This past Sunday, the entire world saw the culmination of the brief, yet intense courtship between Odell Beckham Jr. and the kicking net that resides on the New York Giants sideline. Their romance may not make sense to you and I, but it’s not our place to judge.
Rather, we must celebrate their bond as the evidence of true love that it is. Because their love is so overpowering, the two could not bear to wait until the Giants returned from London this weekend, so they did what any couple in the throes of passion does: They got hitched at a sporting goods store as quickly as possible. While the team would not allow video of the ceremony, there is a transcription.
OFFICIANT: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sanctity of big box retail shopping to join this man and this kicking net in holy matrimony.
This is an opportunity for us to share not only in the joy of Netalya and Odell’s love, but also to reaffirm and appreciate the love and the friendship we experience in our own lives. Marriage is an incubator of love and from its confines, affection can spread to those around them. Netalya and Odell have come together to publicly proclaim their undying love through the celebration of their marriage before friends, loved ones, lacrosse goals, pitching machines and teammates. Josh Brown was asked not to attend, for reasons that should be abundantly clear.
Though the two only just recently met, they understand that marriage is not a thing to be entered into lightly, but reverently, passionately, lovingly and solemnly. It is within this bond that they provide continual support to one another and not just a stunt after touchdowns.
If any person can show just cause why they may not be joined together — let them speak now or forever hold their peace.
ELI MANNING: Uh…
BEN MCADOO: Well…
OFFICIANT: Hmm? Yes? Speak up.
ELI MANNING: Oh. No, nothing. I didn’t say anything.
BEN MCADOO: Clearing my throat, sorry.
OFFICIANT: Very well. The bride and groom will now present the exchange of vows.
ODELL BECKHAM: I, Odell, take you, Netalya, to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, for touchdowns, and passes that get broken up but not because I wasn’t open, in sickness and in health, no matter how many HBO stars harass me, to love and to cherish. From this day forward, until death do us part.
— NFL (@NFL) October 16, 2016
When I first met you, I was going through serious career turmoil. It was a down time for me and I lashed out, and you lashed back. It was a harsh introduction, but you showed a willingness to give me the tough love I need. Though I regret my initial behavior, I am so lucky that you’re in my life and will be forever.
OFFICIANT: And now for the giving of rings. I… uh… I suppose you can undo one of threads on the side there and slide it in the netting. Just be careful.
BECKHAM: I, Odell, give you, Netalya, this ring as an eternal symbol of my love and commitment to you. May it rest on your twine.
BECKHAM: I can put mine on myself. It’s okay, it’s okay. This is good. There we go, ring on the finger. All set.
OFFICIANT: Do you, Odell Cornelious Beckham Jr., take Netalya The Kicking Net, to be your beloved spouse, knowing in your heart that you will be a faithful friend and a loving companion? On this special day, in the presence of family and friends and teammates as witnesses, do you give your sacred vow that you will always be with the kicking net and support it, in times of sickness and in times of health, in times of joy and in times of sorrow? When its fibers begin to wear and the elasticity starts to gives a little bit?
BECKHAM: I do.
OFFICIANT: Do you, Netalya The Kicking Net, take Odell to be your beloved spouse, knowing in your heart that you will be a faithful friend and a loving companion? On this special day, in the presence of family and friends and other pieces of athletic apparel as witnesses, do you give your sacred vow that you will always be with Odell and support him, in times of sickness and in times of health, in times of joy and in times of sorrow? When he gets all dramatic and draws an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty for shoving a cornerback who has effectively locked him down?
OFFICIANT: Sure, works for me. By the power vested in me by the State of New Jersey, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride.
Please join us in the men’s running shoes department for the reception with salsa DJing by Victor Cruz.
[Tom Coughlin visibly weeps in the back of the assembled lawn chairs while muttering how this would never happen on his watch.]