ABC’s Shark Tank is back for a new season, and so are our recaps at The Comeback. Here we go with season eight of our favorite Friday night entertainment!

The Shiver: Tonight’s group of sharks is up to a whopping six for the first time: Dallas Mavericks owner and tech-sector maverick Mark Cuban in his usual stage-right chair, apparel king Daymond John, real-estate impresariess Barbara Corcoran, venture capital mogul Kevin ‘Mister Wonderful’ O’Leary, QVC Queen Lori Greiner and at the end of the line, infosec entrepreneur Robert Herjavec.

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The Bait: A beer fizzificator, on-demand comfort food, a cross between Crocs and sandals and a solution for cyberbullying.

Company: Phillip Petracca & David McDonald, “Fizzics”

Seeking: $500,000 for a 4 percent stake

These inventors have an amazing claim: Put any standard growler, bottle or can of beer, and their machine vends it with a tap-smooth pour, plus a perfect head induced by sonic waves:

In just eight months of selling at a $199 price point, Fizzics has racked up an incredible $3.2 million in sales, with a profit over $200,000. They’re looking to do a whopping $9 million in sales over the next year, which explains the $12.5 million valuation. All the Sharks are given samples of the same beer, one straight out of the container and one poured with Fizzics. All agree: It works.

The pair have had applied for U.S. and global utility patents, they’ve closed a seed round of funding, they have a principal investor… so Daymond wants to know what any experienced Tank-watcher wants to know: WHY. ARE. THEY. HERE.

McDonald has the answer: “There are many investors, but there’s only one Shark Tank.”

Well, DUH, but the Sharks don’t generally take kindly to boardroom-hardened pros looking for free exposure. They want close partnerships with budding investors, a firm hand in the operations and big payoffs.

Robert offers the $500,000, but for twice the stake, eight percent. They scoff, pointing out they could get better debt elsewhere. Well DUH, but that’s why you’re on Shark Tank! Mr. Wonderful talks up his wine biz, and matches Robert’s offer.

“I’m wild about the product,” Barbara says, “but I’m not wild about you. I feel like you’re too slick.”

Shots fired?! Sounds like it’s time for Season 8’s first DRAMATIC COMMERCIAL BREAK!

Barbara says she trusts her gut. She’s out. Daymond can barely get a word in to tell Petracca he’s out, too:

Lori makes the same offer the other two have: $500,000 for eight percent. Petracca says they want to get into Bed, Bath & Beyond, where he knows Lori has a great relationship. Cuban offers $800,000 for 10 percent—do the math, that’s a higher valuation—and says Lori can get in on it if she wants (and she immediately says she wants).
Finally, the creators put it all out there: They’re trying to close a full A round of funding of $2 million at 16.67 percent. Would they be interested in…? Mark and Lori immediately agree: They’ll go halfsies on that whole amount.

Swim or chum? It’s an instant yes, leaving Robert sputtering that he wanted in, too. SWIM.

Should you buy? This was a bummer of a presentation because it was so corporate—no underdog, mom-and-pop or rags-to-riches stuff here. But hot damn, Daddy wants him one of those beer machines! SHOULD BUY.

Company: Marti Wyman & Scott Gustafson, “Spoonful of Comfort”

Seeking: $400,000 for a 10 percent stake

In October of 2007, Wyman’s mother was diagnosed with cancer. But she lived thousands of miles away, and none of the usual deliverable things made sense: Flowers, candy, fruit, etc. Wyman wished she could deliver a home-cooked meal of chicken noodle soup, like her mother would have made for her. Wyman’s mother passed six weeks later.

Well, problem solved: Spoonful of Comfort offers an enormous, enough-to-feed-a-whole-family-twice jar of premium chicken noodle soup, plus rolls, cookies, etc. What’s it cost? Just $69.99, and—record scratch.

What? Seventy bucks for soup? A can of Progresso’s like three dollars. Of course, that’s what it costs for a family of five to roll through a Fazoli’s twice, so as long as shipping’s free that makes sense.

Shipping is $15. Woof.

Gustafson admits he’s actually the angel investor in this situation: He’s put in $500,000 initially, plus another $800,000, and now owns 60 percent of the business—but they burned through his $1.3 million trying to grow. They partnered with a national daily deal site, selling at $35 when their unit cost is $31. It was a great success in sales, but sapped them of cash. Worse, practically none of the daily-deal buyers ever bought again at full price.

“I believe this business is going to fail,” Barbara says. Cuban, in fact, tells them they’re in the wrong business entirely:

The Sharks drop like flies: The costs are too high, and so the price point is unfixably high, there are too many moving parts in the supply chain, etc. etc. etc. Mister Wonderful notes every Shark in the room has a food-delivery business of some sort, and the one thing they can’t fix is a product people don’t want to buy.

Swim or chum? “I don’t know how to help you reduce your customer acquisition cost,” he says. He’s the last out. CHUM.

Should you buy? The pricing and scale just don’t work: Someone you love is going through a rough patch, so you buy them enough soup to feed the Duggar Family and with the change left out of a hundo you can barely afford to get yourself Panera? SHOULD NOT BUY.

Company: Justin Kittredge, “iSlide”

Seeking: $500,000 for a 5 percent stake

“Our motto is ‘Stand in what you stand for,” Kittredge says, because his company’s customizable “slides” (foam rubber sandal thingys) are all about self-expression. You can drop practically any message or Internet graphic on these slip-on kicks and rock out. DJ Khaled is a fan.

Kittredge claims superstar Pittsburgh Steelers wideout Antonio Brown is too, “and you can ask him yourself someday.” Um, what? When I next run into Antonio Brown, I can ask him if he likes rubber sandals?

Kittredge’s Boston accent leads Daymond to ask if he used to work at Reebok. The answer is yes, giving him instant credibility.

Over three years, iSlides boast $1.5 million in sales. Mister Wonderful points out his valuation is 10 times his current annual revenue, which, uh, no. He’s not getting that valuation tonight. He boasts of profitability, but it’s only 75 grand. Mister Wonderful can’t get over the ask: “How did you get to a $10 million valuation?”

It’s time for the second DRAMATIC COMMERCIAL BREAK.

All six Sharks are still in, but — ANTONIO BROWN WHAT:

Traffic held him up! He vouches for the shoes! It is #relevanttoourinterests here at The Comeback!

Lori, sadly, brings the proceedings back down to Earth.

“There’s nothing stopping anyone else from doing this,” Lori says, and she’s right. She’s out. Robert offers $500,00 for 20 percent. Kettridge starts in on his personal story, but the Sharks tell him to be quiet! They’re offering! Make a deal! He again tries to sell them on himself—Reebok laid him off, he’s pursuing his dream, etc.—but the Sharks don’t bite.

“You’re asking us to pay today for tomorrow’s value,” Barbara says. She’s out. Justin starts in on his personal story again, and again they try to tell him to shut his trap and take Robert’s offer. He plows ahead:

About Ty Schalter

Ty Schalter is thrilled to be part of The Comeback. A member of the Pro Football Writers of America, Ty also works as an NFL columnist for Bleacher Report and VICE Sports, and regular host for Sirius XM’s Bleacher Report Radio. In another life, he was an IT cubicle drone with a pretentious Detroit Lions blog.