Pop CultureBy Yaron Weitzman on

To quote the late, great Dennis Hooper, pop quiz, hot shot: What’s chock-full of nauseating clichés and moves as slow as a tortoise in quicksand? If you guessed the Bachelorette finale, then you win our grand prize.

It took two hours for JoJo to decide between Jordan and Robby — though it’s understandable that she was a bit a confused, considering that’s about the total amount time she spent with each of them before getting engaged — and an additional hour to address the wreckage with Chris Harrison during the annual After Show Special.

That said, the finale hit every note it was supposed to. Shirts were removed. Tears were shed. Advice was given. Emotions were discussed. Hearts were broken. Did I mention shirts were removed?

In the end, Jordan, who’s held down the No. 1 spot in these rankings all season, was anointed the winner. But does that mean he truly went home a champion? Let’s break it all down in our final Bachelorette Power Rankings of the season.

1. Robby: Allow me to explain. Yes, Jordan wound up being the one proposing to JoJo. Here’s my question, though: Are we sure that’s what he actually wanted? Dude spent the entire evening tanking like the 76ers and seemingly trying to convince JoJo to choose Robby. She just didn’t listen.

Sure, being rejected by JoJo clearly left Robby heartbroken.

But let’s assess his current situation: We know — I use that word liberally — from tabloid reports and The Chad’s post-Bachelorette media-and-exes-of-contestants-blitz, that Robby dumped his previous girlfriend so that he could be on TV. We also know that, well, JoJo kind of stinks. Fine, maybe that’s a bit strong. But can we all agree that her choosing Jordan, despite all the red flags (you know, like him turning tomato-red every time he was asked if he was serious about the relationship, while JoJo’s family made it ABUNDANTLY clear that Robby was their preference), shows that she was in this thing for fame, not love?

(SHOCKING, I know).

JoJo made a huge deal over Jordan not asking her dad for permission to propose. Robby did ask her dad and in the end, it didn’t matter.

JoJo made a huge deal over how much doubt Jordan seemed to be showing. Robby never showed any doubt and in the end, it didn’t matter.

This is why Robby ends the season with the No. 1 spot in this space: Instead of being stuck with Mrs. Red Carpet, Robbie now gets to put his newfound fame to good use. Also, I think he’s the frontrunner to be named the next Bachelor. That means he’ll have 20 gorgeous girls to choose from.

Not bad for a dude who a few months ago was nothing more than a former professional swimmer, though the timing could have been better.

2. JoJo: The lady of the hour(s) gets what she came here for: a dude looking for fame who will look good in a skin-tight suit on a red carpet.

JoJo put on a good facade for a bit. Jordan was her man since Day 1, and yet even during the finale, she was able to cue up the waterworks and complain about how difficult her decision was.

But c’mon, no one goes from depression to elation this quickly:

https://vine.co/v/5Adt75PQAeO

One minute, JoJo was crying about how hard it was breaking Robby’s heart. Literally seconds later, she had a smile on her face and was ready to confess her love to Jordan. You might have America fooled, JoJo, but not me.

One other note: JoJo might have set a record for most outfit changes in an episode. She went through three in the first 30 seconds of the show and about nine in total.

3. Chad’s Security Guard: Our favorite ‘roid rager was back in the live audience and this time made a desperate pitch — which, I’m sure, was not at all scripted by producers — to be named the next Bachelor.

Which is all fine and dandy, but check out the security guard stationed behind Chad as he makes this plea to Bachelor Nation. That dude is an American hero. If not for him, Chris Harrison’s life could be in danger.

4. Jordan: My theory is that Jordan never actually wanted to “win.” How else do you explain his putrid performance Monday night? Seriously, who brings their prospective in-laws a bag of strange hats?

This was not simply cold feet, this was a man trying to get out of something without coming off like an ass. I mean just listen to this nonsense:

You know how the majority of Bachelor/ette contestants sort of make being on the show their profession after it’s ended? I don’t think Jordan wants that. I think all he wanted was an opportunity to get on camera so that he could raise his public profile a bit and find himself a post-football career.

In that, he succeeded. Jordan already locked in a sports media gig for next season, and I’m sure there are plenty of more opportunities in the cards. And yet, despite not following JoJo’s order and asking her father for permission to marry her, and nearly puking every time he was forced to mutter “I love you,” Jordan was still forced to get down on one knee.

During the After Show, we learned that JoJo and Jordan have endured some rough patches, but plan on moving in together soon and then getting married. My take: They’ll announce a separation within six months. JoJo will then get some sort of Bachelor spinoff, while Jordan disappears from the tabloid pages.

5. Jordan’s Hair: You could make a strong argument that his hair deserves to be No. 1 here.

6. Aaron Rodgers: This was exactly what Aaron Rodgers didn’t want. Thanks to his fame-seeking brother, Aaron Rodgers’ personal life is now being dissected by tabloids more than ever. Chris Harrison spent the entire evening using the Rodgers family beef as a tease and in the end, all we got on the topic was some inane mumbo-jumbo from Jordan.

Not only that, but now Aaron’s rivals are getting involved, too:

And you wonder why the only comments he’s offered about Jordan over the past few months are the following zingers, via WISN 12 Sports:

“I haven’t seen the show, to be honest with you, so it hasn’t really affected me a whole lot. As far as those kinds of things go, I’ve always found that it’s a little inappropriate to talk publicly about some family matters, so I’m just — I’m not going to speak on those things, but I wish him well in the competition.”

Round 2 goes to Aaron.

7. JoJo’s Family: First, they spent all their time with the guys telling them about JoJo’s insecurities and issues in past relationships. Not exactly something you want your parents to be discussing with others. Then they tried to convince JoJo that Robby was the right choice, only to have her ignore them.

And you wonder why the mother seems to enjoy her wine.

8. Ben and Lauren: Zzzzzz.

Also, I’m shocked—shocked! — to learn that super-squeaky moral and clean Ben Higgins is no different than every other reality TV phony who’s sold their soul in exchange for dollars and fame?

9. Chad: After being the star of the show in last week’s Tell-All, Chad elected to stay off the Twitter machine and keep his mouth shut during the finale. That was a loss for all of us. Maybe Chris Harrison should feed him more meat next time.

27. JoJo’s Sister: The only reason I know she exists is because Jordan mentioned her. Seriously, where was she the whole time?

Lines of the Night

1. Here’s what Robby had to say when JoJo asked him how he envisions their future together:

For those not able to cue up the video, I’ll sum it up: He said he sees them eating meatloaf. No, really — meatloaf.

Maybe that’s why he got sent home.

2. “She is my best friend.” — Jordan, on JoJo.

Dude, you met her two months ago.

3. “I don’t like when guys get more attention that me.” — JoJo, on the root of her issues with boys in the past.

A better ending to our time with JoJo, one could not find. Also, that might explain all those low-cut dresses.

[Editor’s Note: We’ll be recapping Bachelor in Paradise, with the first one posted on Wednesday.]

About Yaron Weitzman

Yaron Weitzman is a freelance writer based in New York whose work frequently appears on The Comeback, SB Nation and in SLAM Magazine. He's also been published on SB Nation Longform, The Cauldron, Tablet Magazine and in the Journal News. Yaron can be followed on Twitter @YaronWeitzman

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