Let’s talk about the word “relationship.” If you’re reading this post, then chances are you’re a loyal Bachelor viewer. And if you’re a loyal Bachelor viewer, then chances are you’re pretty familiar with the word. We hear it all the time on the show, whether you’re watching The Bachelor, The Bachelorette or Bachelor in Paradise.

So what exactly is a “relationship”? Obviously, it depends. I’ll tell you what doesn’t count as a relationship, though: two people of the opposite sex canoodling for 24 hours. Same goes for two people who go on a single date.

“Jared just formed this great relationship with Caila,” Grant said to the cameras after Ashley I.’s arrival.

NO, NOT A RELATIONSHIP! They just met a day ago.

“I have this great relationship with Josh,” Amanda said to the cameras.

No, you don’t, you’ve said eight words to each other. NOT A RELATIONSHIP!

A “relationship” can’t be formed over one day; I don’t care how much tonsil hockey you guys are playing.

Please, Bachelor in Paradise contestants, stop throwing that term around.

On to this week’s Power Rankings.


Christian: He had the whole package. The looks, the abs, the obscene, Shaun T.-level energy. And yet he still lost out to a Canadian who enjoys shaving the backs of other dudes (more on that later).

Why does Christian keep falling short?

“I just want to know when Christian will find love,” he said to the cameras after being sent home.

Maybe if Christian stops referring to himself as Christian he’ll start doing a lot better.

Brandon: I still don’t really know who this dude is. All I do know is that the twins were able to pull a switcharoo on him last week and he didn’t catch on because he was too busy sounding like a teen movie stalker.


1. Amanda

Girl is certainly in demand. First, there was Nick. Then there was Josh. Then there was Josh’s tongue. Then we learned that Evan’s original plan was also to woo Amanda.

That didn’t go as planned for Evan, though it was kind of weird that Amanda had no problem pausing her makeout session with Josh so that she could follow Evan up to the treehouse date he had set up and listen to him tell her why he was into her and why Josh, according to the book written by formal bachelorette Andi, was bad news.

“She said he was a verbal abuser,” Evan said.

“Josh can be verbal?” Amanda replied. OK, I made that part up, but given what we’ve seen so far, I’m not sure Amanda is too concerned about Josh’s verbal skills.

Then again, that’s why Amanda is No. 1 here. She might be a candidate for worst mother of the year — humping and moaning and tongue-kissing on camera when you have two kids at home will do that — but at least she’s taking advantage of her time on Paradise.

One question, though: doesn’t making out get boring after a certain point?

2. Grant, 3. Lace

Now THIS is a couple. So far there’s no drama, though with Lace, it can’t be that far away.

Example No. 1: Lace’s decision to debrief Grant of the situation between Josh and Evan when Josh was sitting just one foot away.

“Oh, hi, Josh, I didn’t see you there,” she said.

Example No. 2: Lace wanting to throw down in a Mexican club.

Yeah, we haven’t heard the last of Lace.

4. Evan 

Evan, Evan, Evan. Where to even start?

We can talk about your decision to go for Amanda, literally while she had her tongue down Josh’s throat.

“I obviously see what’s going on with you and Josh and respect that,” he said to Amanda.

Yeah, I’m not sure you know what the word “respect” means.

We can talk about your incredible ability to repeatedly poke at the biggest, strongest and most macho man in the house, be it The Chad or Josh, both of whom could break you in half.

We can talk about you running around quoting a book — Andi Dorfman’s — that you reveal that you never read, meaning you’re cool just being one of the producer’s top puppets.

We can talk about your failed attempt to impress Carly with pushups.

We can talk about how every time a woman seems to have the tiniest morsel of interest in you, you run to the camera and tell us that you can’t wait to introduce said woman to your kids.

Or we can talk about your trip to the hospital and how that somehow turned Carly back onto you.

Instead, though, let’s talk about something else: how during previews for this season, the damn producers of the show completely altered the context of Evan’s hospital visit. I know, I know; that happens all the time, but this was even more egregious. Previews for the season made it seem that Chad had cut up Evan and forced him to go to the ER. Instead, it turns out that he has some swollen ankles and for some reason Mexican paramedics don’t know how to properly administer an IV.

What a buzzkill.

5. Jared 

Things were going well for him. He got a rose from Haley (I think was Haley) and then traded up for Caila and the two were beginning to form a (wait for it) “relationship.”

Then Ashley I. showed up, informed us that she was here for Jared and that she and Jared had hooked up in the past (and please, Chris Harrison, never use that phrase again. Dude, you’re old.) and even gotten to “second base” — and yes, she really said “second base.”

Now Ashley I. is getting all up in Jared’s business. If he knows what’s good for him, he’ll talk to the rest of the fellas before the next Rose Ceremony and make sure Ashley I. is being sent home.

6. Caila 

Locked Jared up, apparently thanks to her hair.

About Yaron Weitzman

Yaron Weitzman is a freelance writer based in New York whose work frequently appears on The Comeback, SB Nation and in SLAM Magazine. He's also been published on SB Nation Longform, The Cauldron, Tablet Magazine and in the Journal News. Yaron can be followed on Twitter @YaronWeitzman