References to protein. Dudes threatening each other. Opening up about past relationships. This week’s episode of The Bachelorette had everything you could possibly want, plus more. The obvious star: Chad, who’s gleefully accepted the role of Villain-in-Chief. But we’ll get to him in a bit. First, a quick recap of Week 2’s events.

The episode got off to a hot start. (Get it?) Somebody blew up a limo for some reason. The men all came running out. One particularly bright soul could be heard asking, “She’s not in there, right?” God, I wish I knew who that was.

So where was JoJo? On the incoming firetruck, of course, decked out in full firefighter gear. “I hear you need some help with your hose,” she said. Ok, she didn’t actually say that, but she might as well have. All that’s missing from this scene is Dirk Diggler.

The point of this little stage job? The first group date of the week was set to take place in firefighter training school. What running around in 100 pounds of gear under the scorching sun had to do with dating? No idea. But it was fun to watch the guys pretend to save JoJo, I guess. Until Wells, the radio DJ who looks like he weighs about 90 pounds and one of the few contestants who doesn’t seemingly ingest protein shakes five times a day, almost died of heat exhaustion/dehydration.

But hey, it’s not easy to win JoJo’s heart. If you’re not willing to die for her by going through some firefighters obstacle course, then maybe you’re not exactly husband material. You know who proved that he’s husband material? Grant, who finished in first — though he is a firefighter in real life, so this whole thing seemed a bit unfair. 

As for those dudes not invited to the first group date, well, they spent their afternoon exactly how you’d expect a bunch of good-looking, ripped men living under one roof to: by sitting shirtless poolside and writing a song together about the girl they’re all fighting for, and by “writing,” I mean just chanting the name of the girl while someone occasionally strums a guitar.

The Jordan Rodgers fist pump at the end is my favorite part. That, and the fact that someone is actually holding a yellow pad and a pen so that these “lyrics” can be written down.

Later on, JoJo gave Derek the first individual date of the season. More on that in a bit. Then it was time for the second group of guys to head to ESPN’s L.A. headquarters (can you say: cross-branding?) where they visited the set of SportsNation and were put through a camp-like Bachelorette obstacle course to prove themselves to JoJo, but also to ESPN’s Max Kellerman and Marcellus Wiley, who at the end of the date gave their own Bachelorette Power Rankings. Real original, guys. And anyway, everyone knows that the true Bachelorette Power Rankings take place in this space.

So what are they, now that two weeks are in the books? Here we go. And as always, last week’s rankings are in parentheses.

GOING HOME

  • James S (18): He lists his occuapation as “Bachelor Superfan.” Dude never had a shot.
  • Brandon (13): Speaking of guys with fantastic occupations….
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Also, I’m calling BS on him. You can’t be a hipster “for a living” and live in L.A., and not someplace in Brooklyn like Park Slope.

  • Will (19): I honestly did not know who this was until I looked back at my rankings from last week. Here’s what I wrote then: “For those who need refreshing, Will is the dude who, as part of some ill-advised gag, dropped those cards on his way out of the limo and then had trouble getting a full sentence out during his one-on-one time. I’m not really sure how he made it through. Guess the producers like him.”

I’m just completely SHOCKED that he didn’t receive a rose this week.

STILL HERE

1. Jordan (1): He took a bit of a back seat this week after being the star of the premiere. But that’s how things go in this universe sometimes. JoJo can’t just focus solely focus on one guy, no matter how much she likes him. After all, we’re making a TV show here. This has nothing to do with actual feelings.

So, yes, Jordan was only given limited air time this week, but we still learned a few things about America’s favorite failed quarterback: He loves just chilling with the boys and singing songs (as seen above). His hair is amazing; there might not be a better ‘do in all the land. And he’s quite limber, even when donning pants that look as if they were painted on.

Dude remains the favorite going forward.

2. Luke (2): I’m keeping Luke at No. 2 despite his poor showing this week. The problem: He’s just soooo whiny. He finished second to Grant in the firefighting competition and spent the next 10 minutes complaining to the camera that he lost that extra one-on-one time to JoJo because he let Grant save her life instead of him. I’m not sure he realized that the whole thing was staged and that JoJo’s life wasn’t actually in danger. But he’s still a Texan cowboy and military veteran, also with great hair. I’m not ready to write him off quite yet.

3. Derek (11): First off, this is a FANTASTIC call.

As for the date, it hit all the classic chords. An airplane ride (clearly JoJo is learning from Ben, who seemed to be aroused by heights). A picnic by the Golden Gate Bridge, only one with a basket seemingly containing no food and just booze because this is The Bachelor/ette. A classic opening-up session in which Derek played the “I’m wounded, but willing to open up” card and talked about a past relationship that hurt him and caused him to close himself off to love. JoJo responded by bringing up Ben Higgins, again, then telling the camera she felt a real connection to Derek because he was willing to open himself up to her. Then it was time to make out!

But I think my favorite part of this date was when JoJo asked Derek if he prefers dressing up or down. Then, after hearing Derek say “down,” responded with a “me, too.” Five minutes later, there was JoJo, strolling across the San Francisco streets, wearing a fancy-ass dress full of sparkles that looked like it cost $10,000.

4. Robby (4): He spent the episode on the sidelines, but don’t sleep on the former professional swimmer with some great hair of his own.

5. James Taylor (7): JT was ranked No. 1 by ESPN’s Marcellus and Max (that’s why these amateurs should leave the power ranking to us professionals) and ended up winning a group date rose for his performance at ESPN. He also wrote JoJo a poem and made her cry while reading it to her (turns out JoJo is a decent actress), and even worked his mom into the conversation. He’s clearly going for the sweet-and-sensitive type, and it’s cute that JoJo’s pretending he actually has a chance. But we all know how this plays out: Sweet-and-sensitive is fine and all, but never in history has the hot girl gone with that over the star quarterback. Sorry, bro, just the way it is.

6. Chad (6): And so we make it to Chad, the man of the hour. Where to even start? Should we talk about his lovely toast?

https://vine.co/v/iVHEreqwx06/embed

Should we talk about all the damn meat this guy ate on the night of the rose ceremony…

…and at the damn rose ceremony!

Or maybe we should mention the myriad times he talked about consuming protein or working out.

Or how frequently he goes out of his way to tell JoJo that he’s currently “financially stable.” And, yes, he’s clearly an ass. Also, telling JoJo that she’s coming off like a nag was probably not the best strategy.

About Yaron Weitzman

Yaron Weitzman is a freelance writer based in New York whose work frequently appears on The Comeback, SB Nation and in SLAM Magazine. He's also been published on SB Nation Longform, The Cauldron, Tablet Magazine and in the Journal News. Yaron can be followed on Twitter @YaronWeitzman