Pop CultureBy Dave Lozo on

Am I old? You bet. Do I have what one would consider a masterful understanding of the things young people love? Not even close. I don’t think I’ll ever comprehend the box office success of Pitch Perfect 2 or young men’s penchants towards lengthy beards or dying their hair white.

I am old. I’m not completely out of touch — I could explain Harambe memes to any member of your family — but there’s one thing millennials love that my mind simply cannot process.

Snapchat.

It’s stupid. It’s pointless. I mean, everything is pointless, as all we do is designed to distract us from the reality that we will inevitably die, very likely slowly while our children squabble over who gets the mansion in the Hamptons and who pays for our funeral on the moon.

Hey, I choose to dream big.

snapchat_phone

But not only is Snapchat pointless, it’s at best redundant and at worst the thing that will destroy our country from the inside. I’m convinced Snapchat’s popularity is a conspiracy driven by people who work in social media, who are all millennials. We blame too many things on millennials, but they are to blame for Snapchat and why it’s become acceptable to ignore a 22-second voicemail.

However, I also get that after you read this, young people will @ me on Twitter to give the obvious explanation about why this function or that function is highly useful. I will cut that off that pass later.

For now, here are all the reasons Snapchat makes no sense and why you should create some space on your phone and delete it.

A FALSE SENSE OF SEXTING SECURITY

Is it even sexting when it’s on Snapchat? Do you have to add text? Like, do you have to add, “Dick’s out for Harambe?” to your tasteful bathroom nude for it to technically be a sext? Who cares. What’s the first thing you remember hearing about Snapchat?

“It’s this thing that allows you send pictures and videos and they disappear after 10 seconds.”

“That’s great! Better get some manscaping done, as it’s time to share my penis and balls with the world without fear of-“

“Oh, but anyone can take a screenshot and save the pictures.”

“Never mind then.”

People laud Snapchat for being a wonderful vehicle for sharing genitals, which seems like that’s the only reason it came into existence. But pictures disappearing immediately is counterintuitive to the intimate exchange of naked photos in the first place.

You’re hooking up with someone. You reach a point where you begin sending and receiving nudes. You use Snapchat so you can add your nude bitmoji and paint your wang various colors. Or you want to get cute and make a video that’s a closeup of your chest while you sing, “We built this titty on rock and roll!” However, despite you being OK with them doing that thing with their knuckle that makes you wonder why you didn’t try that years ago, you don’t want them to experience your naked majesty for more than seven seconds.

It lacks logic. You trust this person enough with nudes but only for mere seconds? And at any point, they can press two buttons and save it forever anyway. And if you do see that screenshot notification on a nude, is that grounds for breaking up? Or cutting off the flow of nudes? If so, if the situation was that fragile, why are you sending your bits in the first place?

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I don’t think anyone should have to look at my pasty nude body for more than one second, never mind 10 seconds, so the limited window for observing works for me. And it’s fun for the person on the other end, because when you see a blinding white image that’s somewhat blurry for one second, it’s like a real ghost has infiltrated your phone. It’s like you’re looking at a clue from an episode of Scooby-Doo.

But why you wouldn’t just text some fun pictures/videos to each other is beyond me. Keep the videos short — do a nude running man for six seconds — and space shouldn’t be an issue. Then when you eventually break up, you both make the unspoken agreement to delete them after no more than one (1) week (but you don’t). The nude Snapchat business doesn’t make any sense to me. It’s built on a lie.

THAT’S NOT REALLY A STORY

There’s no bigger misnomer than “Snapchat story.” It should be called “Snapchat A Bunch Of Shit I Saw Today That’s Not Connected In Any Way, Shape Or Form That You Can’t Possibly Care About.” Sometimes the stories are fine, as they actually chronicle a fun thing someone is doing, like going to a concert or a sporting event, although why you felt the need to take nine photos and four videos at a Chiefs preseason game remains a question.

But your coffee, bagel, office, train ride, lunch, sunset and package that came in the mail are not a story. Maybe one of those photos or videos rises to the level of Instagram post. What makes it even better is watching it, then re-watching because each segment was four seconds and you think, “That was stupid. Let me watch it again because I probably missed something in this story while I was soaking in the text, bitmoji, three emojis and cloud you drew on top of the scenic view of Wichita Falls.” I did not.

Not everything (and probably nothing) happening in your day is worthy of a 13-step Snapchat story. Maybe one thing per week is. Instagram is a pretty awesome social media platform that allows you to pick and choose a photo or short video to share with people for way longer than 10 seconds. Your Instagram friends can look at your images at a leisurely pace without glancing up at a god damn countdown clock that applies way too much pressure and finality around your Starbucks cup with your name misspelled.

