Let me say this right now: Jim Harbaugh will not accept the Los Angeles Rams head coach position.
Harbaugh said as much to his Michigan football team Tuesday night, but has yet to do so publicly. In the meantime, the media will tell you that Harbaugh will go to the NFL, but he will not. It’s only his second season at the University of Michigan and he’s not done yet. Like The Bride in the movie Kill Bill, he has unfinished business.
No, not a National Championship, I mean pasting Urban Meyer and causing a riot at midfield during the postgame handshake. He wants to do to Meyer what he did to Pete Carroll while Harbaugh and Carroll were at Stanford and USC, respectively.
As a Stanford fan, I’m unsurprised by the rumors involving Harbaugh. In his last two years at Stanford, Harbaugh was linked to just about every NFL and college head coach opening. The coach continually dodged media inquiries in painful fashion which, if you’ve ever seen a Harbaugh press conference, you’ll know is about as comfortable as picturing your grandmother having sex.
During his time with Stanford and the San Francisco 49ers, he maintained that he would “only discuss the job [he has].”
That stance is in keeping with what Harbaugh purportedly told his players Tuesday. According to several reports, Harbaugh blamed the Rams rumor on “lies made up by our enemies.” Which I totally believe because only Jim Harbaugh and someone wearing a tinfoil hat can get away with uttering that sentence.
The media won’t let it go, though. No, even when he denies the rumors, reporters (especially those who cover the NFL and can’t believe a coach would choose college over the pros) will continue to speculate well into the offseason, or until the next coaching vacancy is announced.
So it feels like this needs to be said. Here are eight things more likely than Harbaugh becoming the coach of the Los Angeles Rams:
Lane Kiffin leaves Florida Atlantic University on good terms
It was only a matter of time before someone offered Kiffin a head coaching job because if 2016 has taught us anything, it’s that we do not learn from past mistakes. Kiffin will complete his responsibilities as Alabama offensive coordinator/Nick Saban’s personal punching bag through the College Football Playoff and then move on to his new gig at FAU, where he will be emotionally abused less frequently, but win far less.
It’s possible that Kiffin has learned from his experiences with the Raiders, Tennessee, and USC, but the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.
College and NFL officials finally figure out the definition of “a catch” and “targeting”
Trying to explain these is like trying to lick your own elbow. Go ahead and try. I’ll wait.
The Cleveland Browns win a football game
https://vine.co/v/5x9UWnVq0qX
The Browns are the worst team in the NFL, which isn’t necessarily something new, but at 0-13 they have a very good chance of being the first team to go winless since the 2008 Detroit Lions. One man is so confident in the Browns’ ability to achieve this feat that he has filed paperwork to hold a parade if they do indeed have a “perfect” season.
Skip Bayless says something that the majority of America agrees with
HAHAHAH. I kid, I kid.
Bill Belichick enjoys a post-game presser, patiently answering questions without a sardonic tone
Nope. Never gonna happen. With over 25 years of head coach experience, it’s honestly surprising that Belichick hasn’t murdered a member of the press.
Raiders punter Marquette King merely walks off the field following a punt
https://vimeo.com/191595176
King has made a name for himself recently with his considerable dance moves following successful and unsuccessful punts. In fact, he’s received two unsportsmanlike conduct calls for his dance moves and other antics in the last two games. In the words of Friends’ Chandler Bing: “Gloria Estefan was right: Eventually, the rhythm is going to get you.” That man Marquette King just can’t help himself.
A Stanford football player will win the Heisman
Since 2009, Stanford has had four Heisman runners up: Toby Gerhart, Andrew Luck (x2) and Christian McCaffrey. Always the bridesmaid…
Tim Tebow makes an MLB roster
Here's a look at Tim Tebow's swing on his first #AFL16 hit #Mets pic.twitter.com/lloCqhlU0e
— Jonathan Mayo (@JonathanMayo) October 18, 2016
Former Florida Gators quarterback, one Timothy Tebow, tried to find success in the NFL for years. The issue is, his throwing mechanics are worse than Philip Rivers’. Picture MLB knuckleballer R.A. Dickey at quarterback, except at least Dickey is a righty.
It’s likely that Tebow could’ve made a roster as a tight end or fullback, but no — Tim wanted to be a quarterback. Additionally, he eschewed a cushy gig on the SEC network in favor of, most recently, minor league baseball. Tebow, it’s not going to happen — they’re just not that into you. Get back on television; you’re good at it.
As unlikely as these eight events are, they are all still more likely than Jim Harbaugh coaching the Rams, or any other NFL team, in 2017.
