Pop CultureBy Yaron Weitzman on

Intro to Psychology was back in session Monday night, albeit with a twist. For the first time all season, loyal viewers were deprived of a Rose Ceremony — all because Ben was a Captain Renault level of shocked, shocked, to find out that one of the girls in the house might be putting on act for him. But more on that later.

The episode kicked off with the 11 remaining ladies flying what looked like coach to Mexico City. Lord have mercy on the poor souls who were stuck on that flight. Once the group made it south of the border we were treated to a yet another aerial date — I’m pretty sure Ben is sexually aroused by heights — this one with Amanda in a hot air balloon. There, Ben did a great job of reciting all the historical facts the producers forced him to memorize the night before. It was actually impressive. And since the date started with a 4:30 a.m. wakeup call we got to see what all the gals look like sans makeup. Suffice to say some of them weren’t too excited about that surprise, especially Lauren H, who we now know sleeps with a retainer.

Next up was the group Spanish session, followed by a trip to a Spanish market to purchase some ingredients for a cooking competition where we learned that Olivia seems a bit too eager to eat crickets.

That was followed by a walk down the runway with Lauren H. in the episode’s second one-on-one date where Ben provided further proof that he is the living embodiment of Derek Zoolander.

After that it was time for the house to narc on Olivia. As a contrast to last week, there was lot of action in this one, and not just the lip kind. With that, let’s take a look at how the contestants now stand. As always, last week’s rankings are in parenthesis.

GOING HOME

  • • Jubilee (3): And somehow The Bachelor gets even whiter. As for Jubilee, guess she’ll have to go back to being a soldier afraid of heights. Which, come to think of it, is probably the real reason why Ben felt like he needed to send her home. He doesn’t know how to chill with ladies unless he’s in the air. Of course we all knew the black girl had no chance, but Jubilee’s strange behavior all season certainly didn’t do herself any favors. Rejecting a hand-hold from the Bachelor is like stringing up your own noose.

STILL HERE

1. Lauren B. (1): Last week’s leader holds on to her top rank. Lauren B. didn’t have much going on this week. But she did get in some good face sucking after taking Ben on a nice long stroll. More noteworthy was her performance during the cooking competition which impressed the Spanish judges. At this point I’m not sure Ben, who we’ve never actually seen eat, views food as anything more than decoration used to make couches seem more appealing for heart-to-hearts, but you have to imagine he eats at some points, right?

2. Becca (2): A relatively quiet episode for last week’s breakout girl. She and JoJo did get in some solid behind-the-back digs at Olivia, but other than that, Becca mostly stayed in the background this week. That said, she didn’t do anything to fall in the rankings either.

caila-bachelor

3. Caila (5): This now marks two weeks in a row where Caila stayed silent. Somewhere inside Jennifer is furious that another girl is stealing her strategy.

4. Amanda (9): Which is worse, leaving your kids to go on The Bachelor or leaving your spouse. My wife and I were debating that question while watching this week’s episode. I’m of the belief that any parent willing to on The Bachelor should have their kids taken away from them. My wife disagrees. Higgins clearly does, too.

So, what did we learn during Amanda and Ben’s little day trip/soiree? For one, something about Amanda’s cadence and word choice makes her sound like a Playmate talking about her kids. It’s not her fault, just the way it is. Also, her ex was an apparently an ass. And really bad at cheating.

amanda

We also had Ben upping his therapist game, at one point asking, “Do you find it hard to really focus on yourself?” I’m pretty sure he was simultaneously groping her thigh. Guess he didn’t make it to the ethics portion of Psychology.

Anyway, Amanda’s cute and sweet and all — though I’m not buying that B.S. about her not knowing the 4:30 a.m. wakeup call wasn’t coming and therefore not being able to put any makeup on — but we all know Ben’s got no interest in suddenly becoming a father of two. The problem he now faces is figuring out how to dump the mother of two without making it clear he’s doing so because she’s a mother. I’m guessing he performs some kind of Chris Nolan-type Inception on Amanda and gets her to remover herself from the competition. For the betterment of her kids, of course.

5. Olivia (4): And so we reach the star of the hour, the lady everything else revolves around. At this point what else is there to say? Yes, she’s crazy, or at least the show wants us to think she’s crazy. Everyone seems to know that. Everyone that is except the man looking for true love. Then again, if being fed crickets doesn’t tip Ben off I’m not sure anything will.

But while we’re here please allow me to go on this pro-Olivia rant. It’s time for the other ladies to quit crying and step up their games. Figuring out how to get one-on-one time with Ben is part of the show. Olivia’s clinginess (she’s always walking RIGHT next to him), her quick-reaction time — those are assets. Asking Ben if he wanted to be on her team during the cooking competition — that’s the name of the game. So is grabbing him first during every group date. And clearly the strategy is working; she earned her second group date rose of the season this week.

Of course, it now looks like Olivia might be in trouble after every other girl in the house used their one-on-one time with Ben to complain about Olivia. Ben responded by telling Chris Harrison he needs to speak to Olivia before the Rose Ceremony, which we never got to in this episode and now we have DRAMA. That or ABC just needed a good manufactured cliff-hanger. I’m betting on the latter. There’s nothing Ben loves more than himself. No way he’s willing to admit he was wrong this whole time.

In the meantime, here’s something to hold us over:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZUP2x98ep3Y

6. JoJo (6): That is what you call making the most of your opportunity. One minute you’re fading towards the background. The next you’re interrupting the Bachelor during one of his patented woe-is-me speeches and then shoving your tongue down his throat five minutes later. Well done, JoJo. Now about those high-fives…

8. Emily (8): Led the charge against Olivia. The line “Snitches get stitches” must not have made it to her town in Vegas. But the best part about Emily’s Week 5 performance was the complete disregard that she had for her recently deposed twin sister’s feelings. The first words we hear Emily utter this week are that she’s so excited that Haley is no longer there. Real nice. Then later on we see her call Haley to complain about Olivia, which is not unlike a big sister going with her family to Disneyland and then calling the little sister who was left behind and complaining about being cut in line.

Then again, maybe there’s a reason Haley is taking all this crap from her twin.

10. Lauren H (10): I promise you, Lauren, the teeth are not going to shift that much if you ignore the retainer for a month or so. Just leave it in your bag. It’s okay.

10. Jennifer (7): The good news: she finally spoke! The bad news: Ben has now heard her speak.

11. Leah (11): Are you familiar with the term borrowed time?

https://vine.co/v/iJaxnjazE0q

Lines of the Night:

1. “I’m no longer the Bachelor, I’m now the Spatular.”— Ben

Don’t make fun, that’s actually the wittiest line he’s put together all season.

2. “No, thank you.”—Ben to Lauren B…and Jubilee!

That’s more in your wheelhouse, big boy.

3. “I feel like it’s an episode of Teen Mom…You know, the show.” — Olivia. 

Oh, Teen Mom the show, not the Broadway play. Thanks for that extremely necessary clarification.

About Yaron Weitzman

Yaron Weitzman is a freelance writer based in New York whose work frequently appears on The Comeback, SB Nation and in SLAM Magazine. He's also been published on SB Nation Longform, The Cauldron, Tablet Magazine and in the Journal News. Yaron can be followed on Twitter @YaronWeitzman

View all posts by Yaron Weitzman