Sometimes, a Snapchat story has more twists than an M. Night Shyamalan movie and is just as incoherent. It’s a bagel then a donut then a view of a city then a cat then a dog then a cat and a dog then it’s Draymond Green’s dick and then it’s your baby then it’s you with that flower filter on your head and then it’s Draymond Green’s dick with the flower filter on its head. It’s all too much.

THE SNAPCHAT-GENERATED CONTENT

When friends are doing the Snapchat, I’m not looking for gold every time. I keep saying, “Just post that to Instagram,” but it’s not like my personal Instagram is loaded with hilarious photos and beautiful images of a child staring wistfully at their first snowfall. We’re all just regular people doing regular things.

But the stuff Snapchat touts in its Discover section looks like stuff Clickhole or The Onion would create to make fun of Snapchat. Are brands paying Snapchat for this? Looking at it right now, here are some examples:

  • From Cosmopolitan: 9 Things He Says vs. What He Actually Means
  • From People: 10 Completely Confusing Jelena (Note: WHO THE F IS JELENA?) Moments
  • From Refinery29: What You Don’t Know About Your Period
  • From Tastemade: Would You Try These Crunchy Bugs?
  • From MTV: Nicki Minaj’s Near Nip-Slip

Do I want to look at Nicki Minaj’s almost nipples? You bet I do! Do I want to do so through a clickbait (or is tapbait?) vehicle on Snapchat that almost definitely is nipple-free anyway? Not at all.

There’s one good Snapchat story that I like, the one ESPN does on college football Saturdays. I’m not even a college football guy but it’s a bunch of clips from all around the country of fans tailgating or in raucous stadiums. It’s usually long and after a while I reach my saturation point of college bros screaming WOOOOOOO but it’s fun. That’s also my policy on going to bars these days.

VOLUME

This is totally my most Old Man Yells At Cloud segment, but I hate that Snapchat requires me to unmute my phone so I can listen to you narrate your escalator climb at the zoo. I believe a good iPhone is a 24/7 muted iPhone and I wish you’d respect my religious beliefs.

Speaking of volume-related annoyances…

CONCERTS

Nobody needs six 10-second videos from the Swedish House Mafia show. Heck, one 10-second video of a concert is a complete waste of your time, my time, the band’s time and the child prisoner that made your phone’s time. I hate to break this to you, but phones do not record the sharpest video, and the microphone isn’t designed to capture crisp sounds from the upper bowl at the football stadium.

You want to record a song and post it to YouTube? We’re all on board with that. I am totally your audience for that 19-minute rendition of “Jimi Thing” at a Dave Matthews show that drains your phone’s battery. But when you send someone 235 seconds of grainy video from Lolla, you’re basically asking your friends to throw their phones out of a moving train.

It’s just weird that Instagram and YouTube and Facebook and Twitter are always better options for anything you’d want to do on Snapchat, which is somehow the fourth-most popular app in the world. That must be entirely attributed to the safety in nudes idea. If you’re creating a new app, just add, “but you can safely send and receive nudes,” and you’ll be a millionaire.

“It’s Angry Birds, but you can safely send and receive nudes.”

Actually, no one do that. I’m about to become a billionaire.

TWITTER SETTING ME STRAIGHT

There are other minor issues but not enough to rant any further. Now is when we will begin to address the replies on Twitter that tell me all the great things about Snapchat my decomposing brain fail to grasp.

Sure. Face swap. All the filters that make you look old or whatever. I get that.

I believe this. “I’m not expected to be good at this, so I do it for fun whenever I can.” That’s my attitude toward sex, so I’d be a hypocrite if I said this wasn’t a reason for liking Snapchat.

You’re starting to lose me. Who said texting is always supposed to be fun? How does a photo add to it? Also, you can add photos to texts. I’m all for unbridled narcissism, but I don’t need a lot of bells and whistles for chatting with friends about baseball or arranging a time to meet at a bar.

This is a big one. “You don’t have to save photos and take up space on your phone.” Do you realize how much space Snapchat takes on your phone compared to a photo? And you can delete a photo whenever you want? I do it all the time. It takes less than a minute. You don’t need Snapchat.

Sorry, but this is yet another example of millennials not willing to work hard. Back when I was a kid, if I wanted to draw on my dog, I’d have to corner my dog and pour a can of paint on him. Ever run a brush over a furry dog because you want him to look like Falcor from The Neverending Story? That’s why my generation is more focused and driven, I guess!

https://twitter.com/nolanmatt34/status/767511360217485316

You can’t possibly build the fourth-most popular app off this.

This is a very clever way of telling me to give up writing.

https://twitter.com/Calamormine/status/767499873402941440

There is no form of photo communication that requires you to save photos.

Can someone please give me ONE really good reason why Snapchat exists and is this popular?

https://twitter.com/avolosk/status/768230204951109632

Fine. Snapchat is for nudes.

About Dave Lozo

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