Let’s talk about the word “relationship.” If you’re reading this post, then chances are you’re a loyal Bachelor viewer. And if you’re a loyal Bachelor viewer, then chances are you’re pretty familiar with the word. We hear it all the time on the show, whether you’re watching The Bachelor, The Bachelorette or Bachelor in Paradise.
So what exactly is a “relationship”? Obviously, it depends. I’ll tell you what doesn’t count as a relationship, though: two people of the opposite sex canoodling for 24 hours. Same goes for two people who go on a single date.
“Jared just formed this great relationship with Caila,” Grant said to the cameras after Ashley I.’s arrival.
NO, NOT A RELATIONSHIP! They just met a day ago.
“I have this great relationship with Josh,” Amanda said to the cameras.
No, you don’t, you’ve said eight words to each other. NOT A RELATIONSHIP!
A “relationship” can’t be formed over one day; I don’t care how much tonsil hockey you guys are playing.
— Whipclip (@whipclip) August 16, 2016
Please, Bachelor in Paradise contestants, stop throwing that term around.
On to this week’s Power Rankings.
Christian: He had the whole package. The looks, the abs, the obscene, Shaun T.-level energy. And yet he still lost out to a Canadian who enjoys shaving the backs of other dudes (more on that later).
Why does Christian keep falling short?
“I just want to know when Christian will find love,” he said to the cameras after being sent home.
Maybe if Christian stops referring to himself as Christian he’ll start doing a lot better.
Brandon: I still don’t really know who this dude is. All I do know is that the twins were able to pull a switcharoo on him last week and he didn’t catch on because he was too busy sounding like a teen movie stalker.
Girl is certainly in demand. First, there was Nick. Then there was Josh. Then there was Josh’s tongue. Then we learned that Evan’s original plan was also to woo Amanda.
That didn’t go as planned for Evan, though it was kind of weird that Amanda had no problem pausing her makeout session with Josh so that she could follow Evan up to the treehouse date he had set up and listen to him tell her why he was into her and why Josh, according to the book written by formal bachelorette Andi, was bad news.
“She said he was a verbal abuser,” Evan said.
“Josh can be verbal?” Amanda replied. OK, I made that part up, but given what we’ve seen so far, I’m not sure Amanda is too concerned about Josh’s verbal skills.
Then again, that’s why Amanda is No. 1 here. She might be a candidate for worst mother of the year — humping and moaning and tongue-kissing on camera when you have two kids at home will do that — but at least she’s taking advantage of her time on Paradise.
One question, though: doesn’t making out get boring after a certain point?
2. Grant, 3. Lace
Now THIS is a couple. So far there’s no drama, though with Lace, it can’t be that far away.
— Whipclip (@whipclip) August 16, 2016
Example No. 1: Lace’s decision to debrief Grant of the situation between Josh and Evan when Josh was sitting just one foot away.
“Oh, hi, Josh, I didn’t see you there,” she said.
Example No. 2: Lace wanting to throw down in a Mexican club.
Yeah, we haven’t heard the last of Lace.
Evan, Evan, Evan. Where to even start?
We can talk about your decision to go for Amanda, literally while she had her tongue down Josh’s throat.
“I obviously see what’s going on with you and Josh and respect that,” he said to Amanda.
Yeah, I’m not sure you know what the word “respect” means.
We can talk about your incredible ability to repeatedly poke at the biggest, strongest and most macho man in the house, be it The Chad or Josh, both of whom could break you in half.
We can talk about you running around quoting a book — Andi Dorfman’s — that you reveal that you never read, meaning you’re cool just being one of the producer’s top puppets.
We can talk about your failed attempt to impress Carly with pushups.
We can talk about how every time a woman seems to have the tiniest morsel of interest in you, you run to the camera and tell us that you can’t wait to introduce said woman to your kids.
Or we can talk about your trip to the hospital and how that somehow turned Carly back onto you.
Instead, though, let’s talk about something else: how during previews for this season, the damn producers of the show completely altered the context of Evan’s hospital visit. I know, I know; that happens all the time, but this was even more egregious. Previews for the season made it seem that Chad had cut up Evan and forced him to go to the ER. Instead, it turns out that he has some swollen ankles and for some reason Mexican paramedics don’t know how to properly administer an IV.
