Remember that song the girl sang on YouTube? It’s like that.
The curious case of Ryan Lochte & his American swimming buddies gets curiouser.
As a refresher, Ryan Lochte and three other American swimmers told reporters that they had been robbed at gunpoint in Brazil. Lochte bailed out of town before the police could speak with him but swimmers Gunnar Bentz and Jack Conger were detained before they could leave the country. Then the security footage was released and, oops, turns out they made the whole story up.
— Matt Gutman (@mattgutmanABC) August 18, 2016
The details changed quite a few times Thursday but we eventually learned that the swimmers vandalized a gas station and then were confronted by security guards who pulled guns on them. That contradicts the initial statement of the Brazilian police, who said guns were not pointed at the swimmers, when they accused Lochte & Co. of filing a false police report.
Now, Brazilian authorities are considering whether or not to charge Lochte & Jimmy Feigen. Meanwhile, Lochte is safely back in America and doing TV interviews where he lies about what happened and getting ethered by sports media folks.
Who knows what other changes to the story today will bring? Whatever it is, we know it’s going to bring more jokes with it…
Haven’t seen anyone run faster than Usain Bolt since Ryan Lochte.
— Leigh Ellis (@LeighEllis) August 19, 2016
I think it was wrong of Ryan Lochte to join ISIS.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) August 19, 2016
Ryan Lochte has brought more joy to more people in the last 24 hours than he ever did as a swimmer.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) August 19, 2016
Usain Bolt wins third-consecutive Olympic 200m easily
They say the 200M is what determines who truly is the fastest person in the world. Well then, for the third-straight Olympics, that person would be Usain Bolt. Not only that, but he did it with relative ease…
Bolt is the Cavs, and everyone else is the Eastern Conference in the NBA pic.twitter.com/RYUAMm5nLM
— Faizal Khamisa (@SNFaizalKhamisa) August 19, 2016
It’s also a fantastic year for Jamaican runners in general. They became the first nation to ever sweep the men’s and women’s 100m and 200m in the same Olympics. That’s got fans like Kendra Hansey’s mom pulling out all the stops to celebrate. And by all the stops, we mean the pot lids.
— Kendra (@KendraHansey) August 19, 2016
– Tom Brady cut his thumb, which is officially the worst thing to happen to him this year.
Tom Brady intentionally injured himself to avoid having to play in the NFL's trash preseason #hero
— Luke Zimmermann (@lukezim) August 19, 2016
– Sure its the preseason but RGIII to Terrelle Pryor looks like a pretty good combo from here.
– The Players Tribune is getting into the movie business. Alas, it’s not Captain: The Derek Jeter Story. Yet.
– Philadelphia Eagles kicker Caleb Sturgis suffered a concussion on Thursday night when he was hit in the head by a punt. Weird.
– Could a pitch clock be coming to MLB? The commish wants one.
– The LSU football team did some good and visited families displaced by the Louisiana floods.
— Kaylee Hartung (@KayleeHartung) August 18, 2016
– While everyone was fixated on Ryan Lochte and his band of merry swimmers, Ashton Eaton was over here winning his second straight Olympic decathlon gold medal. He joins Daley Thompson (1980, 1984) and Bob Mathias (1948, 1952) as the only people to ever do that. His 8,893 points also tied the Olympic record set by Roman Sebrle of Czech Republic in 2004.
– Looks like Zendaya will be the latest actress to portray Spider-man love interest Mary Jane Watson until the next time we reboot the series in a few years.
– Key & Peele, eat your heart out…
Fake news headline I wish was real
Ryan Lochte Changes Hair To Brazilian Flag Design, All Is Forgiven
One final glorious moment of procrastination
First, watch this and be terrified.
Scariest shit I’ve ever seen on twitter pic.twitter.com/XejVxn2lwB
— ITSBIZKIT (@itsbizkit) August 18, 2016
Then watch this and be TRULY TERRIFIED.
Hell is real.