So, you’ve decided to watch the National Football League. Congratulations! Once again, you have convinced yourself to have hope. No sport, no league traffics more in hope. You believe that with good health, good fortune, and good coaching, your team could be the one hoisting the Vince Lombardi.
That’s magical thinking.
In the immortal words of Dementus from Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga: “Where were they going, so full of hope? There is no hope! Not for them, not for you, certainly not for me!”
There is no hope because Patrick Mahomes exists. Unless you’re a fan of the Kansas City Chiefs, your team is probably playing for runner-up status. You know the drill. Even if your favorite franchise reaches the Super Bowl and is up by double digits, dad-bod Mahomes will crush your hope.
Barring a critical injury, a Chiefs three-peat appears inevitable. They just won the Super Bowl with a minus-11 turnover differential and the most dropped passes in the league. Since then, they’ve added the fastest man in NFL combine history, kicked Kadarius Toney to the curb, and Taylor Swift is drawing up plays.
Still, plenty of non-Kansas City storylines remain. For the first time since 1974, Bill Belichick won’t be working for a team. He has as many media jobs as he had wins (4) last season. Conspiracy theorist Aaron Rodgers will try to prove he’s not washed after popping his Achilles tendon. Mike McCarthy might be the lamest lame-duck coach in NFL history. And the San Francisco 49ers, who have had an unusual off-season, will try to become the first team since the 2018 New England Patriots to return to the Super Bowl the year after losing it.
What’s new in 2024?
- New kickoff rule. The Dynamic Kickoff looks weird. But considering only four kickoffs were returned for touchdowns in 2023, something had to change. The goal is to bring back the excitement of the return while also promoting safety. The Jacksonville Jaguars’ Parker Washington showed us what’s possible by returning a kickoff 73 yards last month.
- A Week 1 Peacock on Friday night: Hated seeing the Dolphins vs. Chiefs’ playoff game streaming on Peacock? Hate it when the NFL outsources games? Guess what. Expect more of that in the future. The NFL will have a Peacock game in the opening week as the Green Bay Packers will play the Philadelphia Eagles in São Paolo, Brazil on Friday night. Given the passionate fanbases of these teams, the streaming numbers could be huge.
- Eight coaches will make their debuts. Three are recycled. Most of the attention will focus on Jim Harbaugh’s takeover of the Los Angeles Chargers and whether he can turn Justin Herbert into a consistent winner. But perhaps the most fascinating new coach-new quarterback pairing is Raheem Morris and Kirk Cousins with the Atlanta Falcons. They play the easiest schedule. They’re in a winnable division. Nine or 10 victories might be enough to be the AFC South champion.
- Three rookie quarterbacks will start immediately. Caleb Williams, the top overall draft pick, walks into the best situation a No.1 selection has ever had. Jayden Daniels, the No.2 overall choice, and Bo Nix, the No.12 overall choice, were both in college for five years. Daniels and Nix will be playing for rebuilding teams and probably will struggle early. However, in a salary-cap sport, the Washington Commanders and Denver Broncos need to find out quickly if they have franchise quarterbacks.
- These guys have retired: Jason Kelce, Matt Ryan, Aaron Donald, Malcolm Butler, Fletcher Cox, Chris Harris Jr., Teddy Bridgewater, and Ryan Jensen.
- New uniform, who dis? The Jets, Broncos, Texans, and Lions are among the teams that will have new looks for the season. The Broncos’ orange throwbacks to 1977 will get the most attention. But don’t sleep on the Texans’ sharp outfit.
Modern meets tradition 🤝 pic.twitter.com/xW3D5QChn5
— Houston Texans (@HoustonTexans) April 23, 2024
Lions, Niners, and Eagles, oh my
The NFC looks like a clear-cut three-team race. Either the San Francisco 49ers, the Philadelphia Eagles, or the Detroit Lions are going to the Super Bowl. The 49ers have the best combination of offensive and defensive playmakers. But the contract issues of Trent Williams and Brandon Aiyuk that dominated their training camp make you worry. The Eagles also have plenty of talent, but last season’s implosion makes you worry. The Lions had a breakthrough season and had a 24-7 halftime lead at San Francisco in the NFC Championship before faltering. That also makes you worry.
