There are only two things Americans care about: NFL football and Pokémon Go.
With people flooding business districts, tourist traps, churches and even cemeteries in search of Pokémon, they’re also prepping for fantasy football drafts and reading up on preseason matchups. So why not combine them?
The Comeback has you covered with the ultimate guide to both Pokémon and pro football: The NFL Pokédex!
No. 6, PSYDUCK: MARK SANCHEZ
This quarterback is a goofy little Pokémon who seems continually out-of-place. He’s a perpetual source of slapstick comedy, popping up at the worst possible times to cluelessly sabotage his team. Even though John Elway said “I choose you!” to a first-round quarterback, somehow Sanchez is out there starting for the world champion Denver Broncos.
No. 8, METAPOD: MARCUS MARIOTA
When this Pokémon is ready to grow up, he’s going to be a powerful weapon of the air. In the meantime, the Tennessee Titans have committed to a plodding, run-first offense with drive blockers up front and big power backs for him to hand off to. In 2016, this promising talent may have nothing to do but try and get better while hiding in his shell.
No. 9, MATTHEW STAFFORD: KINGLER
This former first overall pick has one astonishingly powerful arm—but until he figures out how to use it right, the crown on his head will only be for show.
No. 11, PIKACHU: JULIAN EDELMAN
This “electric mouse” Pokémon is the adorable, feisty, scene-stealing sidekick to a world-conquering Boy Next Door. He ankle-bites his way to ridiculously improbable victories over much bigger, faster, stronger opponents, helping the Patriots pile up gym badges.
No. 14, GROWLITHE: ANDY DALTON
The evolved form of Growlithe, Arcanine, is a legendary Pokémon (depending on who you ask). This fiercely loyal, tiger-striped quarterback shows flashes of being one of the best in the business. Come playoff time, though, we’re always reminded that this fiery-haired pup has a lot of growing up to do.
No. 24, GENGAR: JOSH NORMAN
This ghost-type Pokémon uses his incredible speed to stay in wideouts’ shadows wherever they go. Using the power of teleportation, he can apparently contribute to NFL pre-game shows and play in NFL games in the same season!
Todd Gurley with the Amazing TD 🏈😳#Rams #NFL pic.twitter.com/2ri8EjTlUx
— NFL Stats (@NFL_Stats) August 10, 2016
No. 30, RAPIDASH: TODD GURLEY
At 6-foot-1, 226 pounds of bristling muscle, this Los Angeles Rams tailback is the definition of a workhorse. But he’s also got blazing speed to go with his incredible power. With rookie quarterback Jared Goff likely starting, Gurley will be putting the Rams offense on his back and carrying them as far (and fast) as he can.
No. 52, DODRIO: PRESTON BROWN
This Buffalo Bills linebacker has a rare combination of speed, length and ferocity. But his three heads don’t just add up to three times the brains (and mouths) of your average NFL run-stuffer—he needs three sets of ears to listen to head coach Rex Ryan, defensive coordinator Dennis Thurman and assistant head coach Rob Ryan all yelling things at him right before the snap.
No. 75, SNORLAX: VINCE WILFORK
The biggest Pokémon of them all, this Houston Texans nose tackle is an irresistible force of nature who only wakes to eat—and only moves when you play him some music.
No. 77, LAPRAS: TYRON SMITH
This 6-foot-5, 320-pound gentle giant is the best left tackle in the business—and an eager escort of Dallas Cowboys running backs into the second level of opposing defenses.
6 more Sunday’s until we see Antonio Brown doing this again! @AntonioBrown84 🏈 pic.twitter.com/vhdf7LGOg0 — NFL Update (@MySportsUpdate) July 31, 2016
No. 84, SCYTHER: ANTONIO BROWN
This fast, aggressive battler’s hands are a pair of deadly weapons. The Pittsburgh Steelers rely on this wideout to make sharp cuts and fly to open space on every down. Though grass types are usually weak to fire attacks, he’s the one who burns his opponents to a toasty crisp.
No. 88, CHARIZARD: DEZ BRYANT
Speaking of firey Pokémon, this hot-tempered talent is capable of roasting even the strongest opponents. But he’s as hard to handle as he is hard-headed, and has a habit of turning on his trainers. When he’s focused and engaged, he’s nearly unstoppable. When he isn’t…he isn’t.
No. 89, MEOWTH: DOUG BALDWIN
At 5-foot-10, 192 pounds, the Scratch Cat Pokémon doesn’t cut an imposing figure. But he’s all sorts of feisty, talks a great game and unsheaths his claws to do big damage at critical moments. As a result he’s surrounded by rings, trophies and plenty of shiny gold coins.
No. 93, BLASTOISE: NDAMUKONG SUH
This powerful, teal-clad Pokémon makes his home near the beach. His tank-like shell and two huge guns make opponents quake in fear, and his name is spoken with awe among Pokémon enthusiasts. But given all his obvious ability, you think he’d have better stats.
No. 1(50), MEWTWO: CAM NEWTON
This Pokémon is off-the-charts powerful in every measurable way, like someone grew the ultimate quarterback in a lab. An intense competitor who refuses to be boxed in by the powers that be, this cat-like superweapon’s rebellious streak often gets him cast as the villain—but he’s just trying to be the best him he can be.
