Here at The Comeback, a recurring feature called “The Millennial Review” has had young people reviewing movies like Top Gun and Point Break, classics that were released so long ago that it was before the millennials’ time. In the spirit of equal time, I, an old, will spend part of the summer reviewing movies (and other things) geared toward the millennial.

After offering insights into The Fault In Our Stars and Me And Earl And The Dying Girl, it’s time to delve into the 2012 baseball movie, Pitch Perfect.

Everything in entertainment is cyclical and the movie musical is no exception. There has been a resurgence in recent years, probably fueled by the TV show Glee, and it culminated in 2012 with the baseball musical Pitch Perfect. It earned $65 million on a $17 million budget, which speaks to how much young people love musicals and baseball.

When people talk about how baseball is losing the young audience because of things like a slow pace of play, ask them to explain how a baseball musical was so successful. It spawned a sequel — one that we will get to next week — and allowed the world to see the talented Anna Kendrick, although she barely picks up a baseball or bat at any point in this movie.

Despite my love of baseball, the singing ruined this movie for me. Perhaps it’s because I am an old that doesn’t think a sport as beautiful as baseball needs acapella to make it exciting and edgy. IMDb also lists this as a comedy, but that has to be one of those ironic nicknames, like when you refer to a fat person as tiny or Donald Trump as smart.

Let’s get into this.

THE PLOT

The 27-year-old Kendrick plays a college freshman (as I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to realize that I have no ability to guess the age of real-life young people because Hollywood casts old people to play teens in every movie) with a dream of becoming a baseball player that throws the perfect pitch. Unable to acquire a scholarship or spot on the school’s team (hello, sexism), she immerses herself in music and wants to be a DJ (not Derek Jeter, though).

As a matter of fact, everyone in this movie so old that you wonder if it the whole thing is some sort of fantasy story being told by a 38-year-old mental patient in a group therapy session for college dropouts. I get it, it’s just a movie, and actors who are in their late-20s, early-30s are better at their jobs than most actors in their late-teens, but goodness, everyone in this baseball movie is very old for a college movie.

Before Beca (Kendrick) starts her freshman year of college, Chloe (Brittany Snow, 26) and Aubrey (Anna Camp, 30) suffer a humiliating loss in the college acapella championships, which I’m sure is a real thing, when Aubrey projectile vomits on stage. Say what you want about how painfully unfunny this baseball movie is, vomit is always hilarious.

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So this acapella group, The Bellas, needs new blood for the following season, which is where Beca and Fat Amy (32-year-old Rebel Wilson) come into the story. Jesse (Skylar Astin, 25) is the annoying dork that you know ends up with Beca because this is a movie and not real life, but he joins the rival acapella group (seriously, this is a real movie with rival acapella) The Treblemakers, which is led by Bumper (29-year-old Adam DeVine).

This movie is so by the numbers that it shouldn’t surprise you to learn that the Bellas go back and win the national championship (there must not be a lot of competition, since one school is sending two groups) and Beca winds up with a guy who is basically the stereotypical nerd from Not Another Teen Movie that never gets noticed by the pretty girl.

But does Beca ever get to throw the perfect pitch in a baseball game? I will not spoil that.

THE BELLAS ARE ASSHOLES

Thirty minutes into this movie, and I’m not entirely sure why the audience should pull for the Bellas. The two old women running the group are bitches. Within the first 34 minutes of this movie, either Aubrey or Chloe do or say the following things:

  • They refer to a woman with oversized nipples as baloney tits, which is a thing Andrew Dice Clay would say in his act. They call her Baloney Barb. These girls suck.
  • While they don’t create the nickname Fat Amy, they certainly revel in being able to call her that. Fat Amy has been bullied all her life (more than 30 years!) so as a defense mechanism against shitty girls like this, she has to beat them to the punch.
  • They refer to Beca as “too alternative,” which is either code for her being a lesbian or a shot at her wardrobe. A girl in 2012 with more than one piercing??? My stars! Either way, I hate these girls.
  • Two girls are kicked out of the group for having sex with members of the Treblemakers. Is it possible this movie takes place in a co-ed prison and not a college? Why is anyone in this group putting up with this?

  • In a scene that is amazing on a lot of levels, Chloe attacks Beca in the shower and forces her to sing naked to her. If this scene existed in a late-night Cinemax movie about a women’s prison, it would be weird. In a light-hearted comedy about people singing, cornering a naked woman and making her sing to you in the shower is the start of an R-rated crime movie.

Also: There’s a whole lot of things that require you to suspend disbelief. Hard. There’s everyone’s age, the fact that acapella singing is this thing everyone is dying to do, that they all live together in the same dorm, and that Beca’s dad is a teacher at this school and likes to just drop by his daughter’s dorm room unannounced.

Also also: Thirty-four minutes into this movie, and there are like two laughs and zero scenes on a baseball field. You have to really love baseball and music to get through this.

