Ask yourself a question, what do you normally expect in a taco? My answer: meat, cheese, rice, beans, salsa, guacamole, lettuce, and maybe if you can stand it, some sour cream.
Some of the most important elements of a taco outside of the hard or soft shell to me are meat, beans, and salsa. Plenty of people only put one of meat and cheese or beans and cheese in a taco, and I’m sure tons of people skip out on the salsa.
But skipping out on all three?! People who do that are monsters. Therefore, New England Patriots’ quarterback Tom Brady is a monster.
Back in early March, the food service company Purple Carrot partnered up with Brady to deliver his bizarre diet to people. One of the meals people can “enjoy” through Purple Carrot and Brady is tacos. Except I’m calling them “FAKE TACOS”.
Brady showed off how to make these so-called “lentil tacos” on his Instagram.
Step 1 – Show off the box:
Step 2 – Look through at your ingredients and instructions:
Step 3 – Use way too big of a knife to cut tiny radishes:
Step 4 – Cut a ton of jalapeños because you don’t care about your tastebuds and make guacamole:
Step 5 – You’re done making WHAT IN GOD’S NAME IS THAT?!?!??!
What the heck is that thing? Seriously.
- What are those tiny black things? They look like deer poop.
- The cheese thing, sauce, whatever it is, looks gross and like someone spilled mayo.
- The tortilla is soft, which is fine, but doesn’t look like it was warmed up or anything because of how flat it is.
- That piece of cilantro on the bottom left side of the tortilla (around 7 on a clock) is way too big. You have to cut that finer, Tom!
- WHERE ARE THE MEAT AND SALSA AND BEANS, DAMN IT!?
Those aren’t even tacos. Those are FAKE TACOS. They are also the grossest FAKE TACOS I have ever seen in my life.
Rather than take the time to go through the other meals offered through the Purple Carrot and Brady partnership, I saved myself some time and came up with other FAKE food items that could be on Brady’s meal plan.
1. Hamburger = FAKE Hamburger: Instead of buns, you have soy wheat thins that are lightly toasted. Instead of meat, you mash up a bunch of beans, onions, and peppers form them into a patty shape. Instead of cheese, you use a thin slice of vegan cheese.
2. Meatball Sub = FAKE Meatball Sub: Instead of real meatballs, soy balls! Instead of cheese, once again you use a thin slice of vegan cheese. And finally, there is no bun or bread in this at all. It’s just fake vegan “meat” balls with vegan cheese.
3. Lasagna = FAKE Lasagna: Instead of meat, you use tofu. Instead of real pasta, you use gluten-free pasta. No cheese. Just straight up no cheese at all.
4. Grilled Cheese = FAKE Grilled Cheese: You know where this is going… gluten-free bread and vegan cheese. But also, lettuce and celery on top and no tomato soup on the side.
5. Nachos = FAKE Nachos: A large pile of gross vegan stuff.
Excuse me while I go stuff my face with tacos. You know, the food item with meat and salsa and guacamole and all that delicious stuff. Not Brady’s #faketacos.