Re-Casting Baseball Wives to Make it Actually Watchable

Anna BensonIf you didn’t catch the series premier of Baseball Wives last night, consider yourself blessed.  Me, I wasn’t so lucky as I was tasked by our crack editorial staff with watching the show and reviewing it.  Here is my basic take:

I watched the first 30 minutes of the show and then got up from my chair punched myself in the groin and writhed on the floor in agony for 30 minutes.  That second 30 minutes was waaaaay more enjoyable.  So, if you DVR’d the show and were going to watch it later, you can go ahead and delete it, or slug yourself in the junk.  Your choice.

To be fair, I don’t care much for trash TV to begin with, but even by garbage reality drama, this show was pretty horrible.  You’d think a show about wives of famous athletes would feature women that were attractive and/or interesting.  You would think wrong.

Anna Benson was the big draw for the show, but she is not even close to being hot anymore and her uber-raspy voice makes it sound like she talks through a tracheotomy hole in her neck.  In fact, she bares less of a resemblance to that lovely photo to the right and more of a resemblance to the Crypt Keeper now.  The only remotely attractive woman is Ron Villone’s wife, which is just confusing because it is hard to believe a tubby southpaw swingman can pull that kind of wool.  Everyone else is either busted and/or an emotional trainwreck, especially the troll that is Nyjer Morgan’s ex-girlfriend (because the term “Wives” is loosely interpreted by this show as any girl that maybe once got dry humped by a MLBer in a poorly lit nightclub).

Not even fans of unintentional comedy can handle this show, though they tried real hard with Anna Benson daring to say that they are “classy” compared to basketball wives and then going out shopping with Jason Kendall’s sickly thin, overly-tattoed former drug addict ex-wife for a fur that MUST have a head attached to it.

I guess what I am getting at here is that this show needs to be re-cast in a hurry.  As always, we are here to help (that is my polite way of saying that pictures of smoking hot scantily clad women are about to appear right after the jump).

If Baseball Wives wanted to be add some real eye-candy and be current, they could bring in new Cub David DeJesus’ wife, Kim.

Kim DeJesus

Unfortunately, Kim is too smart and savvy for it, or so says her Twitter feed.

Kimberly DeJesus warning: anyone who watches baseball wives tonight…it is NOT really the way baseball wives r. I don’t even need to watch it to know this.

Too bad, she had some real “talent.”  Speaking of which, since we all know this reality crap is actually scripted anyway, why not get a real actress?  Take Nick Swisher’s wife and sitcom veteran, Joanna Garcia Swisher.

Joanna Garcia Swisher

Very cute.  Very cute indeed.  But she seems a bit too innocent.  This is trash TV, we need to spice it up a bit.  Fortunately, Russell Martin’s girlfriend, Marikym Hervieux is available.

Marikym Hariveaux

Now I might consider watching this show.  Plus, Marikym and Martin have kids together, so there is sure to be some baby mama drama, a staple for reality TV.  We are definitely on the right track now.  But we still need to up the ante on the T&A for this show to really sell.  How about some Playboy bunnies?

First, we have Lisa Dergan, a former playmate and current wife of Scott Podsednik.

Lisa Dergan

Apparently not all hot chicks dig the longball.  And then there is Heidi Hamels, a former Survivor contestant that once made her way into Playboy.

Heidi Hamels

That’s one hot Heidi, but not even the hottest one.  She may never have been in Playboy (as far as I know), but Heidi DeRosa definitely knows how to bring on the sexy.

Heidi DeRosa

Not too shabby, plus it gives us shakes up the mix a bit.  You know what else we need?  A MILF.  That just so happens to be the reason that Jamie Kotsay exists on this earth.

Jamie Kotsay

And we have a winner.  I dare say, this show is almost watchable now.  Almost.  What it is still lacking is a big star.  If only there was a baseball player that dated a bunch of hot celebrity women.  Oh, right.  I almost forgot about Derek Jeter’s treasure trove of ex-girlfriends.  Gentlemen, start your boners.

Minka Kelly

Jessica Biel

Jessica Alba

Vanessa Minnillo

Jordana Brewster

Even if we can only land two or three of these lovely ladies, I fail to see how this show can be anything other than the greatest television show in the history of the world.  Yet, something still seems to be missing.  Of course!  We stockpiled all the hotness but forgot about the crazy.  Anna Benson is doing her best, but we need to take it to the maximum here and Benson has nothing on the original insane baseball wife, Tawny Kitaen.  The former video vixen and ex-wife of Chuck Finley sets the bar ridiculously high by actually beating her husband.  And this is a chick that used to date O.J. Simpson and survived, so you know she wasn’t messing around.

Tawny Kitaen

Ha!  Thought I was going with a pic from her Whitesnake video heyday, didn’t you?  Consider your boner killed, mugshot-style.  Clearly Tawny isn’t holding up too well, but with her crazy ass as the matriarch of this show, it is now officially the greatest reality TV program ever. 

You’re welcome, America.

About Garrett Wilson

Garrett Wilson is the founder and Supreme Overlord of and editor at The Outside Corner. He's an Ivy League graduate, but not from one of the impressive ones. You shouldn't make him angry. You wouldn't like him when he is angry.