Bill Simmons is a great writer who isn’t afraid to take risks. Well, as a diehard New England Patriots fan, he wasn’t afraid to absolutely eviscerate a different NFL team that probably deserved the smackdown he gave them on his HBO show Any Given Wednesday.
The Cleveland Browns have had 26 different starting quarterbacks, three owners, nine head coaches, and 14 different offensive coordinators since their first season in 1999. That’s bad. That’s really really bad.
Those four unbelievable, but 100% true, facts are four of many Bill Simmons presented in his ‘Any Given Wednesday’ segment where takes the Browns to the Super Bowl. And no, it’s not the big time NFL Super Bowl, it’s the porcelain bowl Super Bowl.
Simmons starts off the segment strong by mentioning the fact that the Cleveland Cavaliers raised a championship banner the same night the Cleveland Indians opened up the World Series across the street at home. Meanwhile during that same week this upcoming Sunday, the 0-7 Cleveland Browns are slated to host the New York Jets.
Let’s just say the Browns aren’t exactly at the same level as the Cavs and Indians. Or as Simmons put it:
“But don’t you worry, the Browns are still here to preserve Cleveland sports hell.”
And they’ve done that pretty well this year and since their “first season” in 1999. Here are some other ridiculous facts Simmons brought up in his takedown:
1. Odds: The odds of not winning a playoff game like the Browns haven’t since 1999? 1/56. The odds of starting 26 different quarterbacks since 1999? 1/769.
2. Horrible draft picks: The Browns picked quarterbacks in the same round or draft just picks ahead of Donovan McNabb, Ben Roethlisberger, Aaron Rodgers, and Tom Brady. That’s bad.
3. Four greatest moments: Maybe the harshest of facts that Simmons brought up are the “four greatest moments” in franchise history, all of which are arbitrary. They include: losing to the Steelers in a playoff game, Peyton Hillis on the cover of Madden 2012, Kevin Costner playing a Browns’ exec in “Draft Day”, and when LeBron James fictionally announced he was signing with the Cleveland Browns.
In short, Bill Simmons didn’t just roast the Browns, he literally took them to the worst kind of Super Bowl.
[HBO]
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About David Lauterbach
David is a writer for The Comeback. He enjoyed two Men's Basketball Final Four trips for Syracuse before graduating in 2016. If The Office or Game of Thrones is on TV, David will be watching.