CHICAGO, IL – JUNE 18: Jonathan Toews #19 of the Chicago Blackhawks kisses the Stanley Cup trophy during the Chicago Blackhawks Stanley Cup Championship Rally at Soldier Field on June 18, 2015 in Chicago, Illinois. (Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images)

The NHL Mailbag is back with what is easily the most erotic championship trophy question that’s ever been pondered, a look at who the next Hall of Fame goaltenders will be and what hockey will look like a decade from now. There’s literally nothing in here about the Stanley Cup Final, so consider it a break from all the “hockey” coverage with a “hockey” mailbag.

1. I know that players that win the Stanley Cup get to spend a day with it after the season and you’ve been there for those days. So that means you may be one of the few people that can answer my question: Has a player ever had sex with the Stanley Cup? Not the player and the Cup but the player with someone else on the Cup? Is it even physically possible to do it on the Cup?

Thank you for answering my very important question.

Mason

This is an excellent question. I have no first- or second-hand knowledge about a player using a Stanley Cup for a sexual experience, either with it directly or with another person. Players have slept next to it, but I’m not exactly sure how you would penetrate it in an enjoyable fashion. It’s metal. You might need Magneto to bend it in a… it’s not possible. Maybe you could oil it up and rub it on your naked body until you climax, but as I’m sure we’ve all been told in our lives, that doesn’t count.

As I think about the trophies of the four major sports, the Stanley Cup is the only viable award for having sex on. The MLB trophy has all those pointy flags and that doesn’t do anyone any good. The NBA trophy is too small to support anyone’s weight and too bulbous for any sort of insertion and the NFL trophy presents many of the same obstacles.

But the Stanley Cup … let’s concoct a game plan.

If you’re going to have sex on it, it can’t be on its side. It would roll around too much. Imagine trying to have sex on a log floating in water. You’d continuously slip off like one of those logrolling guys in the lumberjack competitions.

So based on this, the only reasonable way to have sex on the Stanley Cup is by standing it up. You could try turning it upside-down, but the bowl on top would likely dent and bend and that could cause a major injury for both parties. Knowing this, we have to ask how we would position two people for intercourse on the Cup.

The bowl has a diameter of 7.5 inches. To me, that entirely rules out a man sitting on the rim of the bowl, because you’d be too heavy to plant your butt on it, not to mention if you are a 180-pound man supporting the weight of another person, that bowl is going to dig into your cheeks something fierce.

I see only one way for sexual intercourse on the Cup to be executed comfortably and safely for all parties involved.

The Stanley Cup is about three feet tall. In an elevated position, an extremely light person (I’m thinking 120 pounds, tops) lies with the bowl at the small of their back. This requires some strong core muscles and balance, but your standing partner can help by taking your hands and pulling you up slightly. If that still proves to be too painful, you could always place a yoga mat over the bowl to create a softer surface. If pain/pleasure is your thing, you’re welcome.

cruise_EWS

It won’t be perfect, but hey — you’re having sex on the freaking Stanley Cup. You will be the envy of the team, or the PTA meetings or swingers club or whatever message board you use to brag about sex.

If you have a sturdy coffee table, you can place it on there so there’s less knee bending. Placing the Cup on a slightly raised surface is probably the way to go for maximum Cup day sexual pleasure.

Please make sure that all your insurance premiums are paid and up to date and note that this is not an endorsement and you, the reader, are accepting all the risk.

Side note: I have a college degree and this is what I write about for a living. Thanks for reading.

 

2. The new NHL

After the two-year lockout that costs the NHL the 2022-23 and 2023-24 seasons and the colonization of Mars in 2020, the league will look dramatically different.

The lack of hockey for 700-plus days results in the folding of Columbus, Winnipeg, Arizona, New Jersey, Ottawa, Carolina, Nashville, San Jose, the Islanders, Los Angeles, Florida, Dallas and Las Vegas. The NHL then becomes a 16-team league when ownership for Calgary and Edmonton collectively decide, “Why do we even bother?”

