The NFL season is two weeks away. Everyone is optimistic right now, but soon reality will separate the contenders from the pretenders.
As your excitement builds for giving your Sundays, and Monday and Thursday nights to the NFL, how confident should you be in your team’s head coach? Here’s our guide to each of the 32:
Arizona Cardinals
Coach: Bruce Arians
AKA: Coach Kangol
Nemesis: Mike Tomlin
Record with current team: 34-14 in three seasons
Odds Shark under/over win total: 10
Odds Shark odds of winning coach of the year: +600 (No.1 out of 32)
Lootmeister.com odds on being first coach fired: +25000 (31 of 32)
Coaching confidence level: Extremely high
Summary: Nobody has done a better coaching job over the past four seasons than Arians. The two-time coach of the year is 43-17 during that span – which includes his 12-game stint as Indianapolis’ interim coach in 2012 when Chuck Pagano took a medical leave due to leukemia. Arians miraculously breathed life into the previously rotting corpse of Carson Palmer who enjoyed his highest QB rating of his career last season (104.6). The biggest concern is Arians’ health but assuming he’s good to go, the Cardinals are in excellent hands.
Lie detector question: You cut a player for parking in your parking spot. What would you do if Larry Fitzgerald parked there?
Bruce Arians receives a gold Kangol from LL Cool J after the Cardinals win the Super Bowl #RidiculousNFLPredictions
— Jason (@JasonEcon) August 18, 2016
Atlanta Falcons
Coach: Dan Quinn
AKA: Coach Retired Pro Wrestler (that’s what he looks like)
Nemesis: Cam Newton
Record with current team: 8-8 in one season.
Odds Shark under/over win total: 7.5
Odds Shark odds of winning coach of the year: +7500 (29 out of 32)
Lootmeister.com odds on being first coach fired: +4000 (20 out of 32)
Coaching confidence level: Tepid
Summary: Not sure what to make of Dan Quinn. The Falcons opened 5-0 before completely collapsing. They became just the seventh team since the 1970 merger to not make the playoff after winning their first five games. That’s embarrassing when you consider Atlanta lost six in a row at one point, falling to teams like Tampa Bay (twice) and San Francisco. At least the Falcons found a running back in Devonta Freeman (14 TDs) and Julio Jones remains awesome.
Lie-detector question: Have you considered cloning Julio Jones?
Dan Quinn gotta be related to Stone Cold Steve Austin
— SwopeCalhoun (@SwopeDza) August 11, 2016
Baltimore Ravens
Coach: John Harbaugh
AKA: Coach The Sane Harbaugh Brother
Nemesis: Pittsburgh Steelers/ New England Patroits
Record with current team: 77-51 in eight seasons
Odds Shark under/over win total: 8
Odds Shark odds of winning coach of the year: +3000 (15 out of 32)
Lootmeister.com odds on being first coach fired: +4000 (21 out of 32)
Coaching confidence level: Warm
Summary: Since winning the Super Bowl, Baltimore has finished in third place in the AFC North three straight times and won one playoff game. It’s not necessarily Harbaugh’s fault. The talent level has been depleted in recent seasons. Last year’s first-round draft choice Breshad Perriman has yet to play due to injuries. It also hasn’t helped that Joe Flacco hasn’t been anywhere close to the top quarterbacks in recent years.
Last year was Harbaugh’s first losing season. The Ravens plays in the brutal AFC North.
Lie-detector test: Do you ever text message your brother with pictures of your Super Bowl ring?
@LeBatardShow John Harbaugh looks like the overzealous SWAT team commander. Tony Dungy looks like the hostage negotiator
— Ben Little (@BenLittle3) June 16, 2016
Buffalo Bills
Coach: Rex Ryan
AKA: Coach Loudmouth
Nemesis: Bill Belichick
Record with current team: 8-8 one season
Odds Shark under/over win total: 8
Odds Shark odds of winning coach of the year: +6500 (55 out of 32)
Lootmeister.com odds on being first coach fired: +2500 (17 out of 32)
Coaching confidence level: Cooling rapidly
Summary: No head coach in NFL history has talked so much and accomplished so little (54-58 career record). Well, maybe his father Buddy Ryan (RIP) (55-55). It’s hard not to like Ryan because he’s a refreshing voice in a league full of say-nothing coaches. However, it would help his case a little if he would start winning again. After opening his career with back-to-back AFC championship game appearances, he hasn’t made the playoffs since 2010. It’s been a tough training camp for Buffalo with injuries to rookies Shaq Lawson and Reggie Ragland and the suspension of defensive tackle Marcell Dareus.