What a buzzkill.
Things were going well for him. He got a rose from Haley (I think was Haley) and then traded up for Caila and the two were beginning to form a (wait for it) “relationship.”
Then Ashley I. showed up, informed us that she was here for Jared and that she and Jared had hooked up in the past (and please, Chris Harrison, never use that phrase again. Dude, you’re old.) and even gotten to “second base” — and yes, she really said “second base.”
Now Ashley I. is getting all up in Jared’s business. If he knows what’s good for him, he’ll talk to the rest of the fellas before the next Rose Ceremony and make sure Ashley I. is being sent home.
Locked Jared up, apparently thanks to her hair.
Everyone is obsessed with @CailaQuinn's hair
Now just has to deal with Ashley I., who claims Caila told her before Paradise that she wasn’t going on Paradise and that if she did, she’d never go for Jared.
“It’s too bad I came yesterday and she came today,” Caila said to a friend about Ashley I.
Yes, what a coincidence. It’s almost as if this was all planned out by some higher power.
7. Nick, 8. Jennifer
Our favorite geriatric was having a tough go of things.
Josh Murray had once again stolen his girl. He had nowhere to turn.
Then Jennifer showed up and, it turns out, both of them were intrigued by each other. No, that’s really the word they used.
“I was intrigued by you,” Nick said to Jennifer at the hotel.
“I was intrigued by you,” Jennifer said to Nick on the beach during their date.
That’s how love works in the Bachelor universe. Contestants stalk out other seasons, pick out other contestants and then reach out via Instagram or something and hope the other half shows up on Paradise. It’s a really healthy way to do things.
Anyway, Nick and Jennifer are both into each other and now they have crabs. Everyone wins.
Dude is legitimately funny. And weird. OK, very weird.
— Bachelor in Paradise (@BachParadise) August 16, 2016
Daniel and Sarah actually make a cute couple. Here’s hoping he gives his rose to her.
10. Izzy, 11. Vinny:
What’s Vinny’s secret to wooing a lady like Izzy?
A clean back.
Never has a woman been more confused.
Carly spent the first, oh, five hours of the show mocking Evan.
Then one trip to the ER and suddenly, she’s turned on by him? If the two of them wind up together, it’s going to make for some awkward television viewing when they decide to tune into this season.
She went on a date with Christian last week, and yet gave her rose to Daniel. But since then, she’s had trouble sealing the deal. She could be in trouble during the next Rose Ceremony.
14. Emily, 15. Haley
I’ve had enough of both of them.
16. Josh Murray’s Tongue
OK, my first question: who made Josh’s pizza and how did they get the crust to be so damn crunchy? It sounded delicious, though I’m not sure about the moaning, the same type of moaning that comes out of him when grabbing Amanda’s ass.
Also, respect to Josh for being the only dude at Paradise who actually sweats. They’re in Mexico, in the summer, it’s probably 100 degrees outside, and somehow the rest of the group look like they’re chilling in a refrigerator. What hormones are they taking?
— GMA Pop News (@GMAPopNews) August 16, 2016
As for the accusations against Josh, you know, that he repeatedly called Andi a whore because she slept with Nick in the Fantasy Suite, who knows what to think? Personally, given how much Josh loves to spout off about God, I can see that being the case. That’s my call: that Josh is one of these hypocritical religious jerks who thinks it’s OK for him to sleep with whoever he wants, but not cool for ladies. Then again, I could be all wrong.
Either way, kudos to Josh for memorizing his PR talking points before showing up on Paradise.
92. Ashley I.
This is what it looks like when one person ruins an hour of TV.
“My goal this season is to only cry three times,” Ashley I. said to Chris Harrison.
Yeah, about that…
There’s nothing else to add. At first, I thought this was all acting, but I just don’t see how that’s possible. Either way, Ashley I. gave me a headache and if she’s not sent home during this Rose Ceremony, I might chuck my remote through my TV.
Lines of the Week
“I wanted everything to be easy.” — Amanda.
Maybe then spending half a calendar year on reality TV wasn’t the best idea for you. Then again, what do I know?
“Are you interested in having sex in the near future?” — Daniel to Ashley I.
“I think it comes off condescending… wait, what does condescending mean?” — Haley.
See y’all next week.