Pop CultureBy Yaron Weitzman on

Vegas, baby! Except, well, not so much. On paper this episode looked like gold. Ship off the 15 remaining ladies to Sin City and see what happens. Unfortunately for us viewers, not much did.

JoJo was the first gal to be granted a one-on-one date with Ben — that is if you consider a dinky helicopter ride a date. Why Higgins is so obsessed with aerial transportation is unclear. He’s made out with more girls in the sky this season that he has on land. Maybe by next week he’ll be more successful in figuring out how to get that lip-action going over the headset and microphone.

As for the rest of JoJo’s date… was there even a second activity? If so it certainly wasn’t a memorable one. Or at least not as memorable as the group “talent” — and I use that word lightly — show. Olivia was the clear star of the event, but more on that later.

In the second half we were treated to an ordained Ben marrying off a bunch of weirdoes in Vegas and then asking Becca why, exactly, she’s still a virgin. And of course Becca ate it all up. Then Ben brought the twins back to their Las Vegas home and essentially asked their mother to tell him which one was better so that he could leave the other one behind. Dude’s got class.

Mostly, though, we were treated to Ben acting like the creepy undergrad Psych major trying to get in the pants of a bunch of vulnerable girls. First off, it’s weird, especially when you remember that this dude is still just 27. But more problematic are all the snooze-inducing scenes that result from Ben being unable to mutter phrases other than “it’s important to feel.”

Hopefully next week’s episode features some more action. But for now here are the ladies who were sent home, followed by power rankings for the 12 remaining contestants (with last week’s ranking in parenthesis).

 

haley-bach

GOING HOME

  • Haley (12): If Ben was truly as wise as he likes to pretend he is, he would have pulled a King Solomon and sent Emily home for being cool with him dumping her twin sister.
  • Amber (9): Don’t cry, Amber, there’s always next year. And the year after that. And the one after that. And all those Bachelor in Paradise seasons too. At this point you might as well turn this into a career anyway.
  • Rachel (13-15): I honestly have no memory of anything this person has done. But I did learn after she was kicked off that she’s 23 and unemployed. Maybe focus on the job first, then deal with the whole finding a husband thing.  

 

emily-bach
Note: Not the same person as above.

STILL HERE

1. Lauren B (2): Not much airtime for last week’s star. But a strong performance nonetheless. She nabbed a group date rose – always a good sign – and was on the receiving end of one of Ben’s attended hump-hugs. Dropping an “I’m falling for Ben” to the camera was a smart move. Coming off as a Stage-Five Clinger…not so much.

2. Becca (7): This week’s biggest riser. First off she used her one-one-one date with Ben as an opportunity to prove that she can read. Savvy move there separating herself from some other ladies in the house. She also really impressed Ben with her ability to stand in the background and do nothing but pat him on the back — qualities he’s apparently looking for in a wife.

One red flag, though: she seemed a bit spooked when Ben got down on one knee for his gag and even said afterwards that she was happy that she didn’t have to say yes to marrying him on their first date. That’s cool and would normally be fine if, you know, she wasn’t A CONTESTANT ON THE BACHELOR!

3. Jubilee: The claws are coming out. Took out Becca with her glorious “she’s the perfect person to be wearing white” line and clearly has Ben’s attention. And we learned she plays the cello. It seems like this woman can do everything — everything except the one thing Ben desperately wants her to: open up.

4. Olivia (3): And so we arrive at Olivia, a woman so insane words can’t do her justice. An entire column could be devoted to the crazy things she says, from her analysis of “pity hugs” to “I’m zen with Ben.” By the time she’s done with him Higgins will have less hair than Matt Lauer.

And the scariest part of all this is that it doesn’t seem like this is all her playing up for the camera. Poor girl started the episode off as a confident woman. Then she threw on an outfit out of an Aladdin wet dream and jumped out of a cake.

A few minutes later she was having a panic attack, crying about pity hugs and acknowledging that she has no talent. Here’s the most important question, though: what station hired this nut as a newscaster?

5. Caila (10): She only got a little screen time but certainly made the most of it, and by making the most of it I mean she spent more time sucking on Ben’s mouth than listening to him use it. Smart move, too. “She’s like a sex panther,” said Ben. Yeah, Caila knows what she’s doing.

6. Jojo (11): The one-on-one date gave her some time to shine, but she didn’t make much of her opportunity. You could see Ben’s eyes glossing over every time she spoke. Either that, or he was visually undressing her. It was hard to tell this week. Ben was especially frisky. Then again maybe JoJo is doing something right. After their date Ben complimented her “charisma, intelligence and humor.” I must have missed those parts. All I heard was a woman willing to make out on National TV whine about being insecure.

7. Jennifer (8): My sleeper lives. Once again she barely said a word all episode. Once again she moves on. I’ll repeat what I wrote last week: Ben, clearly, wants to get her into his fantasy suite. Don’t underestimate how strong that motive can be.

8. Emily (4): Forget, for a moment, her willingness to throw her sister/workout partner under the bus.

Instead let’s focus on what might be the best line of the season. It came early in the episode during the montage where we learned just how close these Emily and Haley are. At one point one of them said, “we have the same job.” What job is that exactly?

God, this show is the best.

9. Amanda (6): It’s never a good sign when the only time you appear in an episode is when the Bachelor reaches over you to hand a rose to someone else.

That said, all isn’t lost for our favorite mother of two. She apparently gets a one-on-one with Ben next week and was the first name he called during the rose ceremony. Her odds remain long given the fact that she has two kids. But don’t count Amanda out yet.

10. Lauren H (13): Can we all agree that this is just Ashley Tisdale under an alias?

11. Leah (14): I don’t know who you are, and if I don’t know who you are you can bet Ben doesn’t. Step up your game, girl.

 

omgface

Lines of the Night

3. “I read a lot of romance novels where everything comes together. That would be gigantor for me.”— Olivia

Yep, she said gigantor.

2. “It’s good to feel.” — Ben

That’s deep, bro.

1. “I’m intrigued by you — Ben to Jubilee 

Dude, we get it, you don’t have any black friends.

About Yaron Weitzman

Yaron Weitzman is a freelance writer based in New York whose work frequently appears on The Comeback, SB Nation and in SLAM Magazine. He's also been published on SB Nation Longform, The Cauldron, Tablet Magazine and in the Journal News. Yaron can be followed on Twitter @YaronWeitzman

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