Pop CultureBy Yaron Weitzman on

And, just like that, JoJo’s field has been cut to eight. This, after sending home six (!) contestants on Monday night’s The Bachelorette.

First, though, I’d like to direct your attention to this New Yorker story on Sarah Gertrude Shapiro, a former Bachelor producer who created Unreal, Lifetime’s hit drama about life behind the scenes of a Bachelor-like reality show. It’s an excellent feature, but for our purposes here, there’s one part in particular that’s worth noting:

“Shapiro kept jalapeños or lemons hidden in her jacket pocket—dabbing something acidic in her eye allowed her to cry on cue, which helped elicit tears from the contestant. ‘I’d have arranged with the driver to have the song play just until I got a shot of her crying—then cut the music so I could start the interview,’ Shapiro explained. ‘They’d often tell us to drive up and down the 405 until the girls cried—and not to come home if we didn’t get tears, because we’d be fired.’ In hindsight, Shapiro said, being fired ‘would have been a great solution to my problems.'”

Why am I including this in these Power Rankings? Because we’ve reached the part of the season where the producers truly start earning their pay.

Week 4’s episode started with the fellas celebrating the return of Alex, who vanquished the house steroid monster, Chad, in a a two-on-one date with JoJo two weeks ago. The guys sang. They danced. They tossed protein powder into the woods.

Yeah, I’d say the rest of the guys were happy to see Chad go. My question, though: where’d they get this cake?

Also, you know that phrase “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch”? Well, in the world of The Bachelor/ette, we say “Don’t assume the producers won’t continue to stoke the flames.” Typically when someone loses in a two-on-one, they’re sent home from the spot of the date, never to be seen again.

Yet shockingly, Chad was permitted to walk back to the cabin where everyone was staying so that he could confront the guys — and, it seems, audition for the role of Psychotic Killer in Horror Film, too.

Whistling is one thing? But clawing at a door…

Man, I’m going to miss Chad. And it seems like the fellas might miss him a bit, too. You see, Chad was the group’s common enemy. Everyone’s attention and anger was directed at him. His presence allowed all the contestants to pretend that they were in this thing together. Only now, with him gone, do they seem to realize that, you know, they’re actually competing against each other. This week’s episode was about finding out who in the house has got the sharpest claws.

First, though, it was time for a rose ceremony (results below) and then a trip to Uruguay. Or Oh-rogue-ee, as Vinny pronounced it. There, JoJo invited Jordan and Robby onto individual dates and the rest of the guys spent an afternoon sand sledding. And probably dodging Zika mosquitos, too. That’s the only explanation I can think of for why they’d decide to sprint up this hill.

After that it was time to return to the hotel, where there just so happened to be a stack of gossip magazines left out.

Normally, there’d be nothing weird or suspicious about some magazines on a table. And it’s not like I expect this crew to be thumbing through the latest issue of The New Yorker or The Atlantic. One problem, though: Magazines aren’t allowed on The Bachelor/ette. Here’s a March 2015 story on the show, via The Week:

“While the show can’t force 25 to 30 singles to fall for the same guy or girl, it does do a fantastic job of eliminating distractions and creating an emotional pressure cooker where feelings are blown out of proportion. Contestants can’t have cell phones, use the internet, watch movies, or even read books, so they have no choice but to talk to each other, and to stew about their feelings for their Bachelor or Bachelorette, the object of their competitive affection. Getting rid of all outside distractions, contestants say, can speed up the process of developing real feelings.”

So not only are magazines suddenly permitted, but it just so happens that the ones left out have a story in them about how JoJo is reportedly still in love with an old boyfriend, ironically named Chad.

And here you thought the show was going to have trouble generating storylines now that Chad was gone? Also, I’d be willing to bet a nice sum of cash that this story was placed by the show’s producers, too.

The guys were shocked. “We need to find out the real reason she’s here!” barked the show’s walking Napoleon Complex, Alex. JoJo cried on camera. “I don’t want to be in magazines,” she said between tears.

I’d feel bad if, you know, she hadn’t voluntarily signed up to be the star of a reality TV show that is extensively covered by gossip magazines. She then made her way up to the guys’ suite and, barefoot and in her beige rope, explained to them who this Chad was — “My boyfriend before Ben’s season;” I just love that sentence — and how he was lying.

The guys all took turns one-upping each other in how they expressed sympathy. Everyone made jokes about how bad Chads are in general. Everyone was happy. Everyone, that is, except the following five men, all of whom got sent home (as always, last week’s rankings in parenthesis).

GOING HOME

Grant (7): He’s a firefighter. He’s tall. He’s good-looking. He’s got an eight-pack and nothing between the ears. Grant is everything you look for in a Bachelorette candidate.

Oh, he also happens to be black. Yeah, he never had a chance.

Vinny (10): Honestly, I’m amazed he made it this far. One thing: it might not have been the best idea for JoJo to send home the group’s barber. Who’s going to take care of Jordan’s magical hair, now that Vinny is no longer there?

Screen Shot 2016-06-21 at 9.08.31 AM

I mean, Vinny’s been gone for about an hour and look what’s already happened to Alex’s hair.

