing that one aunt who only reposts articles from IJReview.com; or that one friend who posts incessant updates of their 8-month old labradoodle puppy. God, I’ll just make it all stop, you say. Good thought. Never works though. You may go cold turkey for a week, maybe two. But by mid-January, you’re back on Facebook full throttle copying and pasting a status in hopes Mark Zuckerberg gives you free stock.
The “Totally going to organize myself financially” Division
Green Bay Packers (10-5)
Minnesota Vikings (10-5)
You’re so close to being a real, functioning adult. But every month, here comes that credit card bill and you’re smacked back to reality. Did I really have a $328 bar tab at a place called “Smoke Lounge?” (You did.) So you try to do the big boy thing and hire a CPA or a financial planner and get yourself in order. But in reality, you’ve basically hired a third parent to tell you you’re spending money and dumb crap.
The “I’m going to get married!” Division
Washington Redskins (8-7)
Houston Texans (8-7)
Look, you can say it all you want. Ain’t happening.
The “Definitely going to ask for that raise!” Division
Pittsburgh Steelers (9-6)
Atlanta Falcons (8-7)
You’ve mustered up the courage, said the speech to yourself in the bathroom mirror, practiced all the possible comeback your boss might have. You’re ready to roll. Gonna get that raise, no problem at all. But … in the middle of your speech, your cell phone goes off with “In Da Club” by 50 Cent ring tone. Annnnnnnnnd, you’re done.
The “Let’s travel more — how does that sound?” Division
Oakland Raiders (7-8)
St. Louis Rams (7-8)
Indianapolis Colts (7-8)
It’s always one of those thoughts that sounds real great and pretty easy to do. Spin the globe and see where you land. Head to the airport and pick a destination and go there. Live on the edge. Except in the first scenario, you spin and land on Uzbekistan and in the second, you get arrested for possible terrorism.
The “No doubt about it, I’m going to stop drinking” Division
New York Giants (6-9)
You’re not. In fact, you’ll probably drink more.
The “My life needs more spontaneity!” Division
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-9)
New Orleans Saints (6-9)
Detroit Lions (6-9)
Chicago Bears (6-9)
Jacksonville Jaguars (5-10)
Everyone has that “I’m going to dance more this year!” friend. They have these big plans for living life to the max — the way they always intend for it to be lived. And the first couple of times you see them, they’re doing it. Living it up, taking salsa lessons, maybe getting into rock climbing, trying that latest hipster trend. Problem is, living like that is exhausting. So by June, when you want to head out on a Friday night, they’re nursing a pulled groin from salsa, a twisted ankle from rock climbing and have found out that typing everything on a typewriter gets you fired.
The “I need to cut stress out of my life” Division
Buffalo Bills (7-8)
Dallas Cowboys (4-11)
The people that always says this are always the most stressed out people you’ll meet. Year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year.
The “This year is different. This year I’m totally sticking to my diet” Division
Miami Dolphins (5-10)
Baltimore Ravens (5-10)
San Francisco 49ers (4-11)
San Diego Chargers (4-11)
Dieting is such an easy way to start the new year. You get a clean slate to try that killer new kale and quinoa diet you heard about on TV. But you’re never going to stick to it. It’s impossible to find a way to put kale and quinoa in every meal you’re eating. So you eventually just forget you’re even doing it.
The “Time to get organized” Division
Tennessee Titans (3-12)
Cleveland Browns (3-12)
True story: Once had a roommate in college who came back from winter break with a personal organizer. He was determined to get things on track using this. We were skeptical. When we moved out six months later, we found the organizer underneath the couch, covered in dust bunnies. There was one entry in it: “Go to class today.”
The “I’m joining a gym!” Division
Philadelphia Eagles (6-9)
You’re not going to join a gym. You’re just not. You can’t reinvent yourself just because you found the elliptical. You’re a person who enjoys eating fatty foods, drinking cheap beer and watching lots of TV. That’s OK. You don’t need to get all sweaty every Monday, Wednesday and Friday to be fit and healthy. Just stop making bad choices. Don’t pay a ridiculous amount of money for something you’ll hate halfway into your relationship with it.
