Why I will not read or watch ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’

Writing is hard. Wait, I’m sorry. Writing WELL is hard. I hope to do it one day.

But I know what I like, and I know what I don’t, and when Twilight first came out, I immediately filed that under “Just Say No” and moved on with my life. Rumor had it that it was a poorly written series about vampires, and while I may date them occasionally (the last guy quite literally sucked the LIFE out of me), I don’t want to read about them. In fact, outside of vampires, I’m not sure what Twilight is even about. Something having to do with a werewolf? No, thank you.

ANYWAY — if I refused to read Twilight, you can imagine how I felt about the Twilight fan fic-inspired steaming pile of shit, Fifty Shades of Grey. You would think that since I haven’t read a single word of these combined SEVEN books that I would leap off my high horse and not be so judgmental, but you have obviously never met me because NO. I judge and I judge HARD.

Fifty Shades of Grey, the movie, is coming out on Friday. Just in time for Valentine’s Day. Because nothing says I love you like making someone sign an NDA in order to sleep with you!

Ever since someone told me about the plot of these books (pause for reaction)…

… and what they were based off and how they were written, I was steadfast in my refusal to read them. No redeeming writing quality or plot line? Not worth my time. Some people have even tried to sell me on how hot the sex was in these books, but based on past and recent findings, it appears that is a big huge joke.

Since I haven’t read this series of books that makes Danielle Steele look like Charles Dickens, I went to the Wikipedia pages for a plot refresher. In the first book, apparently there is something about the main lady not only signing an NDA to be with her man, but also a BDSM agreement in which their relationship will be purely sexual and where the main lady character, Ana, is not allowed to touch or make eye contact with the dude she is fucking.

I’m sorry — what? How is this nonsense considered Mommy Porn? How did this outsell Harry Potter on Amazon UK? I literally do not understand how something so poorly written that has a plot less believable than the movie Armageddon has made E.L. James a cajillionaire. Furthermore, her “plot” is nothing more than an attempt to try to make this classy Sexual Twister.

Am I being a green-eyed monster about this? Probably. In 2009, I declared I was going to start writing my dating memoir entitled A Series of Very Bad Decisions and today in 2015, it is approximately 50 words of garbage. So, yes I’m jealous some random bitch can write a tale of an unrealistic sexual decathlon that somehow ends up with a happy ending which would be impossible in real life when I have a real-life story to tell but can’t.

Furthermore, there is more than just the books and movie — there’s like sexual accessories that Target is selling. No joke!

About Reva Friedel

Reva is a staff writer for Awful Announcing and the AP Party. She lives in Orange County and roots for zero California teams.