Two weeks ago, NBA commissioner Adam Silver announced that the league will allow sponsorship logos to appear on jerseys beginning in 2017. The decision is groundbreaking.
The NBA will be the first major professional sports league in the U.S. to have sponsorship logos on team uniforms. (That is, assuming you discount the Nike swoosh and Adidas stripes.) But it was also inevitable. Jersey sponsorship is a major revenue stream and professional sports leagues aren’t exactly in the business of turning down hundred-million-dollar opportunities.
The question now is: Which team will be the first to bite? Right now, it’s hard to say. But there are some companies and teams which form matches too good to pass up. Below are the ideal jersey sponsors for each NBA team.
Eastern Conference
Cleveland Cavaliers: LeBron
This could be LeBron’s face, or perhaps his Nike logo. Or maybe the Cavs should just change their names to the Cleveland LeBrons altogether. The dude’s already running the place and he’s essentially a corporation. At this point, the Cavaliers might as well own it and hand over all naming rights to him, too.
Toronto Raptors: Tim Hortons
The easy answer would be to throw Drake’s OVO on their jerseys. The problem with that route is that Drake, the frontrunner of all frontrunners, will probably jump ship the moment the Raptors begin to falter. The same cannot be said for Tim Hortons, which is always there, no matter what hour of what day, with its crappy coffee and three-day-old donuts.
Miami Heat: Carnival Cruise Line
So many options here, from human growth hormone clinics to plastic surgery depots. But nothing better symbolizes Miami and the Heat than the (literal) shit-show of a party cruise line started by Ted Arison, the father of Heat owner Micky Arison, a man who spent the final years of his life in Israel so to avoid the estate tax.
Atlanta Hawks: Rémy Martin Cognac
The Hawks got into trouble last year when it became unearthed that previous team owner Bruce Levenson was worried about how “black” the atmosphere at the arena was getting. Levenson sold the team and the Hawks have tried rebranding themselves over the past year-plus. But a partnership with Rémy Martin, which Atlanta native T.I acts as a global creative consultant for, could certainly aid in that process.
Boston Celtics: Mark Wahlberg
He’s already the city’s mascot. Why not put him on the team jerseys, too?
Charlotte Hornets: Mr. John Porta Potty Rentals
For the person so afraid of sharing a bathroom with transgenders that he or she feels the need to carry his or her own bathroom wherever they go.
Indiana Pacers: Entertainment 720
More Tommy Haverford and Jean Ralphio is our lives is a good thing. And perhaps this deal could help boost the local Indiana economy.
Detroit Pistons: Norelco
Ideally, they’d just slap a sketch of Stan Van Gundy’s mustache on there. But if we’re talking about getting some company to pony up millions of dollars, then the Pistons should go with the next best thing and make Norelco their official sponsor. Remember, Stan is the head coach and also team president, meaning he’s not in danger of being canned anytime soon. Think of all the possibilities here: Van Gundy could bring a mustache trimmer out with him to every press conference. Capitalism, baby!
Chicago Bulls: Dick’s Sporting Goods
All those knee and ankle braces for Derrick Rose aren’t cheap.
http://gty.im/501657394
Washington Wizards: Trump
He might be headed for Washington and clearly has a thing for walls. (Get it?)
Milwaukee Bucks: Goldman Sachs
They’re run by two hedge fund guys and already extorted the city of Milwaukee out of hundreds of millions of dollars in order to get a publicly financed stadium. Need more be said?
http://gty.im/457493478
New York Knicks: Delta Airlines.
Ever notice the shape of the Delta logo?
Orlando Magic: The Spaceship Earth Ride at Epcot
The part of Disney World kids like to skip over. Yep, sounds about right.
Brooklyn Nets: Mother Russia
This would certainly make the Nets more imposing.
Philadelphia 76ers: T-Mobile
Outdated, ineffective and despised by all who have ever tried to do business with them.
Western Conference
http://gty.im/151845838
Golden State Warriors: Google
Owner Joe Lacob has already made it clear that he fancies himself the NBA equivalent of the Silicon Valley giant. Why not just go all out with it?
San Antonio Spurs: Con Ed
Been around forever and never been the sexiest the girl on the block. But year after year, manages to get the job done.
Oklahoma City Thunder: Chesapeake Energy
They already own the arena’s naming rights. But nothing says Oklahoma City quite like a petroleum and natural gas exploration company, and nothing better represents an NBA team which was stolen from another city than a shady corporation that has been investigated by the Department of Justice on numerous occasions.
Or they could go with the complete dagger and partner up with Starbucks.
Los Angeles Clippers: Charmin
Soft, pricey and gets discarded after a single blow. Essentially sums up the past few Clippers seasons. The team’s previous owner would have especially enjoyed the logo’s color.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ykLY31qqWb4
Portland Trail Blazers: State Farm
Just because I can’t get enough of Baby Dame dropping dimes. Better yet, just put a picture of Baby Dame on the jerseys.
Sacramento Kings: Marlboro
The official sponsor of GM Vlade Divac’s halftime pack.
https://vine.co/v/OWe3QQmV3VZ
Dallas Mavericks: David Hasselhoff’s face
Dirk may be on his last legs. But at least the Mavs could honor him by putting his favorite singer’s mug on their jerseys.
Memphis Grizzlies: Oster Toaster Ovens
The technology is a bit outdated. We toast bread now the same way our grandparents did. But these babies still get the job done, even if they’re not embracing modern trends the way others are.
http://gty.im/489056365
Houston Rockets: Texas Instruments
Who better to partner up with the nerds of the NBA than the country’s leading calculator provider? Maybe Daryl Morey can arrange for a bunch to be handed out on the bench, so that the game can become even less fun for Rockets players.
Minnesota Timberwolves: Massage Envy
But only if the Timberwolves negotiate unlimited massages for their players as part of the deal. Now that Tom Thibodeau is in town, all those young bodies are going to be in need of constant rubdowns just to stay spry.
Utah Jazz: L.A. Looks
You see how much gook Gordon Hayward rubs into his hair? Whatever product he’s using has to be strong to keep that ‘do in place through 30-plus minutes of intense cardio.
Denver Nuggets: Funyuns
Some partnerships, and jokes, just write themselves.
New Orleans Pelicans: American Arbitration Association
Perhaps a little quid pro quo here. Pelicans owner Tom Benson puts their logo on the team’s jersey, and in exchange the AAA declares him lucid and sane, and doesn’t let his estranged daughter take the team from him.
Phoenix Suns: University of Phoenix
Acts like it a know-it-all despite not being one, and an argument could be made that it’s been bilking customers for years. Come to think of it: I’m surprised owner Robert Sarver isn’t on the “school’s” board of trustees.
Los Angeles Lakers: Cyber Dust
Yeah, this is Mark Cuban’s company, but NBA owners are partners anyway. Why couldn’t that apply to off-court venues as well? You couldn’t find a better example of a team more in need of a service that truly does erase secret video messages.
