MLB New Year’s Resolutions

Right now, we’re in that lovely week right in between Christmas and New Year’s. You know, the week where we all unwind for a couple of days following some holiday stress and wonder just where the hell we’ll be going on New Year’s Eve. Well, there’s one other thing that comes with the dawning of a new year: the resolutions that go with it. I’m sure we’ve all made (and heard) the usual batch of them….lose weight, quit smoking, etc. I started to wonder about resolutions MLB teams could made, so here’s the article. I’ve chosen one person representing a team (be it a player, executive, announcer, or whoever), and come up with a resolution they should make for 2012.

Arizona Diamondbacks: “I resolve not to use Gerardo Parra as strictly a defensive replacement” – manager Kirk Gibson
Atlanta Braves:
“I resolve to not be the new age Dusty Baker, and to preserve my young bullpen arms” – manager Fredi GonzalezI
Baltimore Orioles:
“I resolve to stop my three year trend of being mediocre” – right fielder Nick Markakis
Boston Red Sox:
“I resolve to cut off the supply of beer and fried chicken in the clubhouse” – new manager Bobby Valentine
Chicago Cubs: “I resolve to break the curse….at least within the next 30 years” – new General Manager Theo Epstein
Chicago White Sox: “I resolve to use Twitter responsibly, and not act insane like my predecessor” – new manager Robin Ventura
Cincinnati Reds: “I resolve to continue being awesome, and continue to not be talked about as an elite player” – first baseman Joey Votto
Cleveland Indians: “I resolve to renew my deal with the devil for 2012 after forgetting to send in my payment in 2011” – starting pitcher Ubaldo Jimenez
Colorado Rockies: “I resolve to overpay for at least one piece I don’t need in July” – General Manager Dan O’Dowd
Detroit Tigers: “I resolve to gracefully come back to Earth in 2012, and use a parachute” – reigning AL Cy Young & MVP Justin Verlander
Houston Astros: “”I resolve to make chicken salad out of what was left of this franchise when I took over” – new General Manager Jeff Luhnow
Kansas City Royals: “I resolve to only sign three former Braves for the rest of the year” – General Manager Dayton Moore
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim: “I resolve to bring a title to Anaheim in the next three years, and if I don’t, I resolve to be the best damn landscaper I can be” – new General Manager Jerry DiPoto
Los Angeles Dodgers: “I resolve to surround Matt Kemp and Clayton Kershaw with the absolute worst team possible” – General Manager Ned Coletti 
Miami Marlins: “I resolve not to blow this team up by 2014” – owner Jeffrey Loria
Milwaukee Brewers:
“I resolve to be the hero for all herpes positive Jewish kids out there” – reigning NL MVP Ryan braun
Minnesota Twins:
“I resolve to borrow Justin Morneau’s bubble more during the season” – catcher Joe Mauer
New York Mets: “I resolve to re-discover my abilities as a superstar so Mike Francesca will just get off my back” – third baseman David Wright
New York Yankees: “I resolve to eat only two sandwiches in the post-game spread” – starting pitcher CC Sabathia
Oakland Athletics: “I resolve to have 15 top 100 prospects in my organization at once” – General Manager Billy Beane
Philadelphia Phillies: “I resolve to trade for another ace pitcher, because three of the top five in the National League just isn’t enough” – General Manager Ruben Amaro, Jr
Pittsburgh Pirates: “I resolve to make the best of my time in Pittsburgh and not catch myself daydreaming about Citi Field” – center fielder Andrew McCutchen
St Louis Cardinals: “I resolve to make people forget about Albert Pujols” – Allen Craig’s pet tortoise 
San Diego Padres: “I resolve to have an entire starting lineup of players who can play first base” – new General Manager Josh Byrnes
San Francisco Giants: “I resolve not to overpay for more than one washed up veteran when the season gets kicked off and our offense is awful” – General Manager Brian Sabean
Seattle Mariners: “I resolve to not jump off the Space Needle when I’m 4-13 with a 2.10 ERA in late July” – starting pitcher Felix Hernandez
Tampa Bay Rays: “I resolve to continue to lock up my awesome young players to insanely friendly contracts, and to look like a genius by doing it” – General Manager Andrew Friedman
Texas Rangers: “I resolve to continue to make the Rangers the talk of Dallas, and to stop being second fiddle to the Cowboys and Mavericks” – Team President Nolan Ryan
Toronto Blue Jays: “I resolve to crack the top half of the AL East standings this year, come hell or high water” – manager John Farrell 
Washington Nationals: “I resolve to make fans forget my General Manager’s ridiculous Jayson Werth signing last winter, by carrying this team on my back to relevancy” – third baseman Ryan Zimmerman

About Joe Lucia

I hate your favorite team. I also sort of hate most of my favorite teams.