Lie detector question: No need. If you ask, Ryan will answer.
Rex Ryan right now pic.twitter.com/XnBgMAyVeF
— Chris Trapasso (@ChrisTrapasso) August 16, 2016
Carolina Panthers
Coach: Ron Rivera
AKA: Riverboat Ron
Nemesis: Von Miller
Record with current team: 47-32-1 in five seasons
Odds Shark under/over win total: 10.5
Odds Shark odds of winning coach of the year: +800 (4 out of 32)
Lootmeister.com odds on being first coach fired: +10000 (28 out of 32)
Coaching confidence level: Lofty
Summary: Rivera has won the NFL’s coach of the year award twice in the past three seasons. That must come as a shock Michael Lombardi. In December 2012, NFL Network’s Lombardi reported that he expected Rivera to be fired.
Rivera’s record prior to that report: 13-19. Since the report: 34-13.
His staff delivered one of the most surprising 15-1 seasons in league history and the franchise’s second Super Bowl appearance. Despite losing arguably its second best offensive player in wide receiver Kelvin Benjamin, Rivera, the Panthers were the NFL’s highest scoring team (31.2). Above all, Rivera’s smartest decision has been to let MVP Cam Newton be Cam Newton and ignore a lot of the noise.
Lie detector question: How annoyed were you when he found out that the Panthers were going to release cornerback Josh Norman?
I’ve never respected Ron Rivera more than going for a fourth down rather than kick a chip-shot FG which would have tied a preseason game.
— Darin Gantt (@daringantt) August 12, 2016
Chicago Bears
Coach: John Fox
AKA: Coach Crash
Nemesis: Aaron Rodgers
Record with current team: 6-10 in one season.
Odds Shark under/over win total: 7.5
Odds Shark odds of winning coach of the year: +4500 (21 out of 32)
Lootmeister.com odds on being first coach fired: +2500 (16 out of 32)
Coaching confidence level: Low
Summary: John Fox is in an exclusive club. He, Dan Reeves, Mike Holmgren and Don Shula are the only coaches to lose Super Bowls with two different teams. Fox and Reeves are the only two to do so without ever winning the championship. Fox was fired/ resigned from Denver only to quickly resurface with Chicago. He improved the defense which went from a dumpster fire to merely average. But even with Jay Cutler playing reasonably well, the Bears have virtually no chance of winning the NFC North as long as Aaron Rodgers is still alive.
Lie-detector question: How much do you hate Gary Kubiak for winning the Super Bowl in his first year in Denver?
65 tackles.
2 pass breakups.
1 INT.
1 heck of a head of hair.
John Fox… 1976.(
Cincinnati Bengals
Coach: Marvin Lewis
AKA: Coach 0-For-The-Playoffs
Nemesis: Every Pittsburgh Steeler (alive, retired or dead)
Record with current team: 112-92 in 13 seasons.Odds Shark under/over win total: 9.5
Odds Shark odds of winning coach of the year: +1400 (9 out of 32)
Lootmeister.com odds on being first coach fired: +5000 (23 out of 32)Coaching confidence level: Realistic
Summary: Marvin Lewis is the modern day Jim Mora Sr. Never has a coach enjoyed regular-season success with nothing to show for it in the postseason. Lewis, 0-7 in the playoffs, has the most victories for a coach who is still searching for his first playoff win. Mora, who won 125 games, went 0-6. The Bengals’ implosion against the Steelers last year was one for the ages. Could Cincinnati do better with a different coach? Perhaps. But for now Cincinnati will try, try, try against the Marvin Lewis way.
Lie-detector question: Can you can’t believe you’re the second-longest tenured coach in the NFL behind Bill Belichick?
@sportspickle If the Bengals beat themselves does that mean Marvin Lewis finally won a playoff game??