James F (11): He tried reading a poem to JoJo during his one-on-one time. I’m not going to quote it here, but it won’t surprise you to learn that James isn’t exactly the second coming of Robert Frost.

Also, I’m sure this poem will go over GREAT in the boxing gym that James runs back home. (It’s like these guys forget that millions of people watch this show.)

Daniel (12): Instead of writing something, I’m just going to leave this here and walk away.

Maybe now he and Chad can go back to discussing geopolitics.

Evan (13) : Poor Evan. All he wanted was to find a mother for his three kids and a queen to help him run his erectile dysfunction empire.

Instead, he leaves us crying about being sent home. Also, thanks to Chad’s ‘roid rage, down one shirt.

But seriously, dude, enough with the f*cking shirt.

STILL HERE

1. Jordan (1): Jordan was given the first individual date of the week. I’d say this clip sums up the whole day portion of it.

Then it was time for the sit around plates of food without touching them dinner part of the date and once again, our favorite failed QB was confronted. JoJo told Jordan she met an ex-girlfriend of his and that the ex told her that Jordan was a bad boyfriend. Obviously, she kept this info to herself for a month. She then asked Jordan what happened. He reacted by doing the one thing you’re not supposed to do when confronted with accusations…

But Jordan managed to salvage his date with one of the best defenses I’ve ever seen. He talked about how his issues in the past all centered around his failed football career. How he’s changed. He even channelled Ben Higgins and brought up his pastor. JoJo asked him if cheating was involved. Jordan said no. He then told JoJo that he’s “falling in love” with her. She looked into his eyes, at his perfectly styled hair, and hugged him. Then later on in the show, Jordan pulled JoJo aside and pinned her up against a wall.

Yeah, I’d say he’s still the favorite, even with the rest of the guys seemingly trying to gang up on him, now that Chad is gone.

See, here’s the thing: JoJo is a 24-year-old rich girl who frequents clubs in Dallas and is tight with Dallas Mavericks forward Chandler Parsons. She’s on a reality TV show. This isn’t someone looking for a mama’s boy who can stroke her hair. JoJo wants a man who looks good on the red carpet and on the cover of magazines. This is Jordan’s contest to lose.

2. Luke (2) : The next interesting thing he says will be his first. But JoJo does seem to like him. A lot. Also, Luke knows how to play the game.

“I’m going for seconds if you haven’t gone,” he said to Derek during the first Pre-Rose ceremony cocktail party. He was talking about speaking to JoJo, though I often say the same thing to my brother at family barbecues.

3. Robby (5): Robby got the second one-on-one date. Shockingly, there were bikinis (for JoJo, not Robby) and fireworks involved. He also became the first of the guys to tell JoJo he loves her and kissed her by a fountain in front of all the fellas.

Yeah, Robby’s here to stay.

4. Derek (3): Derek told JoJo that he was feeling insecure about their relationship — why he thinks she actually cares about any of their feelings, I’m not sure. It worked, though, as she rewarded him with the group date rose. “I’m giving this to someone who I think needs some reassurance,” she announced. Yeah, they didn’t like that.

“Derek’s an insecure little bitch,” Alex said to the camera. Alex and Chase also were annoyed by Derek’s decision to confront them about their issues with him right before the second cocktail party of the evening. They had more important things to worry, they said. The way they were acting, you’d think they were about to meet the President of the United States.

Anyway, Derek could be facing some choppy waters in weeks to come.

5. James Taylor (6): He seems cool, but again, as a singer/songwriter goofball, he’s just not the type of “cool” JoJo is looking for. He could be in trouble going forward.

6. Chase (4): He didn’t do much this week, except rip Jordan and Derek to the cameras. To be honest, the dude seems like a jerk. I’m expecting JoJo to soon learn that for herself.

7. Wells (8): Oh, Wells — you sweet, 5-foot-11, 110-pound radio DJ. It’s not your fault you’re not a chiseled 6-foot-2. What it does mean, though, is that right now you’re on borrowed time.

8. Alex (9): I actually think Alex is worse than Chad. Chad at least embraced the role of villain. Alex, on the other hand, is just an ass. First, he interrupted James’ one-on-one time with JoJo wile James was mid-poem. NOT COOL, though in hindsight he might have saved James some more embarrassment. He doesn’t like Jordan. He doesn’t like Derek. He thinks the show is rigged because there have been multiple football-focused group dates and therefore, Jordan has been allowed to shine.

All that said, without Alex the show would be a total snoozefest. So here’s hoping he figures out ways to stick around for a few more weeks.

LINES OF THE NIGHT

“I’m not here to compete with Jordan.” — Alex.

Um, do you not realize you’re on a reality show?

Everyone is speculating about JoJo’s real reasons for being on The Bachelorette. If [the magazine story] is true, no one’s going to think that she’s really here for love.” — Alex.

WHAT?! Not here for love?!

“There’s a big difference between saying you’re falling for me and falling in love.” — JoJo

See ya’ll next week!

About Yaron Weitzman

Yaron Weitzman is a freelance writer based in New York whose work frequently appears on The Comeback, SB Nation and in SLAM Magazine. He's also been published on SB Nation Longform, The Cauldron, Tablet Magazine and in the Journal News. Yaron can be followed on Twitter @YaronWeitzman

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