Pop CultureBy Yaron Weitzman on

References to protein. Dudes threatening each other. Opening up about past relationships. This week’s episode of The Bachelorette had everything you could possibly want, plus more. The obvious star: Chad, who’s gleefully accepted the role of Villain-in-Chief. But we’ll get to him in a bit. First, a quick recap of Week 2’s events.

The episode got off to a hot start. (Get it?) Somebody blew up a limo for some reason. The men all came running out. One particularly bright soul could be heard asking, “She’s not in there, right?” God, I wish I knew who that was.

So where was JoJo? On the incoming firetruck, of course, decked out in full firefighter gear. “I hear you need some help with your hose,” she said. Ok, she didn’t actually say that, but she might as well have. All that’s missing from this scene is Dirk Diggler.

The point of this little stage job? The first group date of the week was set to take place in firefighter training school. What running around in 100 pounds of gear under the scorching sun had to do with dating? No idea. But it was fun to watch the guys pretend to save JoJo, I guess. Until Wells, the radio DJ who looks like he weighs about 90 pounds and one of the few contestants who doesn’t seemingly ingest protein shakes five times a day, almost died of heat exhaustion/dehydration.

But hey, it’s not easy to win JoJo’s heart. If you’re not willing to die for her by going through some firefighters obstacle course, then maybe you’re not exactly husband material. You know who proved that he’s husband material? Grant, who finished in first — though he is a firefighter in real life, so this whole thing seemed a bit unfair. 

As for those dudes not invited to the first group date, well, they spent their afternoon exactly how you’d expect a bunch of good-looking, ripped men living under one roof to: by sitting shirtless poolside and writing a song together about the girl they’re all fighting for, and by “writing,” I mean just chanting the name of the girl while someone occasionally strums a guitar.

The Jordan Rodgers fist pump at the end is my favorite part. That, and the fact that someone is actually holding a yellow pad and a pen so that these “lyrics” can be written down.

Later on, JoJo gave Derek the first individual date of the season. More on that in a bit. Then it was time for the second group of guys to head to ESPN’s L.A. headquarters (can you say: cross-branding?) where they visited the set of SportsNation and were put through a camp-like Bachelorette obstacle course to prove themselves to JoJo, but also to ESPN’s Max Kellerman and Marcellus Wiley, who at the end of the date gave their own Bachelorette Power Rankings. Real original, guys. And anyway, everyone knows that the true Bachelorette Power Rankings take place in this space.

So what are they, now that two weeks are in the books? Here we go. And as always, last week’s rankings are in parentheses.

GOING HOME

  • James S (18): He lists his occuapation as “Bachelor Superfan.” Dude never had a shot.
  • Brandon (13): Speaking of guys with fantastic occupations….
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Also, I’m calling BS on him. You can’t be a hipster “for a living” and live in L.A., and not someplace in Brooklyn like Park Slope.

  • Will (19): I honestly did not know who this was until I looked back at my rankings from last week. Here’s what I wrote then: “For those who need refreshing, Will is the dude who, as part of some ill-advised gag, dropped those cards on his way out of the limo and then had trouble getting a full sentence out during his one-on-one time. I’m not really sure how he made it through. Guess the producers like him.”

I’m just completely SHOCKED that he didn’t receive a rose this week.

STILL HERE

1. Jordan (1): He took a bit of a back seat this week after being the star of the premiere. But that’s how things go in this universe sometimes. JoJo can’t just focus solely focus on one guy, no matter how much she likes him. After all, we’re making a TV show here. This has nothing to do with actual feelings.

So, yes, Jordan was only given limited air time this week, but we still learned a few things about America’s favorite failed quarterback: He loves just chilling with the boys and singing songs (as seen above). His hair is amazing; there might not be a better ‘do in all the land. And he’s quite limber, even when donning pants that look as if they were painted on.

Dude remains the favorite going forward.

2. Luke (2): I’m keeping Luke at No. 2 despite his poor showing this week. The problem: He’s just soooo whiny. He finished second to Grant in the firefighting competition and spent the next 10 minutes complaining to the camera that he lost that extra one-on-one time to JoJo because he let Grant save her life instead of him. I’m not sure he realized that the whole thing was staged and that JoJo’s life wasn’t actually in danger. But he’s still a Texan cowboy and military veteran, also with great hair. I’m not ready to write him off quite yet.

3. Derek (11): First off, this is a FANTASTIC call.

As for the date, it hit all the classic chords. An airplane ride (clearly JoJo is learning from Ben, who seemed to be aroused by heights). A picnic by the Golden Gate Bridge, only one with a basket seemingly containing no food and just booze because this is The Bachelor/ette. A classic opening-up session in which Derek played the “I’m wounded, but willing to open up” card and talked about a past relationship that hurt him and caused him to close himself off to love. JoJo responded by bringing up Ben Higgins, again, then telling the camera she felt a real connection to Derek because he was willing to open himself up to her. Then it was time to make out!

But I think my favorite part of this date was when JoJo asked Derek if he prefers dressing up or down. Then, after hearing Derek say “down,” responded with a “me, too.” Five minutes later, there was JoJo, strolling across the San Francisco streets, wearing a fancy-ass dress full of sparkles that looked like it cost $10,000.

4. Robby (4): He spent the episode on the sidelines, but don’t sleep on the former professional swimmer with some great hair of his own.

