College football season will be here soon.
The Southeastern Conference is wrapping up its media days event this week with the usual questions and answers. But what America really needs to know is this: Is Les Miles portraying a police officer in a movie an example of perfect casting? He certainly looks the part.
Naturally, that got us thinking. What if we cast all of the SEC coaches in a fictional movie: Southeastern Enigmatic Cops?
Obligatory disclaimer: The events depicted in this movie are fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.
Les Miles is appearing in a movie as a cop. That's old news.
We've now got photo proof https://t.co/Wokx7plxkj #LSU pic.twitter.com/QNlfvS8Qyc
— Ross Dellenger (@RossDellenger) July 5, 2016
Les Miles – The former lieutenant who has been lured out of retirement to lead the Cold Case unit. He has recently unearthed key evidence that might be tied a decades old crime involving a current police officer. He’s conflicted because the suspect is a brother in blue. He is also wary because he’s afraid that someone else is going to take the credit for his work. That someone else is…..
Nick Saban – The ambitious district attorney eager to clean up this town. He hasn’t been able to file charges against a rogue officer, but he’s close. When the detectives present him with the latest evidence, he sighs, looks up from his desk and sadly says “it’s not enough” and declines to press charges. In frustration, he throws a chair against the wall, but then calms his nerves by indulging in some stress-eating. That rogue cop is….
Hugh Freeze – The shady, possibly corrupt cop who routinely skates, even though he has been under investigation by Internal Affairs three times. Witnesses keep reversing their testimony or wind up missing. Freeze flaunts authority by parking his suspiciously brand-new BMW in no parking zones when off duty. Recently, he has been questioning the loyalty of one of his underlings. That man is….
Dan Mullen with his Adidas Yeezy Boost 750s… as much talk about the shoes as football at SEC Media Days pic.twitter.com/OkEonub93T
— Steve Moss (@smosswkyt) July 12, 2016
Dan Mullen – The jealous wisenheimer henchman. Freeze was promoted quicker, causing tension between the two. Mullen is never properly compensated and often has to shell out his own money for Freeze’s schemes. As a result, he puts on that information in a ledger. That ledger could bring down the entire operation. So could a couple guys who have been following Mullen around. They are…
Will Muschamp – The easily agitated internal affairs officer who is sitting in a white panel van listening to a wiretap of Freeze and Mullen. While he makes meticulous notes, he keeps getting distracted by his new partner’s pointless stories and bad jokes. His new partner is…
Bret Bielema – The guy who no one wants to partner with. He’s boisterous and keeps bragging about how hot his girlfriend is and insists on showing Muschamp photos of her. Bielema’s workspace in the van is cluttered with empty pizza boxes. He’s the polar-opposite of Muschamp’s last partner. He is…
Derek Mason – The guy who halfway through the movie you think is on the wrong side of the law. Later, you discover he’s an undercover cop who lives in constant peril of being found out by Freeze and Mullen. He only took this high-risk assignment because the police captain said it would impress the higher-ups. That captain is….
Kevin Sumlin – The exasperated police captain who is fed up with his officers who don’t follow proper procedure. He’s fed up with the complaints from the citizens who don’t appreciate his years of service. He’s fed up with the whole damn system. He’s mulling over retirement, partially because he know he’s fallen out of favor with the police chief. The Chief of Police is…
Gus Malzahn – The strictly by-the-book police chief who is growing weary of Sumlin’s excuses. He wants results. He would have fired Sumlin a long time ago but is concerned about the optics of ousting that precinct’s first African-American police captain. One of his underlings suggests that Malzahn could replace Sumlin with rising star Derek Mason. Malzahn is about to discuss that idea, but quietly and quickly exits his office when he sees….
Auburn's Gus Malzahn is first coach up in ballroom at SEC media days. Three police officers just came in with him, for some reason.
— Pat Forde (@YahooForde) July 11, 2016
Mark Stoops – The analytics expert who is convinced that his new math will prevent crime. For months, he has been trying to meet with skeptical police chief Gus Malzahn. Every time he tries, Malzahn is suspiciously out of the office. A discouraged Stoops, wanders into the cafeteria and sits down next to….
Barry Odom – The hotshot rookie cop who thinks he knows it all, but keeps getting into trouble. This leads to contentious conversations with Sumlin. Muschamp simply won’t listen because he comes from a family of cops and believes he knows better. He’s also trying to escape the shadow of his older brother. His more successful brother is…
Jim McElwain – The cautious veteran cop who is worried about the reckless ways of his younger brother Barry Odom. He has tried repeatedly to rein in his brother, but fears that Odom will be kicked out of the force any day now. McElwain is oblivious to the fact that Odom secretly hates him. Before he leaves for the day, he waves at….
Kirby Smart – The bored desk cop who yearns for excitement. He’s stuck in charge of the evidence room and keeps asking for a promotion. But soon, he’s going to play a key role when he notices a bookkeeping irregularity: Freeze and Mullen never returned those firearms seized in the latest raid. Unnerved he decides to talk to his best friend who is…
Butch Jones – The officer in charge of the K-9 unit who loves his dogs more than people. Jones distrusts every one in the precinct except for his old boss who is…Les Miles and urges Smart to tell Miles what he has found out.
Spoiler alert: Before Smart reaches Miles’ office, he bumps into district attorney Nick Saban. Saban slyly convinces Smart not to bother the “busy” Miles and coyly says Smart “has a bright future ahead of him.” Saban gets critical information, which is what he finally needs to press charges against Freeze. The judge who signs the arrest warrant is…
@LeBatardShow Paul Finebaum looks like the judge in the deep south who quotes the Bible before handing out the sentence.
— Matt Berger (@matt_berger) September 17, 2015
No five-star recruits were harmed in the making of this motion picture.