OTTAWA, ON – FEBRUARY 6: Cody Ceci #5 of the Ottawa Senators prepares for a faceoff against Leo Komarov #47 of the Toronto Maple Leafs during an NHL game at Canadian Tire Centre on February 6, 2016 in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada. (Photo by Jana Chytilova/Freestyle Photography/Getty Images)

It’s Fashion Week in New York, so who better to judge the clothing of NHL teams than a guy from New Jersey who wears jeans 95 percent of the time and only tucks in shirts for weddings and funerals? Everyone knows the best NHL jerseys are the white ones, aka the road jerseys that should be worn at home, but which ones are fabulous and which ones are passé? Here are all 30 white jerseys ranked from 30 to 1 with their scientific ratings that aren’t at all numbers chosen arbitrarily by the author:

30-18: Jerseys Characters From Zoolander Wouldn’t Wear

(These are the bad jerseys, so let’s breeze through these as quickly as possible by looking at the thought process behind the logo design)

30. Anaheim

Logo design: “Let’s make it look sort of like a ‘D’ because of Ducks, but tweak it so it looks like a beige version of the Bat Wing going really fast, because ducks and bats are … OK, we have no idea why the logo looks like this.”

Rating: 0.3


29. Vancouver

Logo design: “Imagine if someone threw a giant purple boomerang and it got stuck up a whale’s butt and the whale is really pissed off about it.”

Rating: 0.8


28. Pittsburgh

Logo design: “It’s a penguin and, get this, it’s playing hockey! Because we are the Penguins! Get it? Also, the penguin will be holding his hands too low and have one skate positioned so it looks like he’s falling over.”

Rating: 2.3


27. Arizona

Logo design: “It’s a Coyote, but he’s a huge fan of David Bowie’s “Space Oddity” so he painted his face like Ziggy Stardust.”

Rating: 2.5


26. Columbus

Logo design: “We are paying homage to America’s bloodiest war, when many of its citizens died to protect their right to own slaves, so, I don’t know, a flag from that time with 13 stars and, like, a giant star too.”

Rating: 2.9


25. Colorado

Logo design: “Avalanches are horrific and responsible for numerous deaths. So how about a big purple ‘A’ with what looks like a really neat downhill ski course wrapped around it?”

Rating: 3.0


24. Ottawa

Logo design: “We combine the head of the Silver Surfer from that bad Fantastic Four sequel with a Roman warrior helmet. That will distract from the fact we are the Senators and have a logo that’s a dude dressed for battle.”

Rating: 3.1


23. Los Angeles

Logo design: “Our logo is due today? I don’t know, just make it as boring as possible.”

Rating: 3.6


22. New Jersey

Logo design: “Bob, we need you to combine “NJ” with something devilish, like a pitchfork and tail. Oh, I see you’ve taken our suggestion quite literally.”

Rating: 3.9


21. Carolina

Logo design: “Everyone loves the weather, right? They can’t get enough Weather Channel, right? So we make our design something straight off a Doppler radar, only red!” (Ed note: what’s interesting is that the shape is similar to the hurricane warning, but that shape with a dot in the middle more often means tropical storm, while a full shape means hurricane.)

Rating: 4.1


20. Winnipeg

Logo design: “Picture what you’d see if you cut open the white Angry Bird that drops the bomb out of its butt. We want that.”

Rating: 4.2


19. Nashville

Logo design: “The angriest cat head you’ve ever seen, except he’s angry because he keeps puncturing his throat with his long, pointy tooth.”

Rating: 4.6


18. Dallas

Logo design: “Take a capital ‘D’ and drop it over a star. We’re not going to complicate this.”

Rating: 4.9

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