5. James Taylor (7): JT was ranked No. 1 by ESPN’s Marcellus and Max (that’s why these amateurs should leave the power ranking to us professionals) and ended up winning a group date rose for his performance at ESPN. He also wrote JoJo a poem and made her cry while reading it to her (turns out JoJo is a decent actress), and even worked his mom into the conversation. He’s clearly going for the sweet-and-sensitive type, and it’s cute that JoJo’s pretending he actually has a chance. But we all know how this plays out: Sweet-and-sensitive is fine and all, but never in history has the hot girl gone with that over the star quarterback. Sorry, bro, just the way it is.

6. Chad (6): And so we make it to Chad, the man of the hour. Where to even start? Should we talk about his lovely toast?

https://vine.co/v/iVHEreqwx06/embed

Should we talk about all the damn meat this guy ate on the night of the rose ceremony…

…and at the damn rose ceremony!

Or maybe we should mention the myriad times he talked about consuming protein or working out.

Or how frequently he goes out of his way to tell JoJo that he’s currently “financially stable.” And, yes, he’s clearly an ass. Also, telling JoJo that she’s coming off like a nag was probably not the best strategy.

But — yes, I said but — I actually have some love for Chad. Would I ever hang out with him? Of course not! But I respect how he’s not playing into the classic ridiculous Bachelor/ette rules. This, for example, was the most honest assessment of this whole universe that any contestant has ever given.

Dude’s got a point. Anyone saying they already love JoJo, a woman they’ve spent about 10 minutes with, is thinking purely with the equipment below their waist. Of course I could do without the threatening of the other guys, and I’m pretty sure JoJo will soon find out that Chad is a walking steroid. But right now, he’s playing the “I’m tough on the outside, but secretly sensitive on the inside” card and JoJo is lapping it up.

“Tonight, I saw a side of Chad that really surprised me and that I liked,” JoJo, predictably, said to the camera at one point. Is Chad going to win? Hell, no. But you best believe he’ll be sticking around for a while.

7. Christian (3): I still have faith, but we need to see more from him. Internally, I mean. The post-show scene where he stripped down to a speedo in front of JoJo and then led her to an already-drawn jacuzzi bath was more than enough.

8. Grant (5): He proved that he’s better at his profession than anyone else in the house, which is good, I guess. And he did get a nice smooch from JoJo later on.

But, well, he’s just a complete bore! The next interesting or funny thought he shares will be his first.

9. Wells (10): Ah, a favorite of mine, and the one dude in the house who I actually feel like I’d enjoy hanging out with. He’s not a meathead, which helps, and is a radio DJ, which is cool. After nearly dying during the firefighters competition, he engaged in some self-deprecation and joked to JoJo that it was all a ploy to get some more time with her. That might be the first time a dude in The Bachelorette house has made fun of himself. And check out his reaction after getting the group date rose:

The issue: He’s a 90-pound radio DJ who makes fun of himself. In the real world, that’s fantastic. In this vaudeville where muscles and testosterone win out, such sensitivity ain’t gonna cut it.

10. Chase (15): He was only given a short amount of time with JoJo, but made the most of it by setting up that cute date by the fireplace full of fake snow. I have a feeling we’ll be seeing more of him next week.

11. Ali (9): Seems chill, but another dude who needs to do more to make himself stand out.

12. Saint Nick (8): Don’t remember a thing he did this week, but this is still a guy who in the premiere showed up in a Santa Claus costume and yet managed to make JoJo laugh and sit on his lap. The point is: don’t write him off just yet.

13. James F (14): I don’t know who this is, but I guess that’s better than being known for the reasons the men below him on this list are, so there’s always that.

14. Alex (12): I hate to agree with Chad. But I mean, there’s just no way JoJo chooses a 5-foot-4 man who needs a ladder to get up on a big boy chair.

Also, Alex is falling into a classic Bachelor/ette trap in that he’s taken on the role of leading the anti-villain crusade. Is Chad a dick? Of course. But things never work out for the dude/gal that decides to make it his/her job to bring the House Villain down. It’s just not a good look.

15. Vinny (17): Last week, he gave JoJo a piece of toast for some reason. This week, there were no gifts. Progress, I guess.

16. Daniel (20): A week ago, he was stripping down into his underwear and poking other men’s belly-buttons. This week, he spent more time talking to the House Villain than JoJo.

I’m not sure which one is worse. Or, for that matter, how this dude keeps getting roses and moving on.

17. Evan (16): “I feel like I could really fall for this girl,” he said to the camera moments after just letting Chad cut off his one-on-one time with JoJo and doing nothing about it. Yeah, not going to happen. Also, at some point he’s going to have to tell JoJo what he does for a living.

Evan also casually dropped in the fact that he has kids. So to sum up: he’s a 33-year-old dude with three kids who spends his days helping other men get hard-ons. Yeah, sounds like exactly the type of guy our hot and rich 24-year-old Texan Bachelorette is looking for.

LINES OF THE NIGHT

1. “This meat on a stick is delicious.”  — Chad

Meat on a stick always is.

2. “If you were making a protein shake, made of the group of dudes here, and then, you know, I blended it, you’d… half of that dude protein shake would have… like zero chance.” — Chad

Well put.

3. What kind of shake you getting?” — Daniel

See y’all next week.

About Yaron Weitzman

Yaron Weitzman is a freelance writer based in New York whose work frequently appears on The Comeback, SB Nation and in SLAM Magazine. He's also been published on SB Nation Longform, The Cauldron, Tablet Magazine and in the Journal News. Yaron can be followed on Twitter @YaronWeitzman

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