Pop CultureBy Yaron Weitzman on

Let’s talk about reasons, and what make certain ones right. We hear the phrase “right reasons” tossed around all the time in the Bachelor universe.

Take this week’s Bachelor in Paradise episodes, for example. Nick accused Josh of being there for “the wrong reasons.” Caila told us that she doesn’t think Ashley I. is “here for the right reasons.” Haley and Emily sent themselves home because they didn’t want to stay in Paradise for the wrong reasons.

So, what qualifies as “the right reasons”? Ask any Bachelor contestant and they’ll toss out words like “love”, “relationship”, and “connection”, and the search for all three. That is supposed to be the selling point of this packaged garbage. The Bachelor is about helping men and women find love. Simple as that.

Except, well, not exactly. This, after all, is the 21st century. It’s a whole new world out there. Instagram is a thing. There are apps which exist for the sole purpose of helping complete strangers hook up. You no longer need skills to be famous. Also, if you have any interest in living a normal life then being famous kind of sucks.

Normal people don’t go looking for love on reality TV; normal people do it by sitting through the dozen dates your married friend’s wife set up with the hope that maybe, perhaps, one pans out.

Reality TV is for boosting your fame and social media profile, and facilitating introductions with Instagram models. That’s why you go on the Bachelor or Paradise. Anyone searching for love on a reality TV show is a moron. Those solely looking to get laid, or become more famous so that they can eventually get laid, are the ones there for the “right reasons.”

Now on to this week’s rankings.

GOING HOME

Caila & Jared

Now that’s how you call a man all in. Caila, sick of having Ashley I. sabotage her business, dropped a bomb on Jared after having another awkward one-on-one with Jared’s stalker: “I’m going home,” she said. “What you do is up to you.” And at first it looked like her play was going to backfire. Then, suddenly, Jared appeared out of nowhere…

And so Caila and Jared now get to live happily ever after. At least until they realize that moving the relationship off the island where the booze is flowing and cameras are rolling can lead to hiccups.

Haley & Emily

Honestly, I’m not even sure how the twins made it this far, though I did admire the emotions they brought to their goodbye speech. You can’t tell if they’re eulogizing a dead sibling or saying goodbye to a bunch of people they’ll see again in a month.

Haley and Emily certainly went out with a bang, though. With the show dragging, the producers decided to reignite the Questions About Josh Murray, and the twins turned out to be the perfect vehicle for doing so. Out of nowhere they approached Nick and asked his thoughts on Josh and Amanda. Nick told them he thought Josh is a jerk. The twins said thanks. Then, moments before leaving Paradise, they decided to pass along that info to Amanda, though they did keep their journalistic integrity. “We heard this from a source we trust,” they said. Look at Woodward and Bernstein over here.

Moments after tossing that grenade they were gone. Hopefully never to be heard from again.

Daniel

I’m going to miss Daniel, AKA Poppa Bear, AKA The Eagle, AKA I Have A Weird Thing With Animals.

Daniel never really connected with anyone in Paradise. He and Sarah had a chance, but he chose Haley over her last week for some reason, and since then has been operating on borrowed time.

That said, I did respect how he attempted to woo the ladies this week.

If I were the one handing out a rose, a plate of fried food would have worked. For a girl who looks like she weighs 110 pounds, well, not so much.

Carl

Goodbye, Carl, we hardly knew you.

Seriously, though, who are you?

Rob

The bro with the speckle of grey in his beard didn’t last on a show populated by 24-year old women.

STILL HERE

1. Nick

Forget everything that happened between him and Josh on Paradise. Nick has larger fish to fry now. We learned tonight during the After Hours show that Nick is going to be the next Bachelor. You know, because if you’re a 35 year old man who’s been on some version of the Bachelor three times why not give it one more big league try?

Still, this is the best thing that could have happened to Nick, short of him realizing that having your gravestone read Bachelor Veteran isn’t really something a man should want. But if that’s the route you’re going to take, and it certainly appears that this is who Nick wants to be, then might as well go all in. Nick is doing so. As for ladies, well, he’ll now have his pick.

2. Wells

Remember that whole conversation above about the “right reasons”? Well this is what I’m talking about. Wells, the newest addition to Paradise, came in strong and seemingly ready to make up for his timid nature around JoJo last year on the Bachelorette.

