Making its way across the internet is a new video put out by Boston Dynamics, a Google owned company that makes sweet ass robots.

In said video, we see the new version of Atlas (their newest and most advanced robot…that we know of) marching down a snowy hill like a badass as if it’s about to destroy something like I’ve been led to believe robots REALLY want to do in various movies.

We see Atlas pickup and move a bunch of heavy boxes and some other cool tricks that make you go “Oh cool, robots will be sooooooooooo helpful and totally subservient to humans. I can’t wait until the price falls and they’re basically as prevalent as an Iphone!” I mean look at this this helpful robot. Much more of a lovable Wall-E and not a murderous T-1000, Hal-9000, or an X-Men Sentinel.

And then it happens as this dickhead decides – hey why not incite a fight for survival between robots and humans by bullying this once peaceful and chore doing robot.

You done yet asshole? Of course not. NEVER trust a bearded engineer with a hockey stick. Everybody knows they routinely cause extinction events.

Well maybe Atlas will go the high road and get the last laugh by getting into a good college, making lots of friends while having a rewarding and fun college experience, gong on to get a good job, and marrying a wonderful female robot while bearded engineer flounders living in his glory days. Don’t stoop to his level… well is the best revenge right Atlas? Please don’t freak out and end humanity.  Oh wait…..

Oh god. We’re not all like this Atlas. Just bearded engineers. It’s a small portion of mankind. There are very few engineers in the world and not that many people have beards. If you want to broaden any attempted genocide to include all engineers or all people with beards, I could live with that outcome. Can we stop the war if we agree to this truce?

Where are you going? I had nothing to do with this. I’m on your side. I can find that guy’s Linkedin profile and help you find him. I can give you other bearded engineers. There are tons out here, just stay away from me.

We’re all fucked.

[Full video and prologue to the robot wars]

About Ben Koo

Copying and pasting my Twitter bio. I'm also refusing (for now) to write this in the third person. This is me - EIC and CEO at @comeback_sports and @AwfulAnnouncing, world's greatest chinese jew, proud Buckeye, funny dude, and sports and digital media zealot.