You can live your life however you want, so long as you live by one simple rule. Don’t mess with Red Panda.
Rong Niu, otherwise known as Red Panda, is arguably the most iconic and beloved halftime performer in America. The fourth-generation acrobat from China has been seen in NBA, NHL, and college basketball arenas as well as on “America’s Got Talent,” just to name a few places. Wherever she’s performing, she’s universally beloved and is recognized as the GOAT, though whether that’s as a halftime performer or unicycling juggler it is unknown. Perhaps both?
So when news broke Wednesday that some monster stole her seven-foot unicycle at San Francisco International Airport, people got mad as hell. And honestly, for a performer who has entertained millions for years, that anger is with good reason.
“She’s heartbroken,” her agent, Pat Figley of San Francisco-based Farallon Entertainment, told KTVU on Wednesday. ”It’s like her baby was kidnapped. She’s had that unicycle for 30 years.”
She’s now back out on the road, but she’s on a backup unicycle. And it’s not the same.
“She’s doing horribly,” Figley said. “She’s dropping balls. She’s just not used to it. The one that was stolen was custom built for her.”
According to Figley, it’s possible that someone grabbed the unicycle by mistakes (as you do) but they’re offering a $2,000 reward for its safe return, no questions asked.
In the meantime, The Internet is ready to throw hands.
Is nothing sacred? Who would steal from Red Panda? Bring this scoundrel to justice. https://t.co/TKawduI6aP
— Scott Van Pelt (@notthefakeSVP) January 31, 2018
someone stole red panda's unicycle and we're all about to throw hands.
“She’s heartbroken. ”It’s like her baby was kidnapped. She’s had that unicycle for 30 years.” https://t.co/yCKMO6tTeQ
— Whitney Medworth (@its_whitney) January 31, 2018
I don't believe in karma or that some supernatural force balances the universe's books.
But if something miserable should befall the thief of the Red Panda's unicycle, that would be an appropriate cosmic correction. https://t.co/GL3kblPW7e
— Kevin Arnovitz (@kevinarnovitz) January 31, 2018
— Andrew Goldstein (@AndyGold24) January 31, 2018
Things I didn't expect to say today (or ever, really): "Can you help me track down some info on Red Panda's stolen unicycle?"
— Derek Medlin (@DerekMedlin) January 31, 2018
YOU HAVE UNTIL HALFTIME OF MARYLAND'S GAME AGAINST WISCONSIN TO GIVE IT BACK OR I'M CALLING LIAM NEESON AND HIS VERY PARTICULAR SET OF SKILLS https://t.co/l2Edgn9yqN
— Jared Goldstein (@_jgoldy17) January 31, 2018