The collapse of Canada’s entire economy also wreaks havoc on the league’s salary structures. The Canadian dollar no longer exists, resulting in the NHL having teams playing in a country that is getting by on a barter system. It becomes nearly impossible for Toronto to attract free agents despite offering lucrative seven-year, 40 million pelt contracts.

trudeau_pandas

But don’t worry about those hefty pelt contracts hurting salary caps, as they will no longer exist. The NHLPA will fight and win to abolish the salary cap but after two years with no hockey, the highest-paid player (non-pelt division) will make less than the average blogger, causing a stark shift in power between teams and the media.

As for the league’s new TV deal with hockeyTV.info.de, the only sports league contract that’s exclusively online, it’s an upgrade from NBC.

How does Mars factor into this? Well, after life is discovered there in 2019 and, against all odds, it is learned that the population of 80 million is almost entirely hockey fans, the league uses intergalactic law to prevent anyone on the planet from holding watch parties.

Mars revolts, colonizes Earth under the motto, “Please Like My Planet.” The planet never recovers and hockey becomes a crime to play.

 

3. I just saw a Buzzfeed that said that the identity of Ugly Naked Guy on “Friends” has been revealed. My question to you is: Do you prefer to see who it is, or leave it a mystery?

(I love Friends just a smidge less than I love hockey.)

Kathryn

First off, it was a Huffington Post story. Buzzfeed just posted a bunch of screenshots in an aggregated story. Credit where credit is due.

Although, man, do I not care.

The guy turned out to be… some guy. That’s a disappointing end to a year-long journey. If the guy had turned out to be some really famous actor or an ethereal being or a pure energy ball, then great. And this is coming from someone that cherishes every episode of Friends (except the lazy flashback ones), but who cares?

I feel bad for all the writer’s co-workers. “Hey, can you ask Schwimmer about this when you sit down with him for your interview?” I speak as someone that has done this and has had this done to him. When you have a small window to talk with a subject, asking that subject things you don’t care about (and maybe no one cares about) for someone else is annoying.

What do I care about? Why in the world were Monica and Richard at the wedding of Barry and Mindy when Rachel and Barry didn’t invite Monica to their wedding in the first place? For all the talk about how close everyone was, Rachel would never have seen Monica in her adult life if she had just married Barry. So why would Monica, who apparently didn’t know Mindy or Barry, get an invite?

I care way more about that than Ugly Naked Guy. If I wanted to think about Ugly Naked Guy, I’d look at myself in the mirror after I get out of the shower. Self-burn!

 

4. Goaltending Hall

There are 381 human beings in the Hockey Hall of Fame. Do you know how many are goaltenders? 36. Thirty-six! That seems extremely low, doesn’t it? Since 1993, only four goaltenders have been inducted — Dominik Hasek, Ed Belfour, Patrick Roy and Grant Fuhr — with a fifth coming soon when Martin Brodeur is enshrined. Where is the goaltender love?

Personally, any goaltender that played without a mask should receive automatic induction. I don’t think anyone truly appreciates how insane that must have been. Imagine baseball catchers spending the first 50 years of the sport’s existence not wearing cups. You know those pictures of old-time goaltender’s scarred faces? Yeah, now imagine the catcher version of that photo.

Who are the current goaltenders that will someday be in the Hall?

New York Rangers v Montreal Canadiens - Game Two

Henrik Lundqvist: One Vezina Trophy, five-time Vezina finalist and — this one is amazing to me — he’s never finished lower than sixth in Vezina voting in his first 10 years and probably gets in the top-six again for this season. He is fourth all-time in save percentage.

Roberto Luongo: He’s seventh all-time in wins and is 19 away from climbing to fourth next season. His career save percentage is three points lower than that of Hasek. Luongo is getting in.

Carey Price: The only thing that will keep Price out is injury, which seems like a real problem as of now.

Beyond that… Jonathan Quick? Braden Holtby? Tuukka Rask? Cory Schneider? They all feel like maybes of varying degrees. Did you know that Quick has a worse career save percentage than Sergei Bobrovsky? Keep that in mind before you make your, “Quick has two Cups!” argument.

 

5. This is Kessel

“Would you accept your dreams coming true if it meant you could have two other great things happen in your life as well?”

Of course, yes. The gifs alone would make watching Phil Kessel dance worth it.