Is there a hockey offseason? The World Cup is next month and now NHL teams are signing restricted free agents and buying out contracts. Why buy out Antoine Vermette now? What’s the deal with that Tyson Barrie contract? Who will be next season’s biggest gainers and losers? And, of course, what about that time I got food poisoning at a hockey game? Mailbag!
1. Eat And Run
https://twitter.com/FelixHenricksen/status/760159986664308736
This story is nearly six years old and I’m pretty sure I’ve told it before, so maybe the details are hazy and won’t perfectly match the original. But 98 percent of this is 100 percent true.
It was Oct. 29, 2010. I was in Anaheim, California. My boss over the summer found a great deal on flights to certain NHL cities, so he sent out a list of prices, destinations and dates, and asked the writers to see if anything correlates to interesting games to cover.
I picked out Devils-Ducks on 10/29 and Devils-Kings on 10/30. Ilya Kovalchuk had scorned the Kings in free agency and I thought covering his first game in Los Angeles would be fun. The Ducks may have announced during that 10/29 game that they were retiring Scott Niedermayer’s number. I barely remember because I was hallucinating at that point.
Before the game, I had lunch/dinner at an eatery near Honda Center. Shrimp fajita. I haven’t eaten a shrimp fajita since. Two hours later, I’m in the press box and I don’t feel right. Nothing to make me panic, but something is off. I begin to sweat. I sweat more. For anyone that’s ever been inside a hockey arena before it gets packed, it’s impossible to be anything but cold. My vision starts to blur. I’m sitting, so it’s not as though I’m going to collapse on the floor, but I really want to pass out.
Eventually, the sweating stops. The headache is lingering but during the game, my stomach starts to go. My body is essentially a failing series of systems and we’ve gone from brain to eyes to stomach. I distinctly remember wanting to talk to Niedermayer, but I was in no condition to do anything but sit and watch the game.
By the time the third period begins, I know that at any moment I could crap my pants. But I’m facing a predicament — my body is telling me that if I give into the urge to destroy the press box bathroom, and I’m pretty sure there was only one stall, I’m going to miss the last 15 minutes of the game. No question. Plus, I was going to do some serious fecal destruction in a tight restroom and could potentially kill a stranger. The sounds that would have emanated from that stall… security may have taped off the room.
I’m also a little afraid to not file my story at the buzzer. “Dave, we planned this trip months ago. Why didn’t you file after the game?” “Well, I ate a shrimp fajita that had alien eggs in it and before they could hatch inside me, I forced them out through my colon for 70 minutes toward the end of the game.”
I plow through. I’m sweating again in the locker room, but now it’s because I’m clenching everything. I’m looking around for an emergency toilet if it comes to that. There’s nothing. I’m terrified. I’m asking Patrik Elias about his game-winning goal as I roll my eyes back into my head to enter a trance-like state in an effort to reach perfect calmness, all so I wouldn’t shit on the floor in front of him.
https://youtu.be/NwcVJMvVWDA
I go back to the press box. I write the fastest story ever. I get to my rental car. I have to drive from Anaheim to Los Angeles to conduct some messy, painful business. I don’t remember why I didn’t just go in the arena after everyone left, but I assume it was because I knew no public toilet was strong enough to take what I was about to deal.
I made the 40-minute drive without breaking any traffic laws. Got to the hotel. The check-in process took about five minutes, but felt like an eon. I get upstairs. I get into my room. I whip my bag onto a bed. I run into the bathroom. I break sewage dumping laws in at least 48 states. It’s amazing. It was the relief I needed.
It was also relief I needed a few times over the rest of the night and early morning. I’m pretty sure I burned through a roll of toilet paper by 2 a.m. local time.
Bonus: I got zero sleep that night, as the couple in the room next me were having porno sex until the sun came up. I don’t know what he was doing, but she was having a fantastic time. Maybe they could hear me too and were poop fetishists.
I thought I was going to die about a half-dozen times that day and it wasn’t even from arena food.
2. An-gone Vermette
why did the Coyotes buy out Vermette?
