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Jose Canseco: “I am going to play this year”

It started with a simple line, “I am going to play this year.” That Twitter post came at about 7:45 PM this past Sunday night, but apparently Jose Canseco’s night was just getting started. About 15 minutes later, Canseco, undoubtedly reacting to news that the A’s had interest in grizzled veteran Manny Ramirez, sent out a plea to Oakland’s GM, Blliy Beane.

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Now, that might seem like a desperate move to some of you, but apparently that wasn’t desperate enough for Mr. Canseco. Nope, he decided to take it one step further and post his email address on a social network in which he has almost 400,000 followers.

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At that point — ignoring the fact that he refused to capitalize Billy Beane’s last name — biceps and pectorals swollen and greased up like Rocky Balboa, Canseco apparently took to the batting cage and started hacking away into the night.

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We tried to ask Andy about Jose, but immediately realized that we didn’t know who Andy was, nor were we provided with any of his proper contact information. Since contacting Andy was not an option, we just assumed that Jose was crushing some plush BP in nothing but jeans and left it at that. Later on, after Canseco had finished splitting a few baseballs in half with his mighty cuts and had a little time to calm himself down, he realized that it wasn’t the A’s he wanted to play for. Nope, it was time to look toward bigger and better things. It was time to try and win that World Series ring. It was time to ask the Boston Red Sox for a job!!! (ask them for a job via Twitter, that is)

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Canseco, fresh off of a viewing of the movie “Moneyball” (and probably a syringe full of absinthe) had made the natural progression of the movie itself. Let’s set the scene of what was being enacted in Canseco’s head at this moment…

INT. Luxury Box, Fenway Park on a rainy January afternoon.

Jose

Just give me a chance Jim. I mean, I’m in much better shape than that Bill Jameson fella and you hired him. That’s from the movie money ball. Have you seen these biceps?

Jim Hendry

Of course I see them. You’re wearing a sleeveless polo.

Jose sips from his minuscule cup of espresso.

Jose

All I’m asking for is a chance.

Jim Hendry

Well Jose, I do have something for you.

Jim Hendry reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a tiny piece of paper, folded in half for dramatic effect. He slides the note over to Jose’s side of the table, slaps him across the face and leaves abruptly. Jose unfolds the paper to find a picture of this. He’s doesn’t understand what just happened.

End scene.

That scene may have marked the end of Canseco’s Sunday night, but he surely woke up Monday morning undeterred from his desire to take batting practice in jeans on a big league field once again. Apparently, his day dream of sipping from a tiny espresso cup in Fenway park had only fueled his fire.

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While this tweet makes Jose seem like an impressive hitter, it also makes him out to be a pretty bad researcher. A few clicks over at Baseball-Reference.com and we see that Canseco was actually a .312/.398/.598 hitter with 13 AB/HR at Fenway. Still impressive, but Canseco is clearly unyielding to the fact that he’s 47 freaking years old.

The tweet of the night, however, came just moments later when Jose made a mistake; a mistake that I’m sure we’ve all made at one point or another — we are only human, after all — when he decided that he would throw all of his chips on the table and compare himself to murderers and child molesters.

I really don’t know that there is a nice way to comment on that statement. However, there is a way to illustrate what he meant by that statement, as brilliantly done by the artist behind the Twitter account @Frediot, who posted this gem.

As most of us wake up early tomorrow morning, put on our work clothes, kiss our loved ones goodbye and head off to our daily grind just so we can make ends meet, we’ll be thinking of you Jose, hoping that life treats you better and that you get that tryout with a major league baseball team that you so desperately want and believe that you are entitled to. In the meantime, keep ripping away at scuffed baseballs in that batting cage in Nevada and we’ll keep going on with our lives, as unfair as they may seem.

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