The All-Star break is nearly here, but before we take a break, break off a piece of this unbreakable mailbag. I hate writing intros. It’s The Comeback weekly hockey mailbag!
1. An All-Star Game with Friends?
https://twitter.com/katyapolo/status/691461434870501376
Friends, the last multi-camera television sit-com with a laugh track in American history, went off the air in 2004 and remains…what’s that? They still have shows like this? In 2016? And people watch them? Why? Come on. Does anyone have HBO?
I am either this country’s foremost Friends historian or this country’s biggest Friends nerd loser who needs a life, depending on if you are asking me or literally any other person besides me about this. So from time to time, I will get questions like this that reflect my affection for this long-defunct show and attempt to tie it to things like hockey or anything happening in 2016.
So here is how I would tie this to hockey.
- Four teams.
- Four captains doing the drafting.
- Seven players per team.
- We play 3-on-3.
These are the teams and their jerseys, which were designed at Owayo:
Team Ross
- Ross Geller
- Chandler Bing
- Janice
- Carol Willick
- Susan Bunch
- Mr. Heckles
- Mona
Strengths: Susan’s take-no-crap attitude, Chandler’s comedy, Mr. Heckles’ hatred
Weaknesses: Ross and a bunch of women with such poor judgment they found Ross to be a suitable mate for a period of time.
Team Rachel
- Rachel Green
- Jill Green
- Tag Jones
- Mark Robinson
- Barry Farber
- Paolo
- Joshua
Strengths: None
Weaknesses: Maturity, faithfulness and in Paolo’s case, the inability to communicate in the native language of teammates
Team Joey
- Joey Tribbiani
- Phoebe Buffay
- Mike Hannigan
- Estelle Leonard
- David
- Mr. Zelner
- Mr. Treeger
Strengths: Joey and Treeger have literally danced together, Mike and David have gotten along despite their conflicting love for Phoebe, Mr. Zelner is a leader that kept Ralph Lauren afloat despite Rachel’s incompetence.
Weaknesses: Sketchy work history, Estelle is very old and likely to shatter if she is checked by anyone but Mr. Heckles.
Team Monica
- Monica Geller
- Richard Burke
- Jack Geller
- Judy Geller
- Pete Becker
- Fun Bobby
- Gunther
Strengths: Organization, experience that comes with age
Weaknesses: Jack and Judy haranguing Monica will hurt team chemistry, Pete will be looking to fight to impress Monica, Gunther will be stalking Rachel the whole time.
Friday night, skills competition:
The Bridgestone Too Good For Ross Showdown: Any woman that ever dated Ross battles it out to see who was far and away too good for Ross.
Winner: Mona
The DraftKings Beer Pong Eliminator: The combination of alcohol and ping pong make Monica and Fun Bobby the perfect combo. Monica shows no remorse for getting Bobby off the wagon.
Winner: Monica/Fun Bobby
The Should Have Married Monica Instead of Chandler Challenge Powered By Reebok: Which of Monica’s exes made the most sense for Monica? We find out with compatibility tests that include…who are we kidding? We know who wins this.
Winner: Richard Burke
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytuZxHSj8RY
The SAP Worst Character Whiparound: Who is the worst character?
Winner: Ross, of course, as not even SAP can screw that calculation up.
Saturday night, game
Semifinals
Team Joey 13, Team Monica 5
Team Rachel 11, Team Ross 10
Finals
Team Joey 8, Team Rachel 5
MVP: Joey, because Joey is the best
If you want stats from a fictional 3-on-3 ice hockey tournament involving Friends characters, you are a sad, sad person. And also probably my future best friend.
http://gty.im/183640509
2. Non Mailbag Mail…about John Scott!
I am asking this mainly because I think you’ll be honest, not because I want it to be part of the mailbag (I just forgot I wanted to ask you this until I saw your mail bag call.)
I don’t think you really want to talk about the John Scott ASG thing, and I totally get that. Here’s the thing, I would like to feel bad for him considering it seems he was voted in because he’s not good. And that’s kind of rotten in a way. I mean, now that it’s a done deal, fine, it doesn’t really matter to me, but I kind of felt sorry for him.
