Pop CultureBy Yaron Weitzman on

What a snooze fest. And please, God, let me go the rest of my life without hearing someone talk about how confused they are, how afraid they are of being blindsided or how tough is it to be in love with two women at the same time. Almost all Bachelor episodes feel repetitive. This week’s was more like a broken record.

That said this year’s finale did leave plenty to be broken down. This is The Bachelor, after all. First off, it was broadcasted live in front of a studio audience. That meant more of Chris Harrison, Psy.D., and myriad shots of pensive women seemingly WAY too divested in Ben Higgins’ fate.

Also in the crowd: Ben’s parents, Lauren B’s family, JoJo’s family, Ben’s pastor, Neil Lane and of course JoJo and Lauren B. With that, let’s unpack everything that happened in the Season 20 Bachelor finale with our last Bachelor Power Rankings of the season.

1. Lauren B: She won, fair and square. An impressive accomplishment considering the fact that Mrs. Higgins was clearly not feeling her game. And yet, Lauren B. did her thing, just as she has all season. Really this has been her title to lose since the start. If not for Leah’s trip down crazy lane, Lauren would have made it through the season without ever even taking a blow.

There’s really not much else to add. She met Ben’s family and said all the polite and smart things she was supposed to. She threw on the bikini for a beach date with Higgins and the two alternated between making-out and heart-to-hearts. Ben did mention to his parents and the camera that he was a bit concerned that him and Lauren B. had yet to face any tough times, whereas he and JoJo had gone through their battles. What exactly these battles were, he never said. Maybe the caviar on one of their dates wasn’t seasoned to perfection. Either way he eventually got over the inanity and realized that Lauren B. was the one for him. She might not have initially wowed his parents. But this was her season all the way.

2. JoJo: So this was an interesting turn of events for JoJo. In true Bachelor speak, you could even call this week’s episode an emotional roller coaster.

First, there was the upswing. JoJo was her typical giddy and vibrant self when meeting Ben’s parents. Ben’s dad didn’t have much to say about her, though it doesn’t seem like he has much to say about anything. But Ben’s mom certainly made it clear that she preferred JoJo to Lauren B. For a moment it seemed that would be all Ben needed to push him over the top. Also, JoJo has absolutely perfected the art of the intense kiss hello. Never underestimate that.

Then, there was the downswing. Ben and JoJo jumped into a waterfall for like the 56th time this season.

But after that Ben confided to JoJo that he was torn between her and Lauren B. Perhaps it was the realization, as they said, that they had yet to talk about anything real, such as where would they live, though I’m no relationship expert. Anyway, JoJo started to cry and then her and Ben moved to the bathroom in an attempt to get away from the microphones and cameras.

It didn’t work.

“I’m tired of competing,” JoJo said.

Maybe entering a reality TV competition wasn’t the greatest idea then.

Ben loved JoJo. JoJo loved Ben. But Ben realized – while in the midst of choosing an engagement ring — because of course — that he loved Lauren B more. He let JoJo show up to the final Rose Ceremony and then broke up with her. She said she was blindsided. He cried. She cried. All seemed lost.

And then, the big news!

JoJo is coming back. For the past two weeks we’ve been hearing all sorts of reports that Caila is going to be the next Bachelorette. Wrong! That title belongs to JoJo. The Dallas Princess will be able to find love after all. White people win again!

3. Ben’s Dad: If ABC really wanted a home run they’d convince this dude to drop Ben’s mom and become the next Bachelor. You could call the show, Silver Foxes. I know I’d watch, though it should be noted that the more we hear Mr. Higgins speak the more we learn where exactly Ben gets his, uh, depth from.

4. Ben’s Pastor: ABC thought it would be a fun idea to bring Ben’s pastor to the live showing as a way to allow Ben to marry Lauren B. on the spot. That move didn’t exactly go as planned — I didn’t think Ben could ever be whiter but his reaction to Harrison putting him on the spot proved me wrong — but at least we got about 10 shots of the pastor standing in front of a camera reading a bible. I’m assuming he skipped over Thessalonians 4:3.