It started with Ashley I, though part of that might have been the entire island pulling an inception on him in the hope that someone could help cure Ashley I.’s craziness.

This was Wells’s first date — first of three! — and he ended it in style, though I could do without seeing him swallow her mouth whole.

Then there was Jamie, who asked Wells out with her date card. And then there was Shushanna. Wells came in strong. We have no idea who he’s going to give his next rose to, but also, who cares? Dude is dominating.

3. Evan

4. Carly

Evan is the real winner here. Dude is a penis doctor who has spent the past year being embarrassed on national TV. Yet here is, “falling in love.”

Of course, as my wife was quick to point out, falling in love is the easy part; it’s staying in love that’s hard. And she’s right. When Evan is living with Carly in an overpriced apartment with overstuffed closets and a shower drain clogged with Carly’s hair and still claiming he’s in love with her, that’s when I’ll take his feelings seriously.

5. Grant

6. Lace

Hey, look at that, a realistic fight and make up on The Bachelor. Who knew those could happen?

The issues go back to Lace and her combination of immaturity and insecurity. When she feels the latter, the former makes an appearance, in this case her hitting on other dudes in front of Grant, then telling him that maybe they should just end things.

“If it’s not meant to be then it’s not meant to be,” she says to her friends at one point, demonstrating to all that her emotional IQ is at the level of an eight-year-old.

But here’s where things actually got kind of cute: Grant, even though he knew he was right to be upset and even though he was frustrated by Lace trying to push him away, took the initiative and apologized to Lace for getting angry. She then reciprocated. They made up. She asked for a shot.

It was a real moment (aside from the shot, though considering locale it wasn’t too crazy) from a seemingly real couple. Something you don’t see very often in this universe.

7. Brett

Went on a date with newcomer Leah. Took a surfing lesson. Made out a little bit. Yawn. The only interesting thing this dude’s done all season was break up Izzy and Vinny by being so good looking, at least in Izzy’s eyes. Or, as she put it, “the perfect sketch of a man.” Speaking of Izzy…

8. Izzy

… yeah, how’s that decision to dump Vinny for Brett looking now? The moral of the story: don’t make rash decision based on sexual urges. Most people learn this the hard way, and not on national television.

9. Jamie

She seems to have the upper hand with Wells. Then again, he went on three dates with three different women in three days. Who knows what he’ll do.

12. Josh Murray

The Bachelor Robot erupted again. This time his temper was ignited by Amanda having the audacity to sleep alone.

“Alright, good talk.”

Then the next day Amanda confronted Josh with the info that the twins had passed along. Josh was infuriated, especially when Andi Dorfman’s book — which, again, accused Josh of being an emotional abuser — was brought up.

“To believe that stuff is like believing what you read in a gossip magazine,” he said.

Hmm, you mean like Us Weekly?

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10. Amanda

And still, Amanda, the one person here who actually has something to lose given the fact that she has two daughters at home, is falling for this tool.

More importantly, though: I take issue with the twins calling her “America’s sweetheart.” Exactly when and how did she earn that label? The twins and I must view these things differently.

11. Lauren H

12. Shushanna 

Arriving too late in the game to make any sort of real dent.

13.  Ashley I. 

She did everything she possibly could. She went after Jared, she went after the girls Jared liked, she cried to everyone. And still, here we are. Ashley will not leave Paradise with Jared. All we need now is for her to go home, too, and just leave us all alone.

Also, she said her favorite band is Hanson.

14. Jennifer

The man she’s with in Paradise, Nick, was just named the next Bachelor. I’m no expert but that can’t be a good sign.

Lines of the Week

“I think Caila is a bitchass whore of a friend.” — Ashley I.

“I know the spirit of my (dead) dog, Lucy, will help me on this journey.” — Ashley I. 

“How did I fall in love with a penis man?”— Carly

Is there another type that I’m not aware of?

“Your Instagram account is also phenomenal.” — Wells to Jamie

See ya’ll next week for the finale!

About Yaron Weitzman

Yaron Weitzman is a freelance writer based in New York whose work frequently appears on The Comeback, SB Nation and in SLAM Magazine. He's also been published on SB Nation Longform, The Cauldron, Tablet Magazine and in the Journal News. Yaron can be followed on Twitter @YaronWeitzman

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