BUT then I remembered…is he kind of a dirty player? I mean…there have been suspensions, right? And a head hit and various other things to result in suspensions.
Is he really someone I should feel sorry for? I honestly have never watched him play, that I recall anyway. I don’t follow the teams he’s played for, and I just don’t see him play.
So I guess my main question is should I feel sorry for him? Tell me how to feel, Dave. I’m confused.
Carol
You should not feel bad for him. At all. If you don’t like him because he is a dirty player, him getting a bunch of votes shouldn’t change that. Whether he received zero votes or 5 million votes, it doesn’t change the garbage things he’s done on the ice. If people are voting for him because he’s a dirty player, this is simply a manifestation of previously held feelings, so who cares if it makes him sad anyway?
By order from on high, I decree you should not feel sorry for him. He gets an all-expense paid trip to Nashville. They have hot chicken there.
3. Steak your claim
@davelozo I just ate a 36oz ribeye. What's the biggest steak you've ever eaten?
— Croy (@corydtweets) January 25, 2016
In 2008, in Minneapolis, I ate an entire 36-ounce steak as well. And some macaroni and cheese. And some potatoes. And some Applewood smoked bacon. And some creamed spinach.
The meal was consumed at about 8 p.m. local time, about 10 hours after my first beer of the day. My friends and I were in town to drink all weekend and watch a Twins game, and we had this reservation at Manny’s steakhouse for Friday night. There were five of us; three of us ate and drank like kings, two of us were on the verge of vomiting because they had been drinking for 10 hours.
So I was motivated by a) alcohol-fueled hunger, b) the fact the steak was incredible and c) with every bite, my two friends grew more nauseous, so I took great joy in spilling some spinach on the steak or dipping the bacon in my potatoes. It’s the only meal I’ve ever enjoyed based on taste and the desire to make a friend puke.
I recommend eating a four-course dinner in front of friends about to blow chunks if you can do it. It’s an unexplainably delightful experience.
4. General Lee speaking
@davelozo Why is Lee Stempniak having the best year since he was a Coyote?
— Lloyd or Jason (@LloydJNelson) January 25, 2016
http://gty.im/502023078
It’s about time and accuracy; he’s playing 18:45 per game, which is about 3-5 minutes more than he’s played since 2013, and he’s shooting 14.1 percent, which is about 3 percent higher than his career average.
The last time Stempniak was a big minutes guy, he had 32 points in 47 games for the Calgary Flames in 2013 while playing 17:54 per game. He only shot 8 percent that season so it could have been even better. He’s basically doing that again.
Stempniak is one of those players where if he’s playing 18 minutes for you, chances are, your team isn’t very good. The Devils are in a playoff spot with Stempniak getting major minutes, so this will either be a season of miraculous proportions for New Jersey or they will come crashing back to earth because, well, they have Stempniak getting major minutes.
5. Serious politic discussion
https://twitter.com/pucksnlife/status/691717440758226946
- Dynamic
- Omnipresent
- Nationalistic
- Asshole
- Limp
- Dick
http://gty.im/462470708
6. A questionnaire
(Note: This guy submitted all these questions in one e-mail, so I will answer them all, even if I don’t understand half of them)
The east is ridiculously close. Who do u see making it and who…um, doesn’t?
Making it: Washington, Rangers, Islanders, Tampa Bay, Florida, Montreal, Pittsburgh, Boston
Not making it: The rest
Did brodeur only wear makeup for appearances or when he played, as well?
I have no idea what this means.
Do the islanders make a trade n part w a young players like dal colle, ho-sang, barzal, pulock etc?
No, they shouldn’t.
and what piece/s would they need to move them up to the upper tier of the east?
No one. The only upper tier in the East is Washington and no trade is going to get them to that level.
When is the Rock (the arena- not the wrestler/actor) going to ban the fans from bringing in their own horns so they can still play “hey u suck”?
Hopefully as I type this.
What would it take for black hawks fans to begin to wonder if kane is a despicable human?
I don’t know, man.
Is kopitar worth the money?
Yes.
Are you going to do some “mid way analysis” for a quick column? Are they still calling them columns?
Maybe. Yes.
This has been this week’s mailbag.
If you want to be a part of next week’s mailbag, send at tweet to @davelozo.
