So you’ve decided to celebrate the holidays. Congratulations! Welcome to the most wonderful time of the year. If by “wonderful,” you mean the most anxiety-ridden, rage-inducing, stressful, sometimes depressing and expensive month.

The Holidays can be hell. But follow our handy, dandy guide and you’ll survive Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Festivus and Boxing Day with your dignity intact.


(Editor’s note: Children under the age of 12 should stop reading right now.)

The first rule: know your audience. Your role as Santa will differ depending on your exact status. Are you single, married, have children, have a mistress, is it “complicated” or is your significant other incarcerated? Of course, being married with multiple kids is the DEFCON 2 of responsibility. You have multiple people who potentially could be disappointed in you.

About Michael Grant

Born in Jamaica. Grew up in New York City. Lives in Louisville, Ky. Sports writer. Not related to Ulysses S. Grant, Anthony Grant, Amy Grant or Hugh Grant.