The mailbag is back at its regularly scheduled time slot and people want to know the answers to very important things, like whether it’s better to have a third arm or third leg and if stuffing is better than gravy. People also want to know hockey things, like which team has the worst goal song and if anyone is coming back from a 3-0 deficit this postseason.
As always, we have all the correct answers to everything. Mailbag!
1. Fast Food Nation
@davelozo if you had to choose : gravy, or stuffing?
— julian brown (@JulianHarrisBro) April 17, 2017
Here’s the thing about gravy — if the food is cooked well, you don’t need it. Gravy is about giving flavor to things that don’t have flavor. It’s why things like mustard and ketchup exist, to improve bland-tasting things. If the turkey is good, you don’t need gravy. If mashed potatoes are good, they don’t need gravy. Gravy is like a gun, in that it’s good to have if things are going badly, but ideally we wouldn’t need either in our lives and we are better off without them.
Now, stuffing? It’s an elite food that should be on every menu in every restaurant, no matter the cuisine. Mexican? Stuffing. Thai? Stuffing? A burger joint? That’s right — stuffing. I go through this every year during turkey-based holidays, but as of right now, stuffing is the best food on the table at Thanksgiving.
How much better would every meal be if, instead of bringing warm rolls, the waiter dropped a vat of stuffing in the center of the table? If I ran for president, I’d run on a pro-stuffing platform with a side plan to force companies to include actual salary dollar figures with all job listings. Don’t make people guess at what’s in your budget with a tricky “salary requirement” section, jerks.
2. Supermarket Sweep
@davelozo late but: as a CBJ fan how mad do I get to be that in a properly seeded bracket we'd be playing ottawa
— Aileen (@aileenwithan_a) April 17, 2017
I mean, if you think losing a series in six to Ottawa is somehow less upsetting than losing a series in four or five to Pittsburgh, then you should be mad.
(The joke here is the Blue Jackets are way worse than we all realized and they would have lost to any of the other seven playoff teams.)
3. Time After Time
@davelozo What's the dumbest playoff tradition that needs to die.
— Brett Garrett Meeks (@meeks102) April 17, 2017
Here are the worst Stanley Cup Playoff traditions.
• The lies that are playoff start times. Yes, at this point, we all know a 7 o’clock game is starting at 7:15, but it’s still incredibly frustrating. A 3 o’clock game this past weekend started at 3:20. THREE! TWENTY! How many Discover ads must a fan endure before having to endure Pierre McGuire for three hours? YOU’RE NOT SHOUTING YOU WERE SPEAKING IN ALL CAPS! Just kill me.
• The NHL guy is tougher than [enter other sports league here] thing. Zach Werenski gets his face rearranged by a Phil Kessel shot. He bleeds. He swells. He comes back wearing a face shield. Then the inevitable comparisons begin. A BASEBALL PLAYER CAN’T PITCH WITH A BLISTER ON HIS FINGER BUT A HOCKEY PLAYER PLAYS WITH A BROKEN FACE! You know what? Fuck you. How about that? You ever throw a baseball with a blister on your finger? It’s im the fuck possible. It’s a different sport. LeBron can’t play with cramps? Yeah, you know what? No one can. Your body seizes up. Shut the hell up already.
Also, I don’t care about the handshake line that much. But it’s fine.
4. Million Dollar Arm
@davelozo Would you rather have an extra arm or extra leg
— doug (@D0uglas_4) April 17, 2017
Jon Hamm allegedly has a third leg, but I don’t think that’s what you mean.
Let’s weigh the pros and cons of each.
With an extra leg, I don’t see too many pros. Would it make me faster? There doesn’t seem to be any athletic benefit to it. Maybe the high jump at the Olympics? Would they even let me compete? Would a third leg allow me to propel myself higher than a two-legged man or would it weigh me down? If you think manspreading is an issue now, imagine sitting on a subway next to a guy with a literal third leg, not the Hamm thing.
A third arm seems more reasonable, especially when it comes to having special clothes tailored for me. I could probably be an elite MMA fighter with three arms. I could be a world champion juggler. I’m not exactly sure about the logistics, but a third arm has a better chance of improving your abilities in the sack than a third (literal) leg. Carrying shit would be way easier. Depending on where the arm is protruding from my torso, maybe I get a better angle for butt wiping.
Arm is the way to go.
5. The Net
@davelozo who was better behind the net: Sid or Gretzky
— Gullible Skeptic (@RubinOfAkkad) April 17, 2017
It’s weird to say, because the NHL changed the rules because of how good Gretzky was behind the net, but the answer is Crosby. Both guys had/have incredible vision and play-making ability from behind the net. Gretzky could move guys around with his eyes and slip the puck through tiny seams, and Crosby can do that sort of thing too.
But Crosby can protect the puck behind the net with his big ass like no other. Gretzky was a spindly dude that didn’t really have to do that because teams were so terrified to attack him behind the net, so they’d just stand there. Crosby’s ability to hold the puck and drag defenders like the way the ship dragged mines in Galaxy Quest is unrivaled.
6. Bad Boys
@davelozo Is Dan Girardi the worst player in the playoffs?
— Jared Moore (@MrJaredMoore) April 17, 2017
Weird, your phone autocorrects Kevin Klein to Dan Girardi. You should get that fixed.
7. Death Race
@davelozo Which team is most likely to come back from 0-3 deficit
— Pablo Jesus (@hatedkid666) April 17, 2017
Probably nobody, but I give the Wild a chance, only because Jake Allen is at .974 through three games, which is just nuts. The Wild have looked so off in this series, like they are all just meeting each other for the first time before every game. But with Allen set up for regression and the Wild dominating shot attempts, it’s possible.
8. Sing Street
@davelozo What would you consider to be the best and worse possible goal songs?
— Jordan Fortney (@FortneyJordan) April 17, 2017
It’s tough to beat Chelsea Dagger. It’s also tough to remember it because the Blackhawks haven’t scored at home this postseason, but look it up. It’s good.
Whatever the Canadiens have is pretty terrible. It sounds like the thing the Islanders were using a couple years ago. They both sound like the song that would play over a two-minute montage during a 1980s movie where Ralph Macchio lifts weights or over the credits of an Elisabeth Shue movie from 1986.
A good goal song has a hey, oh or some other sound you can chant for 30 seconds over a rocking background track. A guy with what I have to assume is a mullet mumbling after a goal is of no use to anyone.
9. The Two Jakes
@davelozo Jake Allen. Discuss?
— Justin Browning (@InaneGeek) April 17, 2017
He’s single-handedly ruining my bracket and I hope he gets jock itch.