— Graves (@WBGravey) August 1, 2016
Here is the reason Coyotes GM John Chayka gave: “In order to give our team more flexibility, we needed to make this difficult decision. This move will provide an opportunity for some of our young, talented players to step up. Antoine is a class act and we thank him for all he did on and off the ice for the Arizona Coyotes organization. We wish him the best in the future.”
Long answer short, it saves the Coyotes money, and the Coyotes are all about saving money and using dead dollars to get to the salary cap floor. Buying out Vermette saves the team a little more than a million dollars in cash and increases cap space this year, but gives them a dead $1.25 million in cap space next year. There’s no way that wasn’t attractive to them for 2017-18.
The rationale makes sense in a way, as the Coyotes have a bunch of young centers they want to get on the ice this season. But that’s been true all along. Coming to this decision on Aug. 1 when they could have done it during the first buyout window before free agency makes it seem like it’s more about trimming dollars. Vermette had 17 goals last season and would have had an easier time finding a new home a month ago, as most teams are pretty settled with their rosters. This isn’t a move that benefits him at all.
Between the retired-but-not-retired contracts of Pavel Datsyuk and Chris Pronger and the bought-out deals of Mike Ribeiro and Vermette, the Coyotes have $15 million in dead cap space that gets them above the floor.
Just sell the Coyotes to a new owner in Seattle already.
3. Road Trip
If you had to walk across the country with one animal, what would it be?
— Bort (@OlegKvasha) August 1, 2016
A horse. I could ride him and at journey’s end, I could eat him. Ride a horse, feed a cowboy. That’s what I always say.
4. Turn Around
Which teams will have the biggest gains and losses in the standings next season?
Person Who Tweeted A Question Then Deleted It, Forcing My Editor To Track Me Down To Find Out What The Question Was But I Was Sleeping In The Middle Of The Day Because Of A Cold But Now I’ve Added The Question
The biggest positive turnaround last year was Buffalo getting to 81 points after finishing with 54 the previous season. The biggest drop in points was Montreal going from 110 to 82, but that was almost entirely due to Carey Price playing just 12 games.
Big improvements are usually years in the making, as was the case with Buffalo, while collapses are usually about a big roster turnover or a massive injury. Most things are difficult to predict but trying to guess which superstar will suffer a catastrophic injury is impossible.
So here are two guesses for each category.
Biggest gainers: Calgary (77 points) and Tampa Bay (97)
The Flames have a new coach, a legitimate No. 1 goaltender in Brian Elliott and quality young players that are starting to come into their own. The Lightning are just a really good team that only had 97 points in a so-so regular season and could climb to 120 points with everyone back and healthy.
Biggest droppers: N.Y. Rangers (101) and St. Louis (107)
The Rangers were a possession disaster last year and after starting 16-3-2 went 30-24-7 the rest of the way, which is a 90-point pace that probably deserved to be worse. Much like the Habs, the Rangers rely greatly on Henrik Lundqvist, who turns 35 years old this year, so a dropoff or injury is possible. The Blues lost their captain and top goaltender in free agency, so it’s just a matter of how many points they shed.
5. Low Expectations
How many teams are there that could make the playoffs, get swept in 1st rnd, and you could call it a good season? Edm?
— uhh, little late now (@MooseMacD) August 1, 2016
Any team that finished in the bottom eight last year (TOR, EDM, VAN, CLB, CGY, WPG, BUF, ARZ) along with Colorado, New Jersey, Ottawa and Carolina.
6. Barrie, Barrie
thoughts on the Barrie contract?
— Holden McComb (@mccombholden) August 1, 2016
Great deal. I don’t know if it was all the talk about trading him from within the organization, but this seems like a ridiculous bargain for the Avalanche. Is there an internal salary cap dictated by Erik Johnson’s $6 million AAV that I don’t know about it? If Adam Larsson is worth Taylor Hall partly because he’s right-handed, shouldn’t Tyson Barrie be worth more than four years and $22 million?
Of course, this just makes Barrie a more attractive trade piece. Have faith that the Avs will screw this up somehow.
7. Below The (Sun) Belt
so Nashville-Tampa Bay cup final right?
— Eric (@GoodTimesEric) August 1, 2016
Absolutely.
8. That’s It
if you had to eat one nhl player who would you eat
— ♘ (@Gillzzzy36) August 1, 2016
The mailbag is now closed.
