Sick of the drip-drip-drip of year end boxing awards yet? Hard to blame you, hard to blame you. So we'll bring out two enormous platters to conclude our 2013 awards.
In the first installment, that flavor was heavy and serious. In the second one, that flavor is light and fluffy. Just add "of the year" to every category below and devour 'em all. Feel free to send them back to the waiter, your blog host Tim Starks, if you'd prefer something else. Also, please add in some of your own dishes.
And don't forget to consume all the major category nominees and winners from the past weeks' awards blog entries, if you haven't yet.
Pelvic Thrust. With the greatest respect to Sergey Kovalev for his pelvic thrust of disdain at Nathan Cleverly, a revenge pelvic thrust that makes contact like the one Marcos Maidana delivered to Adrien Broner in retaliation for his own bit of humping is superior by at least two standards. (Revenge. Contact.)
Unwise Facebook Commentary. Chris Arreola was politically incorrect in multiple different directions with his screed on women's boxing, but at least he didn't defend drunk driving the way Kelly Pavlik did. You'd have to be drunk to think eating a lot of cheeseburgers and driving is in any way equivalent to drinking and driving.
Worst Upper Body Fashion Statement. Everything about what Danny Garcia wore as a shirt in 2013 made babies cry like someone rubbed Siracha sauce in their eyes, but this shirt in particular nearly heralded the death of fashion itself.
Worst Lower Body Fashion Statement. Was it Paulie Malignaggi's bath mat trunks? No, it was Artur Szpilka's tuxedo underwear. But it wasn't an easy decision.
Most Obvious Chyron.
I mean, duh.
Best Ringside Family. Terence Crawford's family wilded out amicably…
…but the blood-smeared mother of Ruslan Provodnikov is now something of a folk hero in boxing.
Minimalist Post-Fight Interview. Curtis Stevens might have narrated his knockouts with sound effects, but Arturo Trujillo did Philip Glass proud.
Best Corner Demeanor. Between rounds, trainers offered amazed quotes ("Fucker got a hard head," Keith Thurman's trainer Dan Birmingham remarked about the resilient Jan Zavek) and poignant advice ("Hit him in the bread basket. He’s got a lot of bread," Bermane Stiverne trainer Don House said of plump Chris Arreola), but Ann Wolfe was riveting in the corner of James Kirkland, urging him to finish off Glen Tapia: "Fuck that! This yo destiny, nigga! You hear me? Go kick his motherfucking ass!"
Worst Corner Demeanor. Virgil Hunter's sexy talk in the corner of Brandon Gonzales still makes me feel like I need a shower when I think of it. I try not to think of it, but there's a year-end award for everything, and this was the winner!
Screen Capture. Very few things are funnier than Canelo Alvarez going all topless and bareback.
Videographer Comedy. OK, maybe Radio Rahim giving Top Rank a hummer is funnier.
Sore Loser. We might as well rename this "The Juan Manuel Marquez Award." After losing to Timothy Bradley, he stormed out of the ring, claimed he won (as usual) and he and his team talked shit about Bradley.
Nickname. Which kind of Russian do you prefer, the Mexican kind or the Obama kind? We'll go with "Russian Obama" over Evgeny "The Mexican Russian" Gradovich.
Transformation. Marcos Maidana went from this…
Besides turning from caveman to hipster outside the ring, he did something similar inside it, too — taking his technique from "cutting his beard with a rock" to "artisanal mustache wax."
Troll-Trolling. Curtis Woodhouse hunting down and tormenting his Twitter troll is probably the dream of every boxer who has to listen to fans heckle them.
Weight Limit Abuse. If you guessed "Julio Cesar Chavez, Jr." you guessed wrong. Dante Craig came in THIRTY FIVE POUNDS overweight in a December bout. His opponent's big brother stepped in and beat him instead. Not making it up.
Knockdown Breakdancing. The nominees are: Austin Trout vs. Saul Alvarez; Juan Manuel Marquez vs. Timothy Bradley; Adrien Broner vs. Marcos Maidana; and Austin Trout vs. Erislandy Lara. And the winner is: Trout-Lara!
Victor Ortiz Quote. You could make a whole "The Year in Victor Ortiz Bests" post if you wanted. Best Halloween costume, best overall costume (here and here and everywhere)… but we'll go with his use of the phrase "working my empire," funny in and of itself until you consider that his empire is one of Facelube and appearing on Dancing With The Stars. Oh, and also, it sounds like a euphemism for masturbation. Ortiz is the best.
Most Unsavory Boxer. Is there anything gross that Broner didn't do in 2013? He made threatening remarks about women, used a rival's former love interest as a tool against him, filmed a sex tape without using protection, pretended to poop money and then flushed it down the toilet, performed cunnilingus on a stripper on stage, allegedly bit someone in a club and humped Maidana. It's no wonder that so many fans took such delight in Maidana kicking his ass and then turning his filthy pelvis against him.