5. Ben’s Mom: It would be nice if she let her husband speak every now and then, but no one’s perfect. And anyway, this whole “pick a wife on reality TV” thing was clearly not her idea.

“To know that Ben can be in love with two women, it’s really disturbing to me,” she said to the camera. Her reaction when Ben told her was even better.

Now some might consider this hating. Me, on the other hand, I consider it good parenting. Or almost good parenting. Actual good parenting would be telling your son he’s an idiot for doing this dumb show. (Ed Note: What’s a mom say to a guy who writes about this dumb show?)

Mrs. Higgins, who became the first person all season to scoff at the idea that her son might be perfect (she would get along REALLY well with my mother) also can’t be very happy with Ben’s ultimate decision. It’s not that she disliked Lauren B., but she clearly felt better about JoJo. That should make for some interesting Thanksgiving dinners now that Lauren B. has seen the clips.

6. Ben: Honestly, I’ve had enough of this dude. I’m sick of polished answers and statements that were clearly written in a backroom beforehand by a public relations staffer. I’m sick of hearing about how tough it is to have dozens of beautiful women willing to jump off a bridge for him, and sick of seeing him try out for J. Crew photo shoots.

He dragged JoJo to the Rose Ceremony, which was totally uncool. He seemed completely neutered while talking to Harrison during the After Hour show and made Lauren B. answer every question. He also apparently has this intense side that he hid all season, at least based on what his mom was telling Lauren B. and JoJo.

Higgins is a manipulative robot with a personality that makes Marco Rubio look charismatic. He also thanked Chris Harrison for helping decide which women to choose. That right there might be all you need to know.

7. JoJo’s brothers: Remember these idiots, the spoiled and brash trust fund babies who verbally attacked Ben the moment he stepped into their Dallas home. Yeah, he’d never say this out loud, but I’m guessing their presence didn’t exactly help JoJo’s cause. Notice how they weren’t in the audience at all (which, by the way, Ben should be thankful for).

Then again, can you really blame Ben for not wanting to be a part of this family?

8. Neil Lane: Forget Wall Street, there’s no bigger scam in America than engagement rings and this asshole is one of the chief peddlers of that fraud, which is why he and The Bachelor are a perfect match. I mean look at this thing, that’s like walking around with a Central Park penthouse on your finger.

Somewhere on the Upper East Side some girl just considered dumping her fiancé because her ring doesn’t look like Lauren B’s.

9. Caila: Oof, that’s a rough three weeks. First she goes with Ben back to the Fantasy Suite and allows him to, as they say, have the milk for free — only to be sent home in the most brutal of fashions.

Then it leaked that she’d be the next Bachelorette, which would have made her the first multiracial one in show history. Instead she got dumped, again, on national TV. Might be time for her to hitch her wagon to a new franchise. Either that or take the plunge and get onto Bachelor Paradise.

10. ABC: “I’d be very surprised if The Bachelorette in the summer isn’t diverse,” ABC head honcho Paul Lee said to reporters in January. “I think that’s likely.” In February, Lee was pushed out by the network and replaced by ABC drama chief Channing Dunge who became the first black network president.

And yet, once again ABC has decided to tab a white girl as its next Bachelorette. How’s the saying go, the more things change the more they stay the same?

Lines of the Week 

1. “Getting married for me, is a big commitment.” — Lauren B.

Glad you clarified that.

2. “I feel like he’s thinking about something and I don’t know what.”—Lauren B.

I don’t know, maybe that he has to choose a wife on reality TV.

3. “For 10 more minutes I’m still relevant.” — Ben

A more perfect note to end on, one could not find.

About Yaron Weitzman

Yaron Weitzman is a freelance writer based in New York whose work frequently appears on The Comeback, SB Nation and in SLAM Magazine. He's also been published on SB Nation Longform, The Cauldron, Tablet Magazine and in the Journal News. Yaron can be followed on Twitter @YaronWeitzman

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