The verdict: There seem to be fewer possible issues with Detroit, which had a drama-free off-season. With offensive coordinator Ben Johnson back and the best offensive line in the league, the Lions are a safe choice.
Guys with something to prove
Russell Wilson, QB, Pittsburgh Steelers – Has anyone played his way out of the Hall of Fame faster? Wilson is on his third team in four seasons. If he doesn’t turn around his career here, his days as a starter might be over. With the Steelers, he just needs to be better than 2023 Kenny Pickett.
Saquon Barkley, RB, Philadelphia Eagles – The prevailing narrative is that the Giants’ poor supporting cast hindered Barkley. Talent-rich Philadelphia has a great offensive line, even without Jason Kelce. There’s no excuse for Barkley not to be a contender for the rushing title.
Bryce Young, QB, Carolina Panthers – Teams are no longer patient with young quarterbacks, and Young needs to start trending in the right direction. Rookie coach Dave Canales has a reputation for being a Mr. Fix It (Geno Smith in 2022 and Baker Mayfield in 2023). If Young isn’t remarkably better this year, the Panthers might draft a quarterback in 2025.
Ikem Ekwonu, OT, Carolina Panthers – Because the focus has been on Young and because Ekwonu plays in relative obscurity as an offensive lineman, you probably haven’t heard much of him. The No. 6 overall pick in 2022 has been a disaster at left tackle. Last season, he surrendered 11 sacks and was penalized 12 times.
Mazi Smith, DT, Dallas Cowboys – Say what you will about Jerry Jones, but the Cowboys have drafted exceptionally well recently (CeeDee Lamb, Micah Parsons, and Tyler Smith). Smith, however, was a nonfactor who did little to improve Dallas’ run defense. He had only 15 tackles (one sack) and barely played in the playoff loss to Green Bay.
Deshaun Watson, QB, Cleveland Browns – That fully guaranteed contract keeps looking worse. According to one analyst’s metrics, Watson was the league’s most inaccurate passer last year. Plus, the Browns survived just fine without him during their playoff push. If Cleveland struggles, the already problematic Watson is in trouble.
a few fun facts about Deshaun Watson:
— Warren Sharp (@SharpFootball) August 29, 2024
he has a $73,000,000 cap hit in 2025 and 2026… most of any player in NFL history
also was the most inaccurate QB in the NFL last yr
also threw 3 of the most hilarious passes last yr that you will ever see pic.twitter.com/PE3ez7L8em
10 things that may happen…
- Bill Belichick will avoid talking honestly about the New York Football Giants because that’s where he’ll be coaching in 2025.
- Wacky Buffalo Bills rookie wide receiver Keon Coleman will appear in a Chips Ahoy! commercial with Cookie Monster.
- Ezekiel Elliott will have a game with 10 carries for 9 yards and three touchdowns.
- The Jim Harbaugh Chargers look like the Brandon Staley Chargers, leading them to bring in Connor Stalions as a 28-year-old intern.
- A disgruntled Titans fan will dump an entire bottle of mayonnaise on Will Levis‘ head when he walks back to the locker room after throwing six interceptions in a game.
- Notoriously frugal Bengals owner Mike Brown will finally sign Ja’Marr Chase to a contract extension, but the new money is paid in Skyline Chili coupons.
- Impossibly handsome Sam Hartman will land a role in the Hallmark Channel-Kansas City Chiefs Holiday movie.
- After getting fired, Nick Sirianni and Dom DiSandro become tag-team wrestling heels called The Philly Phear Phactor.
- After another plane problem, the Carolina Panthers will travel by train for the rest of the season
- Travis Kelce will win Super Bowl MVP, propose to Taylor Swift, announce his retirement, and join his brother at ESPN— all on the same night
Awards
MVP: Patrick Mahomes (Kansas City Chiefs)
Offensive Player of the Year: Tyreek Hill (Miami Dolphins)
Defensive Player of the Year: Micah Parsons (Dallas Cowboys)
Comeback Player of the Year: Aaron Rodgers (New York Jets)
Offensive Rookie of the Year: Marvin Harrison Jr. (Arizona Cardinals)
Defensive Rookie of the Year: Byron Murphy II (Seattle Seahawks)
Coach of the Year: Raheem Morris (Atlanta Falcons)
A Super Bowl Taylor Swift can root for: Kansas City Chiefs over the Detroit Lions