It is early June 2017. The New England Patriots are visiting The White House months after winning the franchise’s fifth championship in Super Bowl LI. Cornerback Malcolm Butler has declined to attend out of disapproval for Donald Trump’s policies. Otherwise, the entire roster is there, as well as all the coaches, and team owner Robert Kraft.

DONALD TRUMP: It is my pleasure to recognize the New England Patriots, a classy marquee organization that wins all the time and in all the best ways, on a fifth Super Bowl title. Roger Goodell, that slimy little coward, he has had it out for these guys. Suspended Tom Brady… for what? Couldn’t prove he deflated balls. It was just because he wouldn’t turn over his private cell phone. Well, Tom Brady didn’t give in just like I didn’t turn over my tax returns. That’s my commitment to privacy. We stuck to our guns and that’s why I’m the president and he’s a Super Bowl champion.

TOM BRADY: Thanks uhh I uhh-

DONALD TRUMP: And another thing about Goodell – he didn’t step in when Colin Kaepernick and all the players were disrespecting the American flag and the national anthem. Just spitting in the face of anyone who has ever served this country. The commissioner – that pansy boy – he was fine with it! No wonder ratings are down. Biting the hand that feeds you. I’m still working with my attorney general to find a way to lock up all the players who took a knee during our nation’s proud anthem. The charges are coming soon. These players know they messed up. They know they’ll have to pay. But enough about Goodell – a sad man who was humiliated when he had to hand the trophy over to you guys – let’s talk coaching. Bill Belichick is the finest mind in the sport. When everybody else is playing checkers, he’s playing chess. Simply the best at football chess.

BILL BELICHICK: Thank you, Donald, and I have to say I think you’re doing a bang-up job making America great again.


DONALD TRUMP: You bet your ass I am. America knows I am making The White House great again. From state to state and even around the world they’re talking about the great changes I’ve made. For so long it’s been dull and boring. I fixed things up. You know how the Patriots have a cheerleading team? Well, I am the first president to have a my own squad here permanently at The Trump House. Hit it.

[Cheerleaders perform an extremely suggestive two-minute routine to Warrant’s “Cherry Pie”]

BILL BELICHICK: I also like how you’ve painted it gold and added another floor on top.

DONALD TRUMP: When I have Putin over here on visits, we do it up and we know how to have a good time. Believe me, the things we do, the press would absolutely lose their minds. They couldn’t handle it. Which is why I’ve denied all of their credentials.

JOSH MCDANIELS: Oh yeah! I know what that’s like! I can rip it up!

DONALD TRUMP: Settle down, Joshie boy… Bill, I thank you for the support on the campaign trail. That letter you sent me before the election meant so much. Knowing you endorsed me encouraged a lot of members of Patriot Nation to vote for me, we all saw that. They know you’re a man of vision and success. Earlier this season you traded Jamie Collins, one of the most overrated players in the history of football. He freelanced all the time. He lacked effort. Lazy, lazy player unfit of being on this magnificent team. But all these clueless football writers thought Bill was crazy for the move. Yet here he is, a champion again. And where’s Collins? On Cleveland, the biggest loser team there is, doing nothing.

TOM BRADY: I like winners, and that’s why I like you, Donald. We are both of us winners committed to the cause of winning. Much better than the haters and losers.

DONALD TRUMP: Exactly. That’s what I’ve been saying – the haters and losers will bring you down, but only if you let them. And we didn’t. We prevailed. That’s why I think – just like my good friend Putin – that I should get a Super Bowl ring.

BOB KRAFT: Well, I didn’t really mean to give Putin that one.

DONALD TRUMP: He still got it, didn’t he? Let me have a ring. Think how much it would do for your franchise. If people knew the president had a Patriots ring, the value of the franchise would skyrocket overnight. It would add another $200 million instantly, at least! Frankly I shouldn’t even have to ask. Are you disrespecting the office of the president? Is that what you’re doing right now?

BOB KRAFT: No, I’m not doing that at all. I suppose I can arrange to have one made for you.

DONALD TRUMP: Excellent. I knew you were a responsible man. In exchange, I will extend a presidential pardon to Patriots great Aaron Hernandez. Add him back onto the roster and we’re talking at least a repeat, possibly even a four-peat. Roger Goodell will be so upset, and that makes everyone happy because me and the Patriots – we’re the good guys.

About Mike Tunison

Mike Tunison is a freelance writer, former editor of Kissing Suzy Kolber, and author of The Football Fan's Manifesto. He has no outrageous food takes though is interested in a bite of what you have there. Looks good.