NHLBy Dave Lozo on

The mailbag is here and with the Jimmy Vesey Sweepstakes starting today, we’ve got that covered. Sort of. Where would Harambe sign today? Who will win the World Cup next month? Are the Jets a playoff team? And if you’re stuck on public transportation in the sweltering heat, how do you handle that? So much hockey talk and life advice! Mailbag!

1. Vesey Pitch

Jimmy, Dave Lozo, New Jersey Devils Ambassador and Vice President of Recruiting. Great to meet you. Can I get you a beer? A La Croix? Do you like raspberry splendor? Is that even a real flavor? Anyway, from what I understand, you’re supposed to be the most coveted hockey player in history despite being very old for a rookie and having just finished your college career. I can’t think of too many unsigned college players becoming game-changers after joining a new team in August, but apparently you’re a big deal and it’s August so what else are we going to do?

Based on all the information in the above tweet, you’re considering Toronto and New York as your destinations. I don’t even know if that’s true. I probably shouldn’t tell you this as VP of Recruiting, but boy oh boy, do I not care where you sign. I don’t care at all. A lot of people do. Not me. I would have told you Buffalo is the perfect place at this point in your career, but maybe you’ve got an infatuation with Boston and want to waste your best years there. But I’ll pretend you’ve got it narrowed down to the Rangers, Leafs and Devils for the sake of this bit.

TAMPA, FLORIDA - APRIL 08: Jimmy Vesey of Harvard University and Hobey Baker Award winner poses with the trophy after the 2016 Hobey Baker Memorial Award ceremony at Tampa Theatre on April 8, 2016 in Tampa, Florida.The Hobey Baker Award is given to college hockey's best player. (Photo by Elsa/Getty Images)
TAMPA, FLORIDA – APRIL 08: Jimmy Vesey of Harvard University and Hobey Baker Award winner poses with the trophy after the 2016 Hobey Baker Memorial Award ceremony at Tampa Theatre on April 8, 2016 in Tampa, Florida.The Hobey Baker Award is given to college hockey’s best player. (Photo by Elsa/Getty Images)

The Rangers? Ever been out with a guy that’s drinking heavily? He’s throwing back shots, buying rounds, singing songs. He’s the toast of the bar. Everyone wants to talk to him. No one is having a better time than this guy. But, like with any night out, eventually things turn. The money runs out. The dizziness sets in. It’s just about closing time and he’s about to tip over and pull down his friends with him. That’s when you are getting to the bar. Maybe you’ll get a round before it all goes to hell, but that’s about it.

The Leafs? Because your dad works there? How is that a reason to choose a workplace? What if your dad manually masturbated horses? Or taste-tested mayonnaise? Or worked for the Colorado Avalanche? Would you ever seek employment in those hellish places? Of course not. Toronto has all the expensiveness of New York with none of the culture or food. If the Rangers are the guy about to pass out at the bar, the Leafs are the guy that’s still pregaming in his apartment. You can meet him later.

So why New Jersey? You will have about five percent of the media attention compared to New York and Toronto. Think about all the stupid conversations you’d have with idiot sports writer types who think a premise where a VP of Recruiting talks to you is clever, then think about how that would never happen here in Jersey. You can live in Hoboken, which is about 50 percent cheaper compared to New York, but still has equally good pizza. An Uber from Hoboken to Manhattan is like 20 bucks and Hoboken in the summer smells way less like a dead man wearing a full diaper. You can’t beat it. And the Devils are the guy that is holding his 20-dollar bill at the bar trying to get the bartender’s attention. And when they do, it’s going to be fun.

As for Boston, since that’s clearly a possibility too, that team is basically a bar owner that drinks too much at his bar and wants to burn it down for the insurance money but can’t figure out how to light a match.

2. Drink This In

I’d love to answer this, but I’ve never tried La Croix so I know nothing about these flavors.

3. World Order

First off, black olives rule. I had a deep dish pizza in Chicago a few weeks ago and it had black olives. I think about it like a girl I met at summer camp when I’m back at school in September. I want to write that pizza letters and tell her about how I’m trying out for the cross country team this season.

Second off, I can’t wait for the World Cup. As bored and disinterested as I am in the Summer Olympics, I am equally excited to watch high-level hockey in September. I say this too as an American who is fully prepared to watch his country get thumped.

Canada is going to win gold by about the same distance as Katie Ledecky won that swim race (I don’t watch the Olympics, but I sort of know what’s going on). After that, it’s a toss-up. I’ll pick Sweden to finish second and that Island Of Misfit Europeans team to take third. America fourth.

4. Real Sports

Seriously, we as a planet participate in a thing that displaces poor people from their homes in an effort to build fields and pools that help determine which country has the best dancing horses and coordinated women submerged in water.

5. More Olympics

No one. Just stay home. The Olympics are stupid. Winter over Summer for sure, but if you’re a very good college/junior player with an NHL career on the horizon, why risk a significant injury in a manufactured global sporting event designed to make terrible people millions of dollars? How is a college or junior player going to get released from his work/school schedule for those two weeks? Logistically, is it even worth the hassle?

If you can afford insurance, great. Go and have fun. If you’re an undrafted player and this will be your career pinnacle before you become a doctor or financial portfolio manager, rock and roll. But if you’re a second-round pick at North Dakota, let it go. Earn your first NHL contract, then play in the World Cup. Life is all about making as much money as possible and playing six games in South Korea won’t help that.

6. My Wallet’s Gone

https://twitter.com/BmoreDaveS/status/765308936660586496

Butt, back left in jeans. Right pocket in pants and shorts. If I’m sitting in jeans, sometimes I slip it into my front left pocket. I have a thick-ass Costanza wallet. I need that hotel key from Boston in 2011.

7. Sharknado Of Questions

I don’t even know who Aaron Dell is. I’m not even looking it up. But maybe you’re getting a Dell, dude! Hahaha, like that commercial from 15 years ago! Good one, Dave.

I think it depends. If the Sharks are very good again — and I think they could be — I’d expect Marleau to be a contributor in a smaller role, like maybe on a third line with lots of power play time. It’s also possible he’s not close to done and he will be a 55-point guy and play more. I have no real feel. My overall guess is he finishes his career as a Shark.

Wait, this isn’t a Sharks question, person in a Sharks jersey in his avatar. If the Stars’ goaltending is sub-.910 again, I’d expect them to regress in a big way. But it can’t be that bad again, right? The team around Lehtonen and Niemi has to be better, doesn’t it? The Stars don’t need to make a trade; they need to go back in time and not give Niemi that contract. They could have had Brian Elliott this summer if they were smarter about their goaltending spending.

8. Public Transport

Fart. Either they get up and leave you with some space or you get to bask in your own fart. It’s win-win.

9. Harambe-sed God

Harambe is literally dead and can’t do anything to help a team, so I’ll say the Anaheim Ducks would give him a two-year deal.

10. J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!

I love their defense, but I don’t see how they get to the playoffs with Ryan Fitzpatrick at quarterback. He’s the guy that almost gets you there.

Oh, Winnipeg? Sorry.

I love their defense, but I don’t see how they get to the playoffs with Ondrej Pavelec at goaltender. He’s the guy that almost gets you there.

11. Gorilla Tactics

https://twitter.com/sexysaxman22/status/765267712264331264

Well, that’s easy.

https://twitter.com/jflyers73/status/765037141076221953

Thanks for reading.

About Dave Lozo

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