— Ryan Bradley (@rmbradle) January 10, 2016
Cleveland Browns
Coach: Hue Jackson
AKA: Coach Mission: Impossible
Nemesis: Josh Gordon’s urine tester
Record with current team: First yearOdds Shark under/over win total: 5
Odds Shark odds of winning coach of the year: +7000 (27 out of 32)
Lootmeister.com odds on being first coach fired: +3300 (19 out of 32)Coaching confidence level: Hopeless
Summary: Hue Jackson has a reputation of being a quarterback whisperer. He’s had successes (Joe Flacco, Andy Dalton). He’s had failures (Joey Harrington, Patrick Ramsey). If Jackson rejuvenates Robert Griffin III, he deserves the Nobel Prize. The Browns have played a league-high 24 different starting quarterbacks since 1999. But Jackson isn’t afraid of tough challenges. His previous head coaching experience was with the Raiders in 2011. He went 8-8 which considering the state of Oakland back then, was fairly impressive.
Lie-detector question: Do you have a good story about Cincinnati Bengals owner Mike Brown being cheap?
Dallas Cowboys
Coach: Jason Garrett
AKA: Coach Red Jesus
Nemesis: General Manager Jerry Jones
Record with current team: 45-43 in six seasonsOdds Shark under/over win total: 9.5
Odds Shark odds of winning coach of the year: +2500 (13 out of 32)
Lootmeister.com odds on being first coach fired: +1400 (5 out of 32)Coaching confidence level: Measured
Summary: Jason Garrett exists in a weird space. He’s probably OK as a coach and might have gotten Dallas to the Super Bowl if not for this ridiculous rule. Garrett has an owner willing to spend on talent and resources. He also has a general manager who is meddlesome and struggles to make the right personnel decision. Unfortunately for Garrett, the owner and GM are the same guy (Jerry Jones). Management failed to get a capable backup quarterback last year. As a result, the Cowboys missed out on the playoffs when Tony Romo was hurt.
Lie-detector question: Did you think about quarterbacking the Cowboys after Romo went down?
It's a wrap in Oxnard but you'll never guess who won the final competition of #CowboysCamphttps://t.co/6V71JRAdAo
— Dallas Cowboys (@dallascowboys) August 18, 2016
Denver Broncos
Coach: Gary Kubiak
AKA: Coach Hair Dye
Nemesis: Brock Osweiler
Record with current team: 12-4 in one seasonOdds Sharkunder/over win total: 9.5
Odds Shark odds of winning coach of the year: +2800 (14 out of 32)
Lootmeister.com odds on being first coach fired: +8000 (26 out of 32)Coaching confidence level: Solid
Summary: Kubiak, known for his offensive acumen, presided over the second-worst passing game in the NFL. Despite the atrocious play of Peyton Manning and the barely adequate Brock Osweiler, the Broncos won the Super Bowl because of their defense. This is somewhat similar to the 2000 Baltimore Ravens. They brought in offensive guru Brian Billick, won a Super Bowl but never solved their quarterback issue. Now Kubiak might be starting the Human Turnover in Mark Sanchez. Yikes. Denver’s quarterback situation could be just as bad this year.
Lie-detector question: How close did you come to benching Manning for the entire season?
Gary Kubiak looks like he dies his hair with printer ink pic.twitter.com/iJe62bqcqy
— Gabriel Swenson (@GabeSwen) February 8, 2016
Detroit Lions
Coach: Jim Caldwell
AKA: Coach Sour face
Nemesis: A smile (This image has to be Photoshopped).
Record with current team: 18-14 in two seasonsOdds Shark under/over win total: 7.5
Odds Shark odds of winning coach of the year: +7500 (30 out of 32)
Lootmeister.com odds on being first coach fired: +400 (2 out of 32)Coaching confidence level: Lower than alligator piss
Summary: Was Jim Caldwell born with that expression? He always looks like someone who just discovered he has a flat tire, received a subpoena and has lost his favorite pet. All in the same day. Coaching Detroit will do that to a person. Last coach to win a playoff game for the Lions? Wayne Fontes for goodness sake, way back in 1991. But to be fair, Caldwell looked that way when he was a Peyton Manning interception away from winning a Super Bowl with the Indianapolis Colts. Caldwell knows his days are numbered, especially with Calvin Johnson retired.
Lie-detector question: Have you considered asking Barry Sanders to un-retire?
Jim Caldwell continued: "Here is my absolutely thrilled face." pic.twitter.com/rQ4uiCf45f
— Pride Of Detroit (@PrideOfDetroit) January 15, 2016
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