It’s all anybody really wants to know about the NFL: Who’s better than who?

All the analysis, previews, breakdowns and smack talk boil down to a simple hierarchy: If any two given teams played, who’d win? That’s what power rankings are all about, and I’m going to spend the rest of the year at The Comeback slotting all 32 teams exactly where they belong.

32. Los Angeles Rams
Expectations were low for the Los Angeles Rams — and somehow, they fell very, very short. Their season-opening performance was a complete and total capitulation to one of the presumed-worst teams in the league. That’s bad enough, but the only player who could potentially help them (rookie quarterback Jared Goff) is bolted down to the bench.

31. Cleveland Browns
The Browns are in Year Zero of a three-year plan — which apparently starts with letting every veteran free-agent walk, trading every draft pick for more draft picks next year and forcing whomever was left to run the “can you succeed with no help” gauntlet. RGIII, the one hope of semi-exciting football the Browns had, was placed on IR after getting completely outclassed by Carson Wentz (whom the Browns passed on after signing RGIII).

BALTIMORE, MD - SEPTEMBER 11: Quarterback Joe Flacco #5 of the Baltimore Ravens is sacked in the second half of the Buffalo Bills vs. the Baltimore Ravens game at M&T Bank Stadium on September 11, 2016 in Baltimore, Maryland. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)
BALTIMORE, MD – SEPTEMBER 11: Quarterback Joe Flacco #5 of the Baltimore Ravens is sacked in the second half of the Buffalo Bills vs. the Baltimore Ravens game at M&T Bank Stadium on September 11, 2016 in Baltimore, Maryland. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

30. Buffalo Bills
The Bills’ make-football-great-again plan of putting “bullies” in the trenches and limiting unproven quarterback Tyrod Taylor to a handful of playmaking opportunities worked surprisingly well in 2015. The only thing more surprising was how mediocre Rex Ryan’s defense was, finishing 15th in scoring defense. The defense looked strong against the punchless Ravens in Week 1, but whatever was working about the offense doesn’t seem to be now. The only thing uglier than that Bills/Ravens game was losing it.

29. Tennessee Titans
Full credit to Dick LeBeau and his new-look Titans defense, taking advantage of the Vikings’ aerial limitations. On offense, though, the Titans couldn’t make much of anything happen. Unless and until Mike Mularkey is willing to get Marcus Mariota out of second gear, the Titans aren’t going anywhere.

28. San Diego Chargers
A surprisingly strong first-half performance by the Chargers defense against the Kansas City Chiefs turned into an epic collapse. As it turns out, Old Philip Rivers is Wise Philip Rivers, but Old Antonio Gates is just old. Keenan Allen’s ACL injury is a devastating blow, and Joey Bosa won’t be good enough fast enough to make this team any kind of contender.

In Article TCB:

27. San Francisco 49ers
I still think this team is “really” a few slots lower, but you have to give them credit for not ceding an inch to the Rams. It was a great defensive performance against a punchless team. We’ll see if that D can give them a puncher’s chance against real opposition.

26. Baltimore Ravens
Woof. The big plays from Mike Wallace and Breshaud Perriman were nice, but there will need to be a lot more of them if this team is going to get back to the top of the AFC North. Sure, it’s possible both the Bills and Ravens have top five defenses this year. It seems more likely, though, that both the Bills and Ravens have a lot of work to do on offense.

25. Minnesota Vikings
This is a good team, maybe even a great one. They have everything it takes to make the Super Bowl — except a quarterback. A kicker who can’t shake the yips is a death sentence on a team who could only drive for field goal attempts against the Tennessee Titans. Unless the Vikings are going to get two defensive TDs every week, they’re screwed.

24. Miami Dolphins
On the one hand, the Dolphins very nearly beat the Seahawks. That’s great! But a bunch of scrap-heap guys and broken-down Russell Wilson were never going to do much against Miami’s gold-plated Cadillac defense, and the Dolphins’ offense was useless against Seattle’s increasingly thin Legion of Boom.

23. Atlanta Falcons
Matt Ryan took care of the ball, and got Julio his. That’s progress…
… but everywhere else on the field, this looks like the worst team in a middling division.

22. Chicago Bears
One of the hardest teams to handicap proved why in Week 1. The Bears defense is improved, but not improved enough, and Jay Cutler taketh away at least as often as he giveth. If a John Fox Year 2 Jump is happening for the Bears, the Texans are even better than we thought.

21. Indianapolis Colts
If I were allowed to section off teams in an “I’m not sure yet” area, the Colts would be the first team I’d put there. Andrew Luck and company fell well behind the Lions, then ripped up the field to gain a late lead, only to surrender it again. The defense (especially while missing three of their top four defensive backs) is brutal. The offense can score points, for sure, but against a quality defense? When they’re not down by a few scores? We just don’t know.

20. Dallas Cowboys
Another tough one to judge. Dak Prescott kept it between the lines, but Ezekiel Elliott was supposed to be the Cowboys’ engine — and he was completely ineffective against the New York Giants’ defense. The Giants’ DL has been massively upgraded, yes, but it’s still probably not one of the league’s best units. Given how much money and draft capital has been sunk into the ground game, the Cowboys have to be able to run the ball if they’re going to compete.

19. Washington
… would easily have had the most disappointing opening game if not for the Rams. Unable to get anything going against a talent-depleted Pittsburgh back seven, Washington couldn’t score. On the other side of the ball, Pittsburgh was without basically anybody but Antonio Brown, and Brown lit them up. At this moment, this squad bears no resemblance to the one that won the NFC East last season.

About Ty Schalter

Ty Schalter is thrilled to be part of The Comeback. A member of the Pro Football Writers of America, Ty also works as an NFL columnist for Bleacher Report and VICE Sports, and regular host for Sirius XM’s Bleacher Report Radio. In another life, he was an IT cubicle drone with a pretentious Detroit Lions blog.