Ranking the fake films of ‘Seinfeld’

It’s happened to all of us: You’re watching an episode of Seinfeld where they mention going to see a movie and you think to yourself, “Man, that sounds like something I’d actually want to see.” The fake movies in Seinfeld usually sound better than what’s actually playing in real theaters.

But how would you rank those Seinfeld movies if you were going by which ones you really wanted to see?

I decided to take a stab at making such a list. You may disagree — maybe you’re a big Sally Field fan, I don’t know — but this is my list of fake Seinfeld movies in order of how badly I want to see them. In the theater, I should add —no bootleg copies.

Death Blow
I’d line up to buy tickets to the midnight showing of this movie. First, there’s the tag line: “When someone tries to blow you up, not because of who you are, but for different reasons altogether.” Then there’s the title, which is about as bad ass as you can get. I’d want to see this way more than The Expendables, for instance. And why does Kramer think the Hawaiian guy deserved the final death blow? I really want to know.

Another one I’d line up to see, considering it’s Harrison Ford apparently saving the world. There’s talk of Ford shooting his gun back up at the bad guys as he’s falling out of a plane. There’s an underwater escape. There’s a helicopter landing on top of a car. What else do you need? This has box office gold written all over it.

Mountain High
A powerhouse cast led by Susan Sarandon and Kevin Bacon makes this R-rated movie one to definitely call in to 555-FILK to see when it’s playing. Why do they need to get over that mountain? Why are there explosions? Plus, the tag line: “There’s no higher place than… Mountain High.” Sounds ominous. And I’m guessing Bacon is some kind of psychopath in it, so sign me up.

Sack Lunch
I have the same questions Elaine does about this movie: How did that family end up in the sack? Were they shrunk down, or is it a giant sack? It looks like this would be a delightful family comedy with a number of surprises in store for the audience. And it stars the incomparable Dabney Coleman, which can only bring good things. I’d no doubt rather see this movie than The English Patient.

The Other Side of Darkness
This may be a direct-to-video release, but it sounds like the performance of Eric Roberts as the husband is worth the two-plus hours running time. Kramer describes Roberts as “unforgettable” in this drama about a woman who slips into a coma and eventually wakes up. What happens in between is anyone’s guess, but I would sure like to find out.

The President’s daughter is trapped when an explosion destroys the Channel Tunnel between England and France. That sounds like an action-packed movie to me. And what was the President’s daughter doing in the Chunnel in the first place? Was it a coordinated attack or a natural disaster? How will they ever get her and everyone else trapped in there out of the Chunnel? Plus it’s fun to say “Chunnel.”

Cry, Cry Again
Sometimes you need an arty movie to class things up a little bit. I’d be intrigued to see the scene where the man tries to buy back his soul in the form of a loaf of bread, for sure. Plus the movie is set in Paris, so of course it’s going to be highbrow. I’d prefer to see a copy of the movie with the actual ending, rather than the infamous lone dancer ending.


Rochelle, Rochelle
A young girl’s strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk. The Village Voice called it a masterpiece, though it seems to be the most polarizing movie on this list. The plot is said to be unbearable, but men will sit through it anyway because of the copious amounts of nudity. But it made such a mark on pop culture that it was turned into a musical starring Bette Midler. I feel like you’d almost have to see this movie. It’s like Showgirls.

This seems to be a movie about chess, and a plot to kill a king. Maybe it’s set in medieval times, maybe it’s a present-day king. All that’s known is that a character asks a king why he enjoys playing chess, since the king is always in jeopardy. When the king answers it’s only a game, the other character replies, “Yes of course… only a game.” Intrigue! This one seems like a winner.

Cold Fusion
Not much is known about this movie, but it sure does have an amazing title. Maybe it’s an action movie set in a science lab. Whatever it is, I’d want to see it.

Means to an End
Another movie from the show where we don’t know anything about the plot, but we know the movie was sold out before Jerry’s gorgeous girlfriend got them tickets. There has to be some buzz around a movie if it sells out opening night, right?


Ponce De Leon
I’d want to see this just to settle the argument between George and Elaine on whether or not it’s a good movie. Elaine thought it was horrible, while George was almost moved to tears in a scene where Ponce realizes the Fountain of Youth didn’t work. It’s probably a big, epic historical film with a huge budget and Oscar aspirations. Something tells me I’d side with Elaine.

It’s the story of the Hindenburg, so the special effects are likely off the charts. Also I’d want to yell, “That’s gotta hurt!” when the blimp explodes to see if I get a laugh. I’d bring a laser pointer just in case.

Cupid’s Rifle
Kramer mentions this one in passing when he’s pretending to be the Moviefone guy, and boy, does that title grab your attention. Why does Cupid have a rifle? I’d like to know. There’s some debate as to whether Kramer actually says “rifle” or “rival,” but it sounds like rival to me and that’s a better title, anyway.

Agent Zero
Another one Kramer mentions in passing, and another one with an intriguing title. It’s probably a spy movie, if I had to guess. Maybe wait until this one is on Netflix.

Flaming Globes of Sigmund
Jerry wakes up in the middle of this movie and is inspired to write a joke about it, even though he can’t make out what he wrote later. The movie looks like one of those campy 1950s-style sci-fi films that can be a lot of fun to watch when there’s nothing else on TV.

Chow Fun
Is it a movie about cooking? Is the title a pun? Whatever it is, it’s probably not a movie I’d need to see in the theaters, if at all. Even Elaine doesn’t seem all that interested in it when she tries to call Moviefone to see when it’s playing.

Brown-Eyed Girl
From the title alone, this seems like a classic Rom-Com that probably stars someone like Meg Ryan in her prime. Probably not enough to justify the cost of a ticket. Instead, I’d wait until TBS showed it every other week.

Blame It on the Rain
This is the movie everyone who can’t get a ticket to see Means to an End goes to see, which means it’s everyone’s second choice, which means it’s probably not so good. And really, it’s named after a Milli Vanilli song. How good can it be?

The Pain and the Yearning
Plot summary: An old woman experiences pain and yearning. It’s 192 minutes long, and in the words of Kramer, “That’s a lot of yearning.” I’d probably skip this one altogether and go with one of Gene’s picks instead, just like Elaine decided to do.

Prognosis Negative
This one had huge buzz but was ultimately terrible. Jerry, George, and Elaine all hated it, even though each one couldn’t wait to see it. I’d probably want to at least check it out to see if it was as bad as everyone said.

The Muted Heart
Starring Glenn Close and Sally Field. George is dragged to this movie by Susan instead of seeing Firestorm, and his reaction when the movie ends says it all. Is there any surprise this is on the bottom of the list?

About Dave Tobener

Dave Tobener has been writing about baseball for the better part of a decade. He's been to more Giants games than he can remember and was there when Ruben Rivera forgot how to run the bases. Follow him on Twitter: @gggiants