Ah, the new year. A time for making resolutions to make yourself a better person, live a healthier life, and to be happier. And to completely forget about and ignore those resolutions a few weeks later. It’s a tradition unlike any other.
What if every team in baseball made a new year’s resolution at the start of 2016? What might that list look like? We took a stab at it:
Arizona Diamondbacks: To wear a different hat/uniform combination every game until they run out of choices, which should be right around the middle of 2017.
Atlanta Braves: To not ask for another new ballpark for at least five years.
Baltimore Orioles: To change their logo from the smiling Oriole bird to the crying Jordan meme just for kicks.
Boston Red Sox: To copy and paste all the old “we’re happy with Pablo Sandoval’s fitness” statements from the Giants onto paper with their own letterhead.
Chicago Cubs: To not trust anyone over 30.
Chicago White Sox: To change their marketing slogan to “the only Chicago baseball team to make a World Series since the end of World War 2.”
Cincinnati Reds: To be really mean to Brandon Phillips in hopes that he finally accepts a trade before April.
Cleveland Indians: To remind Cleveland fans that they could have it a lot worse by showing them Browns games.
Colorado Rockies: To finally get Dinger a pair of pants.
Detroit Tigers: To get the person who has to sew Verlander, Zimmerman, and Saltalamacchia onto the backs of their jerseys a really nice Christmas gift next year.
Houston Astros: To get back to the playoffs so we can all watch Colby Rasmus party again.
Kansas City Royals: To figure out an excuse their fans will buy if the world champs let a productive fan favorite walk in free agency.
Los Angeles Angels: To build Mike Scioscia a replica of the Iron Throne to sit on during front office meetings.
Los Angeles Dodgers: To end their blatant bias against right handed pitchers and maybe start one or two this year.
Miami Marlins: To get Barry Bonds and Marlins Man their own reality show where they travel the country together attending various sporting events.
Milwaukee Brewers: To finally get Craig Counsell a passable fake ID.
Minnesota Twins: To add “TC stands for Twin Cities” in small print under the logos on their caps so people will stop asking.
New York Mets: To figure out what to do with all of those extra Cespedes shirts they have sitting around.
New York Yankees: To keep collecting power-armed relievers to the point where they don’t have to use any starting pitchers.
Oakland A’s: To get every player on the roster a pair of boots for the inevitable sewage flood that will hit the clubhouse.
Philadelphia Phillies: To hope the Eagles continue to be a train wreck so people don’t pay any attention to them while they’re rebuilding.
Pittsburgh Pirates: To play Michael Morse more often so fans can sing along to “Take on Me” when he comes up to bat.
St. Louis Cardinals: To figure out more passive-aggressive ways to tell Jason Heyward they’re mad at him for leaving.
San Diego Padres: To continue to trot out the most boring uniforms in baseball while teasing their fans with flashes of their old brown color scheme.
San Francisco Giants: Nothing (it’s already going to be an even year).
Seattle Mariners: To hit the gym, lose weight, and quit smoking.
Tampa Bay Rays: To change their name back to the Devil Rays because it’s way, way cooler.
Texas Rangers: To order high-end hair products in bulk in case the Texas heat messes with Cole Hamels’ locks.
Toronto Blue Jays: To hit lots and lots of homers and flip lots and lots of bats.
Washington Nationals: To try and convince other teams that Jonathan Papelbon is actually a super nice guy.