THE TREBLEMAKERS ARE ASSHOLES

Within the first 34 minutes of this movie, either Bumper or some nameless dude in the group says or does the following things:

  • Benji (played by an actual teen, Ben Platt) is a big fan of the Treblemakers. He works up the courage to approach them on campus and Bumper treats him like shit. Is Benji the sort of character a computer would spit out if you asked it to design a movie nerd? Yes. But still, he’s got feelings and was telling you singing losers how much he likes you and you told him was weird. Get lost, dicks.
  • During auditions, a woman that is CLEARLY A WOMAN walks on stage. She’s got a hat on, but you can tell she is a woman. One of the nameless Treblemakers is all like, “Check out this dude.” Then she takes the hat off and he’s like, “Guess it’s not a dude.” Yeah, GUESS NOT. Go post on a right-wing conservative blog, jerkoff.

  • Bumper hits Fat Amy with a sandwich.

Again, you have to really suspend disbelief and accept that in this world a bunch of men and women in their late-20s pretending to be college kids are the cool people on campus.

SINCE YOU’VE BEEN GONE

I’m including this here so you can get a feel for how nothing in this movie makes sense. A bunch of people audition by singing Kelly Clarkson’s “Since You’ve Been Gone” and everyone singing is good at singing. One girl is crying as she sings (for comedy) and another girl speaks super softly (more comedy) but overall, everyone is talented.

Yet look at the facial expressions of the cool kids watching. Why are you repulsed? They are all good. Anyway, this movie sucks. Beca would never hang out with these people and she’d never get involved with Jesse. Everyone is unlikeable. It’s probably why Beca remains motivated to play baseball later in the film.

43 MINUTES INTO THE MOVIE

I don’t want to do this anymore. There’s real baseball on as I watch this, a baseball movie. Beca is tormented by what exactly is the perfect pitch — a fastball on the corner, a curveball that drops into the strike zone, or a slider that finishes off the plate but draws a swing and miss.

Hang on, there is now a singing battle happening in an empty pool.

52 MINUTES INTO THE MOVIE…

Oh man! Jesse and Beca almost kissed! But they didn’t! I wonder if they commit to their feelings at some point!

This movie isn’t an hour old yet, and already I can tell you it’s 30 minutes too long.

And look! The play-by-play team that totally would broadcast a regional acapella competition TV is back.

69 MINUTES INTO THE MOVIE…

Our first baseball scene! Beca skips a practice when she sees a story in the local newspaper about the school’s best pitcher needing elbow surgery. She runs to the field and finds the coach (Jon Voight) and convinces him to let her try out.

The whole team gathers around as she steps to the mound. It doesn’t go well. Beca is too consumed by the idea of throwing the perfect pitch and struggles. But she shows enough movement and moxie to earn a spot on the team. She doesn’t tell the Bellas for fear they would kick her out of the group.

Fun note: Kendrick is only 5-foot-2 and has a small build, but no special effects were used in the tryout scene. She really throws 95 mph. Good for her. She trained hard and it shows.

THE BIG FINISH

Oh no, Beca left the group! She’s mad at Jesse for some reason! I sure hope this is resolved in the last 30 minutes of this 113-minute movie.

After nine months of rejection, Jesse has Beca at his door apologizing and suddenly he has self-respect? He blows her off? Well, there are 30 minutes left in the movie, so we may as well hold off. I can’t believe how long this movie is.

I’m falling asleep, so the Bellas win and everyone realizes the importance of teamwork and opening yourself up to new things and Jesse and Beca have a graphic 15-minute sex scene on a baseball field.

FINALLY, SOME STRAY THOUGHTS

  • There’s an honest-to-goodness part where a truly old group of singers is confronted by the Treblemakers, who are all old as well. This movie is not self-aware.
  • The character of Beca’s roommate feels offensive to me. I’m not sure how, but it just is.
  • How does the quiet girl make the team?
      • Is any of this supervised? In theory, these are college-aged kids driving around in buses with no teachers or deans or whatever along for the ride. How do they get funds for the trips and costumes?
      • Why would the Treblemakers, who are dicks at all times, turn around to pick up the Bellas when the bus runs out of gas? Like, three minutes earlier, Bumper drills Fat Amy with a sandwich. Why does she want to call him of all people for help? Why would they give them help? I get that Bumper/Amy have a weird attraction thing happening, but pelting a 32-year-old girl with a sandwich when you’re a 29-year-old man seems like a bad courting option.
      • The “hands in” bit is used about 100 times too many.
      • Is the nodes stuff serious or a joke? I honestly can’t tell and don’t want to look it up.
      • I know nothing at all about the rough and tumble world of competitive acappella, but why would a group use the same song year after year? Doesn’t everyone install a new routine? They did in Bring It On. And why use the same routine that led to a puking a year earlier? Bring It On was a great movie.
      • I get that it’s a musical, but man there are a lot of music montages.

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    • There was probably a production meeting at some point during filming to discuss if this was too much puke on the floor and someone with power said, “No, it’s fine. Just make it in the shape of South America.”
    • Oh, you’re probably wondering if Beca ever throws the perfect pitch. It’s one of those post-credits scenes like in Marvel movies, but it’s so worth the wait. She’s on the mound in Omaha. College World Series. Bases loaded. Two outs. Her team ahead by one. It’s a 3-2 count. She gets the sign. She comes set. She picks up her leg and delivers the pitch. The ball zooms into the camera from the catcher’s perspective. It cracks the lens. “To be continued in Pitch Perfect 2” flashes on the screen. So it’s a cliffhanger. Heck of a baseball movie.